Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The Bear Cub Tilted Rectangle of 3rd Grade Achievement

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for November is called, "Not That Kind of Boy." This song is too short for radio, and you're too short for modeling. We'll both get over it.

Malcolm is now in his third year of Cub Scouts, and is working towards earning the Bear Cub Tilted Rectangle of 3rd Grade Achievement. So far, he has fulfilled several of the requirements, including: Meet a Fireman, Whittle Something, and Make a Skit About Meeting a Fireman.  I've been flipping through the Bear Handbook, and it looks like he's on pace to earn the following badges by the end of the school year:

Badge of High Merit - Formerly called "Badge of Participation." Granted to any scout who shows up for the Awards Ceremony. The name change reflects Boy Scouts of American's deep commitment to fostering dignity and self-esteem in all dues-paying humans.

Leave No Trace - Protect the delicate ecosystem of the forest by burying the hitchhiker at least 200 feet from natural water sources, campsites, and trails.

Outdoor Ethics Awareness - Draft a Living Will for a loved one while sitting around a campfire.

Herbalism - Rub leaves between your fingers until you find one that smells vaguely like cinnamon.

Rich Grandparents - Sell over $500 of popcorn without going door-to-door.

Take Only Pictures, Leave Only Footprints - Promote responsible use of outdoor recreational spaces.

Take Pictures and Footprints - Investigate a crime scene.

Take My Picture and Leave With My Footprint - Kick the ass of a paparazzo.

Cub Whisperer - Trap a real tiger, wolf, or bear cub and train it to sit still during the flag ceremony

Pocketknife Safety - Use the white plastic cafeteria knife to cut your pepperoni Hot Pocket and let some of the steam out so you don't burn your tongue when you bite into it.

Bear Necessities - Learn how to read a thermometer (temperature), a barometer (atmospheric pressure), a sphygmomanometer (blood pressure), a mass spectrometer (miscellaneous science) and an infernometer (Hell.)

Gender Dysphoria - Earn any three of the Girl Scout badges discussed in this previous HT Digest.

Bear's Courage - Spend a night in that spooky abandoned condo where the nursing student's Homeowner's Association dues mysteriously vanished in the 1970s.

I Think They Have a Kid About Your Age - Go with your mother to visit some old college friends of hers who she hasn't seen in twenty years.

Duty to God - Cub scouts is for everyone! You certainly don't have to be Christian to pitch a tent! Many of us know a Jewish or Muslim person because we are tolerant! As long as those people exercise their faith according to the traditions of their ancestors and develop a close personal relationship with Jesus or the equivalent, they are welcome in BSA! No atheists or agnostics, please.

Baden-Powell Emblem - Named for Boy Scouts founder Robert Baden-Powell, a Lieutenant-General in the 2nd Boer War, this coveted distinction goes to any Cub Scout who suppresses a Zulu uprising.

With warmest regards,

Know someone who would like to receive the Hard Taco Digest? Too bad, this email list hasn't been updated for five years and I'm very set in my ways.