Byzantine Angst

Dear Friends,

Here at Hard Taco, we strive to bring you unique musical experiences. This month's song, "Welcome to the Placebo Arm," is the first recorded prog rock song about industry-sponsored pharmaceutical trials. 

For our 25th wedding anniversary, Lauren planned a secret trip for the family. We were told to pack for "normal weather," and when we got to the airport, the destination was revealed through the solution of this Strands Puzzle.  I found three words and correctly surmised that we were headed to Rome!

Except that we weren't, because the third word was supposed to be GYRO, not ORGY. Which makes a lot more sense for a family vacation. Update: We were headed to Greece!

I love rubble, so Greece has long been on my bucket list, but prior to this trip, I didn't know much about it. I grew up reading D'Aulaire's book of Greek Mythology, so I already knew that Apollo was the god of music, poetry, light, and motorcyclists who weave between two lanes of traffic. But I never got past the second chapter of D'Aulaire's book of Greek Reality. 

• Chapter 1: Socrates, Euclid, and Giannis Antetokounmpo team up to invent democracy and the triangle. 
• Chapter 2: Thousands of people stream out of a cruise ship and wander into traffic. 

Anyway, we're now four days into the trip, and it has been magical. I've seen so much rubble, and I've learned enough to be over-qualified to write this definitive guide. 

Quick Facts about Greece:

Symbolism of the flag: An overhead view of a stray cat impaled on a cypress tree.

Most common occupation: Headless, armless sculpture model.

National Flower: The hairy-chested peony.

Exports: Three-letter words that are processed overseas and reused as fraternity names.

Things that hang from clotheslines in alleyways: Laundry, octopus. feta slabs.

Width of two-way roads: 1 meter, including both sidewalks.

National anthem: A symphony of suitcase wheels over cobblestones,

Legendary battle: Thermopylae, where 300 Spartans kept 200,000 immigrants at bay by standing around on a street corner, smoking and complaining.  

How to say Cheers: Εβίβα, which means, "May your enemy's swords be melted down and used for Chobani lids."

Politics: Feuding city-states, hoplite brinksmanship.

Favorite Labor of Hercules: Subduing ten island-hopping yacht owners.

National pastime: Smashing an ancient urn that says APHRODITE and glueing it back together so it says HOT DIAPER. 

Celebrities Who Culturally Appropriated Greek Letters: Catherine Zeta Jones, PSY, Delta Burke.

National emblem: John Stamos sipping hemlock among toppled columns and marble ruins. 

Fashion aesthetic: Mosaic-core.

With warmest regards,

Zach