Saturday, September 1, 2007

Dipping into Mike's Hard Chickpea

Dear Friends,

In this issue: 
A. Die For Our Country or Die Trying
B. Hard Taco Video! 
C. Energy Drinks, Flavored Malt Beverages, and Intensely Bitter Gum 
D. A Brief Dirty Play 

A. Die For Our Country or Die Trying

   Every September, our thoughts turn to the people who run around inside burning buildings while everyone else is running around outside burning buildings. The Hard Taco song this month, "Fire Chief," gives a fresh look at these heroes and the maxim of their profession: Safety… is it all that?

   Although firefighters are the only civil servants specifically mentioned in the song, I also have a great deal of respect for police chiefs, librarians, DMV clerks, comptrollers, deputy comptrollers, and traffic patterns.

B. Hard Taco Video! 
For Christ’s sake, check out this live performance of some gifted tweenagers tap-dancing to the first ninety seconds of "Down the Wrong Pipe." These young hoofers were in a summer arts workshop for children whose parents have pneumonia or bronchitis. Hard Taco is proud to support these kids who are living in the shadow of this disagreeable, treatable illness. Many of their parents have been coughing for 1-2 weeks or longer, but these little guys don't let it stop them from dancing their little hearts out!  

*Choreography by Victoria Gilbert


C. Energy Drinks, Flavored Malt Beverages, and Intensely Bitter Gum 
Those are clearly the three hallmarks of our decade.  Perhaps the most representative product of that triumvirate is Smirnoff Source™, a unique malt beverage composed of alcohol-infused spring water. By cleverly taking alcohol and watering it down, Smirnoff has crafted what they call "the first lower-alcohol flavored malt beverage on the market that fits modern lifestyles and offers adult consumers sophisticated new drinking experiences."

Inspired by the subtle, sophisticated buzz of a 16 oz. Smirnoff Source™, I've got some other marketing ideas that I thought I would share. 

Mike's Hard Chickpea  (Alcoholic hummus)
Emphy-Zima (Pipe tobacco infused with carbonated, lightly sweetened alcohol)
Smirnoff Vapor (Vodka mixed with steam)
Bartles and Jaymes Deep Tropical Passion (Palm fronds soaked in blush wine and macaw blood)
JalapeƱo Poppers MAXX (Breaded hot peppers stuffed with cheese, alcohol and up to 2MB of music)
Curad Extreme (Caffeinated Band-aids)
Coppertone Ultimate (Caffeinated sunblock)
Fleet's Supreme (Caffeinated enema)
Aquafresh Uttermost (Ritalin-infused toothpaste)
Dentyne Energy Vomit (Chewing gum with taurine, glucoronolactone, Ipecac syrup and B vitamins)
Gatorade Torrent Lite (Clear fluid with no flavoring or electrolytes)

D. A Brief Dirty Play

Jay Leno: Tonight we have a very interesting guest. Tim Gissel claims he can dial a phone with his butt. Tim, this is a very unusual talent.
Tim: Not at all, Jay.
Jay Leno: Would you like to give us a little demonstration? What do you think? (Audience cheers)
Tim: Sure, all right. 
(Tim takes a cordless phone off of Jay's desk and walks to center stage. He carefully places the phone down his pants and closes his eyes. After about 10 seconds, a cell phone in Jay Leno's pocket starts to ring. Jay Leno pulls out the ringing phone and answers it.)
Jay Leno: Hello? Hello? (He holds phone out to audience) There's no one there.
Tim: My butt doesn't talk, Jay, it just dials. 
Kevin Eubanks: Oh, man!!


With warmest regards,