Thursday, September 1, 2005

Keep Smokey Out of your Britches

Dear Friends,

Break 27, put her up to 27, John. Cotton mouth Hand here, looking for a pit park with the motion lotion between Watermelon 500 and Dome Town. Taking my freight shaker here on the backslide at double nickel in the granny lane. Just pulled a dragonfly past the chicken coop when I got my doors blown off by a beaver bobtail taking the hammer lane at triple digits. She's out dropping alligators when I see her get shot in the back by a County Mounty at a bear trap two yardsticks South of Derby City. That's the Four-Roger. Keep your nose between the ditches and the Smokey out of your britches. All the good numbers, over.

If you're thinking, "What the #@&*!?" you're probably not a teamster. If you're thinking, "What the "@!&*#?" you're probably dyslexic and not a teamster. Either way, I sprayed you with a light volley of trucker jargon in order to get you keyed up for this month's experimental Hard Taco song, "King Trucker."


Who is the King Trucker?
The King Trucker is the guy that drives the truck that hauls other trucks. Usually there will be two or three tractor cabs stacked at an angle behind the front one. This truck is the undisputed paramount sovereign of the interstates. We may find the trucker caste system to be barbaric and misogynistic, but let's face it... it works. Here is the chain of command in common CB slang.
1. KING TRUCKER - supreme oligarch dictator-in-charge of truck power
2. Thermos - A gas or oil tanker
3. Double Quad - A truck that has 44 wheels instead of 18
4. Rolling Ranch – A cattle truck
5. Parking Lot – A car carrier
6. Ice Box – A refrigerated truck
7. Skateboard – A flatbed truck
8. Dry Box – A plain 18-wheeler with a boxy white trailer
9. Bobtail – A tractor with no trailer
10. Tard Box - A Short Truck. (According to trucker code, the driver is customarily retarded, and it is rude to make eye contact with him.)

You might not have a lot of respect for The Hand (as we truckers call each other), but trucks are an important part of our economy. The reason there is always highway construction is that trucks are much heavier than cars and cause the asphalt to crack. Someone has to put tar in those cracks, and that person often uses the money they earn to buy toy trucks, completing the cycle and keeping the market "bull-ish."

With Warmest Regards,