Thursday, October 1, 2015

Special James Bond Preview

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for October is called "Billowing Parachute Silk." If you have 97 seconds of free time today, you can listen to this whole song. Of course, it may be more manageable if you space it out through the day in 97 one-second increments.

For Your Eyes Alone: 
I can barely quell my excitement about the new James Bond movie. This one promises to have even more spying than the last five Bond films. I did a little armchair espionage and put together this preview from unauthorized interviews.

Movie Title
The Brand New Adventures of James Bond

Opening Sequence
A masked man chases 007 through the streets of Chennai. Bond leaps over a fruit stand. The masked man plows right through it, spilling plums on the cobblestone street.

Clutching a booby-trapped attaché case, Bond races into a petting zoo. The masked man chases him onto a hayride, just as it is pulling into the farm. The adversaries have a fistfight on the hayride, and Bond is outmatched. As the masked man prepares to deliver the decisive blow, the wagon goes under a low bridge. The masked man fails to duck, and is beheaded. The mask stays on. James Bond turns to a nearby goat and introduces himself, last name first.

Suddenly, two assassins approach on a tandem bike and snatch the booby-trapped attaché case. Bond springs from the hay wagon onto the back seat of the bike, dethroning the rear assassin.  As the bike careens crazily down a winding suburban street, Bond wrestles with the other assassin for control of the front seat. He succeeds, forcing the man to the rear seat, where the villain is relegated to peddling while Bond steers.

Suddenly, the bike is overtaken by a duo of henchman on the back of a camel. They are sitting on separate humps. The rear henchman has his hands around the front henchman's waist to avoid falling off.  Bond jumps from the tandem bike to the camel.  He wrestles both henchmen, vying for position on the front hump. The combatants push each other's faces, but Bond does so more vigorously, and the henchmen are both consigned to the rear hump.

Daniel Craig defeats a henchman with a ferocious facepush while on camelback.
Finally, 007 catches up with the notorious El Chevre, a master villain with an eye patch, a soul patch, and a nicotine patch. El Chevre swipes the booby-trapped attaché case, handcuffs it to himself, and runs into an abandoned ice rink. Bond follows him, commandeers a pair of ice skates, and gives chase. Two flunkies and lackey, who have also rented skates, impede Bond's progress. James pirouettes evasively and the flunkies skate into a Zamboni. It explodes.

Bond returns his skates (so he can get his shoes back), and pursues El Chevre to a nearby dock.

"You're too late, James Bond," shouts the villain as he climbs into a paddleboat and starts paddling lazily across the pond. Bond climbs into another paddleboat, and paddles lazily in pursuit. Almost immediately, they are trapped in a strong current and dragged towards a 3000-foot waterfall. At the last second, Bond dives overboard as the two paddleboats lurch over the edge of the waterfall and burst into flames.

As he pulls himself onto the muddy shore, a weary James Bond looks across the pond and sees a courtesan in a yellow fur coat helping El Chevre into a two-rotor helicopter. As the helicopter takes off, El Chevre gazes arrogantly down and twirls his soul patch.

The scene fades to red. The familiar jungle trance surf rock music starts to play. Ian Fleming's name appears over a sequence of writhing nude silhouettes pushing each other's faces on paddleboats.

Bond Girls
Name: Viktoriya Sex-Vegetable
Role: Moldovan secret agent
Quote as she dies in James Bond's arms: "Meester Bund. I regret only I deed not keep last name when I get myarried. Feelling out forms when you have hypheenated last name is real pain."

Name: Bath Meat
Role: Danish double agent
Quote as she dies in James Bond's arms: "I trust no one, including the doctors who tell me to refrain from sexual activity until this cavernous abdominal wound heals."

Name: Lisa
Role: New Jersey insurance agent
Quote as she dies in James Bond's arms: "You're... in... good hands with Allstate."

Will 007's Aston Martin have a rear spoiler? 
Spoiler alert: It will.

Closing thoughts
Everything that Q gives to James Bond is an In-SPECTRE Gadget. You're welcome.

With warmest regards,

Bonus Activity: 
Are you one of the 2% who can recognize these James Bond movie titles with one letter changed?

  • The Soy Who Loved Me
  • License to Kiln
  • Die Another Dad
  • Shyfall
  • Ontopussy