Friday, August 1, 2014

Postcards from Panama, Part 6

Dear Friends,

This month, I offer you a sweet redneck love song called, "Write His Name In Monster Trucks."  This song has the honor of being alphabetically last in the Hard Taco catalog.

Meanwhile, here's the annual installment of "Postcards from Panama." You should be able to drop right in, but if you're wondering how we got here, you can catch up here.


Postcards from Panama, Part 6

8/1/14
Dear Karen,

I've been having a symptom. Since we are going to be married soon, I think it is important that we are open with each other about our symptoms, even the non-concerning ones. Mine is that I wake up in the middle of the night and my fingers are making "OK" signs. Most likely, this represents what doctors call a "completely normal variant." In other words, it may be even MORE normal than other positions that hands can be found in upon awakening.

It is also possible that I am dreaming about throwing darts.

Please write back and let me know what you think about the idea of discussing our symptoms with each other.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/4/14
Dear Karen,

I have a longstanding belief (a firm one) that people must follow their dreams, no matter how dire the cost. I think my dreams are telling me to play darts, so on Thursday, I am going to a local carnival. The last time I attended a carnival, I got to throw darts at a wall full of colorful balloons. Had I successfully popped the white one, I would have won a giant plush hyena.

Would you like me to try to win you a life-sized plush hyena, or would you find that to be too threatening? I haven's seen you since 1992, so it is possible that you have developed hyena-related PTSD in the meantime. Just in case, I will pop the white balloon, but only ask for a less-threatening, medium-sized plush hyena off the rack of inferior prizes.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/8/14
Dear Karen,

The carnival was amazing! I will not pussyfoot about this... it exceeded my wildest hopes. When we are married, Karen, I will track down this particular carnival company and we will visit it together, many days in a row.

Here's the best part: Do you remember how someone, perhaps you, always said that I was probably ultra-talented, and that I just hadn't discovered my special power yet? Karen, I have figured out my special talent:  I can look at someone and guess how much weight they need to lose. I got the idea from one of the carnies who was doing something similar. On a whim, I tried it out on my neighbor, Dignidad, and his brother, Debilidad. Both of them need to lose 15.0 pounds. They were amazed that I was accurate to the tenth of a pound.

My neighbor's brother also needs to have a large mole removed, but it doesn't weigh enough to impact my calculations. (Yet.)

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/12/14
Dear Karen,

You haven't written back, so I assume you feel my description of the carnival was not comprehensive enough. Here are some additional details:

They had a balloon-popping game, but instead of throwing darts, I got to shoot a crossbow that was mounted on a table.  The design is ingenious! It is impossible to shoot yourself accidentally unless you stand on the wrong side of the table. When we have children, I will insist that they only play with crossbows that are safely table-mounted.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/13/14
Dear Karen,

Today was the last day the carnival was in town, so I went back and made an appointment with the manager to discuss job openings. I proposed that he hire me to travel with them from town to town and guess how overweight people are. I even brought my own contract for a flexible three-city tour that included a signing bonus and incentive pay. Haggling is an important part of Panamanian culture, so I expected him to try to bargain me down. (If you don't haggle, they think you are a foreign spy.)

Unfortunately, we couldn't agree to terms and he kicked me out of his office. It was weird, because I kept telling him that he needed to lose 30.4 pounds, and this really should have impressed him. 

It's probably for the best, because carnival workers are notoriously cruel to exotic animals, and I simply can't condone that.  What are your opinions about cruelty to exotic animals? 

With warmest regards,
Michael



8/15/14
Dear Karen,

The carnival was such an amazing experience, Karen. I can't think about anything else! I know it's not the same thing as being here together, but I ordered you a custom bumper sticker that says "I Heart Carnivals." It's not big deal, except that it is very expensive because the minimum order was 200 stickers.

You will probably want to put separate stickers on both your FRONT and REAR bumpers. This will facilitate conversations when you arrive somewhere.  If you only put the sticker on your rear bumper, people won't know how you feel about carnivals until you are driving away and it is too late to discuss!

You can sell the remaining 198 bumper stickers to friends and neighbors. You should pick a price and stick to it, because NOT HAGGLING is an important part of Americans culture.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/15/14
Dear Karen,

I meant to tell you that I ordered your custom bumper stickers from a local "madre and padre" store, not from an online mega-store. A lot of people in South America show their support for local businesses by buying things from Amazon. (The river, not the website.)

My neighbor Dignidad thinks that all of the bricks and mortar stores will collapse because of the sheer number of websites. I think that as long as we all continue to support local commerce, they will be fine. I am more worried about stores that are just bricks, and have no mortar. I think they are much more likely to collapse.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/25/14
Dear Karen,

By the way, how are you? Out of curiosity, do you have a husband or an active boyfriend right now? If you do, that's okay. I was recently thinking about that one time on August 1, 1989 at 8pm when we promised each other we would get married 20 years later if we were both still single. If you have an active boyfriend right now, it is someone that you made a similar promise to, perhaps predating August 1, 1989? If so, I would completely understand.  Just let me know!

With warmest regards, 
Michael