Sunday, September 1, 2013

Render Unto Roger Goodell...

Dear Friends,

   J.S. Bach famously claimed that the sole purpose of harmony was for the glory of God, and that all other use is but the idle jinglings of Satan. So true! I would amend this slightly, though, to assert that harmony also should be employed to further the glory of the Green Bay Packers. I consecrate unto them the new Hard Taco song, "One Nation Under Cheese."

  The game of football has changed. It's no longer sufficient for athletes to excel at their sport. They now have to develop and protect their brand. Every word that athletes say is subject to intense media scrutiny, so they must have a clear strategy before they step in front of a camera. Here's an example of a savvy young superjock delivering a flawless sports interview.

  This kid just oozes confidence, team pride, and leadership. He's a champion's champion. You can tell he's the first one to practice in the morning and the last one leaving the film room at night (even when they're not having an Ingmar Bergman marathon.) That kind of presence takes hours of preparation. Let's take a look at the same athlete before he underwent media training.

Careful, rookie! Contracts and endorsements have been blown by a few ill-chosen words or an errant tweet! 

My suggestion for the greenhorns out there is that if the journalist ever ambushes you with a gotcha question, just answer in Latin. No one has ever lost face speaking in Latin.

Interviewer: Let's talk about their interception at the end of the first half? How did you let that happen?
Athlete:  Emeritus salutem captus Ave Maria! (The veteran safety caught the Hail Mary!)

Interviewer: I'm sorry? What?
Athlete: Manus habet molli. (He has soft hands.)

Interviewer: Um. Okay. The Giants blocked what would have been a game-tying field goal. What went wrong?
Athlete: Nanos gigantum humeris insidentes. (Their short guys stood on their shoulders. The shoulders of Giants.) 

Interviewer: Moving on. How will this affect your division race?
Athlete: Leonum nonquam vincere NFC borealis. (The Lions will never ever win the NFC North.)

Interviewer: Okay, then. Any last thoughts?
Athlete:  et... Ursus... sugatis!!!!!

With warmest regards,