Fortress Party 2024 - National Treasure

In the National Treasure movies, Benjamin Franklin Gates (as portrayed by handsome screen actor Nicholas Cage) steals the Declaration of Independence and uses it to decode ciphers left all over the thirteen colonies by the Founding Fathers. 

So here we are in Washington D.C., and Gates announces that he has found a treasure chest left by the Knights Templar, and that there are clues hidden all over the fort. 

There were five puzzles in total. Each had Nick Cage's face somehere near it so you knew it was part of the National Treasure thread. Each of the puzzles could be solves with a three digit numerical clue which would unlock the box. 

Here are a couple of the actual puzzles. I'm not ready to share the other three, because I want to be able to repurpose their mechanics for something else later.  

Our winners got Nick Cage stickers and the opportunity to enter their timestamped success story in this diary. 

 

Fortress Party 2024 - Back to the Future and Fractured 1995

We started out with a Back to the Future-inspired sign in sheet. 

In the garage, we had a DeLorean. Okay fine, it was a Tesla, but the spoilers, smoke machine, custom license plate, and DMC logo may have fooled some guests. Not shown: there were flickering red Christmas lights behind each tire, implying time travel flames!

On the inside, there was a Flux Capacitor and the time circuits, which are set to 1995, the year of the first Fortress Party. 

Guests would pass through the back seat of the car, where this video was playing on a large TV crammed into the front seat. (The TV did not survive the uncramming the following day; its final moments were showing this video on loop for 12 hours.) 

This was the first time we displayed the sign-in sheets electronically rather than practically. This meant we had/got to put up an extra room this year. 

Once guests slid through the back seat of the car, they came out in a hallway. A sign informed them that they had arrived at the original 1995 Fortress Party, but accidentally stepped on a butterfly on the way, changing everything. And with that, they entered... 

The theme here is that everything from 1995 has been mixed up, starting with the movie posters that were on the wall:

And VHS tapes were sewn together to make other mashups.

On the TV, there was a loop of TV shows, commercials, and movie previews that were also messed up. 

In other ways, the room was a tribute to the original Fortress Party, with sheets tied loosely to the wall and hanging over the back of a couch. 

 

Fortress Party 2024 - TED Talks

We reused the animatronic skeleton that had been the Swedish Chef in 2023, but put him in a Ted Lasso costume.

 

A button push triggered one of 30 TED talks, written by Jason DePasquale and voiced by Andy Jones, doing an admirable Ted Lasso impression. They are compiled in this video. The first minute or so is what guests would see between button pushes.

Album Drip/Drop

Dear Friends,

The new Hard Taco album, Oddly Specific, drips today! 

Real talk: The word drip is mostly associated with unpleasant imagery such as leaky faucets, gonorrhea, and incontinence. But drop is even worse... Dropping a vase, moose droppings, dropping acid, dropping out of school, and precipitous temperature drops. So I went with drip, manifesting that this album will drip like a hot brown espresso shot. It's got ten great songs (out of eleven), including the new Hard Taco tune for this month, "Freeze Tag." 

In theory, you may now listen to Oddly Specific wherever you stream your music, whether that's Spotify (most Earthlings), Pandora (my parents), YouTube (Eastern European bots) or Apple Music (Nostalgic roadies who worked on U2's Songs of Innocence tour.) 

So sprint to the nearest planet that has wi-fi and give it a listen, and thanks for supporting whatever the heck this thing is!

With warmest regards,
Zach

Hard Taco Digest - The Avril Lavigne Reader's Club

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for November is called, "Jen's Got a Second Book Group." It's dedicated to my sister, who is not named Jen, but has almost certainly committed book group infidelity on multiple occasions. 

I wanted to pitch a variation on the traditional book group. How about a book group... aimed at kids... featuring picture-only books... about 2000's radio hits? 

As a proof of concept, I've storyboarded a few sample books. See if you can figure what line is represented by each image.

Book 1:

1-1

1-2

1-3

1-4

1-5

1-6

Book 2:

2-1

2-2

2-3

2-4

2-5

Book 3:

3-1

3-2

3-3

3-4

3-5

3-6

3-7

3-8

With warmest regards,

Zach

Answer Key:

1. Teenage Dirtbag

1-1. Her name is Noelle. I have a dream about her. She rings my bell. I got gym class in half an hour. Oh, how she rocks In Keds and tube socks

1-2. I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby. Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me.

1-3. Her boyfriend's a dick. And he brings a gun to school and he'd simply kick my ass if he knew the truth. He lives on my block and he drives an IROC.

1-4. I feel like mold. It's prom night and I am lonely.

1-5. I got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby. Come with me Friday, don't say maybe.

1-6. Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby like you

2. Party in the U.S.A.

2-1. Hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan

2-2. Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time Look to my right, and I see the Hollywood sign

2-3. So I put my hands up, they're playing my song, the butterflies fly away

2-4. Get to the club in my taxi cab, everybody's looking at me know like, "Who's that chick that's rocking' kicks?"

2-5. All I see are stilettos. I guess I never got the memo"

3. Sk8r Boi

3-1. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? He was a punk. She did ballet. What more can I say?

3-2. He wanted her. She'd never tell secretly she wanted him, as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose. They had a problem with his baggy clothes

3-3. She had a pretty face but her head was up in space She needed to come back down to earth.

3-4. Five years from now she sits at home feeding the baby. She's all alone.

3-5. She turns on TV. Guess who she sees... Skater boy rockin' up MTV.

3-6. She calls up her friends. They already know and they've all got tickets to see his show.

3-7. She tags along and stands in the crowd, looks up at the man that she turned down. 

3-8. Sorry, girl, but you missed out. Well, tough, luck that boy's mine now We are more than just good friends. This is how the story ends

Oh-So-Great Dog Moments Captured on Film

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for October is a pop-punk banger about doghood called, "Someone's Got the Zoomies." 

But let's back up. It's May 23, 2020. School is online. Summer camp is cancelled. So far, Scarlett (15) and Malcolm (12) have spent Saturday in their rooms watching The West Wing and playing Minecraft, respectively. 

Lauren lures them out with a snack and drags them downstairs. She has devised an escape-room style puzzle for them. It's going to take an hour, and they are going to have to work together. At first, they grumble. But soon they get into it. 

Then, something happens that none of us expected. 

https://youtu.be/5DcL74FcF2A

If you have no patience for cute kids, clever puzzles, or trumpet practice, just skip to around 7:36.  

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with joy that it left you completely devastated? Now go back and watch the ending a second time. The best part of this movie isn't Scarlett's explosive catharsis, but her impressionable younger brother trying to match her energy. At first, Malcolm is happy, but when he sees her reaction, he starts moaning and writhing around.  He even hides in the closet, because that seems to be what the circumstances call for. 

So we got a dog that summer. Ozo is a mini labradoodle, and here is the dog version of his Madden stats: 

• Fluffiness 98
• Affection 94
• Protectiveness 92
• Playfulness 88
• Vision 34
• Squirrel Awareness 89
• Obedience 16
• Sock Destructiveness 100

This week, I was reorganizing a closet for Fortress Party prep, and a found Malcolm's trumpet, unused since shortly after its appearance in the escape room video. I fingered the valves a little and managed to blow out a few strangled "notes." And suddenly, there's Ozo, and he starts...singing? He is four years old, and this is the first time this ever happened. 

https://youtu.be/5jjkykhLUwo

If I’m ever having a not-so-great day, please play me these videos. Or even just remind me that they exist. 

And I will immediately start having an oh-so-great day. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Parent(hetical) Trap

Dear Friends,

Last year, Malcolm was cast in the role of Fred in the Pioneer High School production of Oklahoma! Fred is one of the farmers who attends town meetings and social gatherings, nodding and clapping people on the back. Occasionally, he shouts plot-moving interjections like "Sure is!" or "That's right!" or "Go on, tell us!"

Malcolm was wonderful. Fred is supposed to be a chorus member but audiences agreed that Malcolm brought the energy and gravitas of a Featured Supplementary Supporting Character. It was a definitely a proud parenting moment for us!

This month's Hard Taco song, "The Barber and the Plow Driver (Should Fight)," is an attempt to recapture that old-style musical magic. Both the kids play small roles, and I daresay they elevate their characters from Featured Townspersons to Memorable Civilian Taxpayer Inhabitants. 

The key to the success of this song is that it has parentheses in the tile. That puts it in distinguished company! Parentheses can transform a forgettable B-Side into an instant Billboard Top 10 single. Just look at what happened to "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" and "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)."

Going forward, I will no longer waste time inventing new song titles from whole cloth. Rather, I will take existing popular songs with parentheses in their titles, and simply swap the parenthetical parts. Listeners will be primed to love these songs, but they won't know why! Here are my planned mashups:

The Blue Oyster Cult and Aretha Franklin

• "(You Make Me Feel Like) The Reaper"
• "(Don't Fear) A Natural Woman"

Elton John and The Offspring

• Pretty Fly (For Fighting)
• Saturday Night's Alright (For a White Guy)

T. Rex and R.E.M.

• Bang a Gong (And I Feel Fine)
• It's The End of the World As We Know It (Get it On)

AC/DC and the Beatles 

• I Want You (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll)
• It's a Long Way to the Top (She's So Heavy)

The Beastie Boys and James Taylor

• (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Be Loved By You)
• How Sweet It Is (To Party)

Meatloaf and U2

• I'd Do Anything For Love (In the Name of Love)
• Pride (But I Won't Do That)

Train and They Might be Giants

• Istanbul (Tell Me)
• Drops of Jupiter (Not Constantinople)

Green Day and Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes

• (I've Had) (The Time of Your Life)
• Good Riddance The Time of My Life

Elton John and Cutting Crew

• (I Just) (Think It's Going To Be A Long, Long Time)
• Rocket Man Died In Your Arms

ABBA and Otis Redding

• (Sittin' On) (A Man After Midnight)
• Gimme Gimme Gimme The Dock of the Bay

Kelly Clarkson and Elvis Costello

• Stronger Peace Love, and Understanding
• (What's So Funny Bout) (What Doesn't Kill You)

Brittney Spears and The Proclaimers

• (You Drive Me) (500 Miles)
• I'm Gonna Be Crazy

With warmest regards,

Zach