The new Hard Taco album, Oddly Specific, drips today!
In theory, you may now listen to Oddly Specific wherever you stream your music, whether that's Spotify (most Earthlings), Pandora (my parents), YouTube (Eastern European bots) or Apple Music (Nostalgic roadies who worked on U2's Songs of Innocence tour.)
So sprint to the nearest planet that has wi-fi and give it a listen, and thanks for supporting whatever the heck this thing is!
With warmest regards,
Zach
Dear Friends,
The Hard Taco song for November is called, "Jen's Got a Second Book Group." It's dedicated to my sister, who is not named Jen, but has almost certainly committed book group infidelity on multiple occasions.
I wanted to pitch a variation on the traditional book group. How about a book group... aimed at kids... featuring picture-only books... about 2000's radio hits?
As a proof of concept, I've storyboarded a few sample books. See if you can figure what line is represented by each image.
Book 1:
With warmest regards,
Zach
Answer Key:
1. Teenage Dirtbag
1-1. Her name is Noelle. I have a dream about her. She rings my bell. I got gym class in half an hour. Oh, how she rocks In Keds and tube socks
1-2. I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby. Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me.
1-3. Her boyfriend's a dick. And he brings a gun to school and he'd simply kick my ass if he knew the truth. He lives on my block and he drives an IROC.
1-4. I feel like mold. It's prom night and I am lonely.
1-5. I got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby. Come with me Friday, don't say maybe.
1-6. Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby like you
2. Party in the U.S.A.
2-1. Hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan
2-2. Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time Look to my right, and I see the Hollywood sign
2-3. So I put my hands up, they're playing my song, the butterflies fly away
2-4. Get to the club in my taxi cab, everybody's looking at me know like, "Who's that chick that's rocking' kicks?"
2-5. All I see are stilettos. I guess I never got the memo"
3. Sk8r Boi
3-1. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? He was a punk. She did ballet. What more can I say?
3-2. He wanted her. She'd never tell secretly she wanted him, as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose. They had a problem with his baggy clothes
3-3. She had a pretty face but her head was up in space She needed to come back down to earth.
3-4. Five years from now she sits at home feeding the baby. She's all alone.
3-5. She turns on TV. Guess who she sees... Skater boy rockin' up MTV.
3-6. She calls up her friends. They already know and they've all got tickets to see his show.
3-7. She tags along and stands in the crowd, looks up at the man that she turned down.
3-8. Sorry, girl, but you missed out. Well, tough, luck that boy's mine now We are more than just good friends. This is how the story ends
Dear Friends,
The Hard Taco song for October is a pop-punk banger about doghood called, "Someone's Got the Zoomies."
But let's back up. It's May 23, 2020. School is online. Summer camp is cancelled. So far, Scarlett (15) and Malcolm (12) have spent Saturday in their rooms watching The West Wing and playing Minecraft, respectively.
Lauren lures them out with a snack and drags them downstairs. She has devised an escape-room style puzzle for them. It's going to take an hour, and they are going to have to work together. At first, they grumble. But soon they get into it.
Then, something happens that none of us expected.
Have you ever been so overwhelmed with joy that it left you completely devastated? Now go back and watch the ending a second time. The best part of this movie isn't Scarlett's explosive catharsis, but her impressionable younger brother trying to match her energy. At first, Malcolm is happy, but when he sees her reaction, he starts moaning and writhing around. He even hides in the closet, because that seems to be what the circumstances call for.
So we got a dog that summer. Ozo is a mini labradoodle, and here is the dog version of his Madden stats:
This week, I was reorganizing a closet for Fortress Party prep, and a found Malcolm's trumpet, unused since shortly after its appearance in the escape room video. I fingered the valves a little and managed to blow out a few strangled "notes." And suddenly, there's Ozo, and he starts...singing? He is four years old, and this is the first time this ever happened.
If I’m ever having a not-so-great day, please play me these videos. Or even just remind me that they exist.
And I will immediately start having an oh-so-great day.
With warmest regards,
Zach
Dear Friends,
Last year, Malcolm was cast in the role of Fred in the Pioneer High School production of Oklahoma! Fred is one of the farmers who attends town meetings and social gatherings, nodding and clapping people on the back. Occasionally, he shouts plot-moving interjections like "Sure is!" or "That's right!" or "Go on, tell us!"
Malcolm was wonderful. Fred is supposed to be a chorus member but audiences agreed that Malcolm brought the energy and gravitas of a Featured Supplementary Supporting Character. It was a definitely a proud parenting moment for us!
This month's Hard Taco song, "The Barber and the Plow Driver (Should Fight)," is an attempt to recapture that old-style musical magic. Both the kids play small roles, and I daresay they elevate their characters from Featured Townspersons to Memorable Civilian Taxpayer Inhabitants.
The key to the success of this song is that it has parentheses in the tile. That puts it in distinguished company! Parentheses can transform a forgettable B-Side into an instant Billboard Top 10 single. Just look at what happened to "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" and "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)."
Going forward, I will no longer waste time inventing new song titles from whole cloth. Rather, I will take existing popular songs with parentheses in their titles, and simply swap the parenthetical parts. Listeners will be primed to love these songs, but they won't know why! Here are my planned mashups:
The Blue Oyster Cult and Aretha Franklin
Elton John and The Offspring
T. Rex and R.E.M.
Train and They Might be Giants
Elton John and Cutting Crew
Brittney Spears and The Proclaimers
With warmest regards,
Zach
Dear Friends,
The latest Hard Taco song, "Auction House," answers the age old question: When will somebody finally sing about mysterious rich people bidding on strange historical artifacts? (Spoiler alert: The answer is 7.5 seconds after you click that link.)
Having lived in Ann Arbor for almost half my life, I have been trained to believe that Columbus, Ohio is a filth pit of boring jealous annoying bland mediocrity. But I've been hanging out in Columbus this weekend, and real talk, it's totally fine. I mean, it's still probably the worst place in Ohio, but just barely.
This got me thinking about how my worldview may have been biased by the local sports rivalries in the six places I've lived.
1. Rochester, New York.
Rochester Red Wings versus Syracuse Mets. (Minor league baseball.)
I only lived in upstate New York for the first six months of my life, but even as an infant I knew these team names were problematic. The fact that there are two teams called "The Red Wings" on the same planet is absurd, but at least they play different sports in different states. "But the Syracuse Mets? Are you kidding me right now?" (I put that in quotes, because my family tells me that those were my first words.)What's to stop one of the Syracuse outfielders from going into a restaurant and making a misleading announcement such as, "I'm a New York... Met... Baseball Player?"
At the time I lived there, I found it hard to articulate why this possibility bothered me so much, so I showed my concern the only way I knew how... spitting up formula on someone's shoulder.
2. Houghton, Michigan.
Biggest rivalry: Houghton Gremlins versus Hancock Bulldogs. (Hockey)
What a fun rivalry! These neighboring high schools have the most diehard fans. More specifically, they have the most DieHard fans. In Michigan's frigid upper peninsula, you can't trust your snowplow's electrical system to a cut-rate ACDelco or Everstart.
3. Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Green Bay Packers versus Chicago Bears. (Football)
In 1923, Curly Lambeau relinquished the ownership of The Packers to the public, selling shares of stock for only $5. The first thousand shareholders convened that October to choose among five team slogans that Lambeu proposed:
The final option listed above was not chosen as the winner but drew the attention of Robert Frost who went on to write a poem by that title. Critics praised this work, noting that it captured a quiet reflective moment in nature, while also being a timeless and sick burn about the haplessness of the Chicago team.
4. Providence, Rhode Island.
Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton. A few others I forget. How did these schools end up being in a league together.
Even though these teams had been competing in athletic competitions since the 1760s, it wasn't until 1954 that they officially branded themselves the I.V. League, after the roman numeral IV. At the time, this was the GPA requirement for admission. Fortunately for prospective students, the admission standards were soon lowered to account for philanthropic considerations. They briefly considered changing it from IV to II (their GPA admission requirement for wealthy legacy students), but the "Aye Aye League" was already in use by US Naval Academy and their fellow maritime universities.
So in the end, Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton, and the others I forget planted a bunch of vines, and agreed to rebrand themselves as an Ivy League.
5. Madison, Wisconsin.
Wisconsin Badgers versus the Marquette Golden Eagles. (Men's Basketball)
This much-anticipated showdown is often known as the "I-94 Rivalry," because the interstate connects Milwaukee to Madison.
But I-94 also connects Chicago, Detroit, Fargo, Minneapolis, Grand Rapids, and others. A conservative estimate would be that that there are 30 schools off I-94, and each has an average of 16 men's or women's sports teams. Based on that, there are approximately 6,960 permutations of an "I-94 Rivalry."
And with that statistic, I have finally found the first practical use for AI.
6. Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Michigan Wolverines versus Ohio State Buckeyes. (Football)
So far, everyone I've met in Columbus this weekend is a staunch Buckeye fan. Random people on the street literally bleed scarlet (when I garrote them with a piano wire.)
With warmest regards,
Zach
