Raw Bat Bar

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for March is a twist-filled mini-adventure called, "The Wrong Side of History." I will always remember recording this song, because Lauren and I both sang our parts right before losing our voices because of this: 

If you don't have the manual dexterity to zoom in on those test strips, I'll spell it out: the whole London family got COVID19 this week, and it has been a bummer on many levels. 

I was the one who brought it home, and I know exactly how it happened. Lauren and I were down in Florida for a wedding the prior weekend. It was a beautiful event and both the ceremony and the reception were outdoors in spacious circus tents. I felt very safe overall, but I made one crucial mistake that I've been beating myself up about ever since... I ordered the raw cave bat as my entree. 

Obviously, I should have known better. The judgement you cast upon me will never be as harsh as that I cast upon myself. I'm a health care worker, for goodness sakes! I've been around hundreds of COVID19 patients over the last two years, but I've always been very careful about hand-washing, masking, and other standard infection precautions. Then I go down to a wedding in Miami and think it's okay to have a cheat day and ask the caterers to bring me the wet market cave bat filet?

But these are confusing times, and it's just so hard to have realistic assessments of actual risk. The infection rates have been coming way down since mid-January. And then the CDC changed their recommendation from "don't eat raw cave bat" to "talk to your PCP about whether it is okay to return to eating raw cave bat." Can you blame me for thinking that maybe we could return to some semblance of normalcy? I got my vaccines, I got my booster, and for one night, I wasn't in the mood for fish or steak, okay? 

I also ate the fruit bat salad and the bats-in-blankets. More lessons learned!

Maybe I was subconsciously influenced by our surroundings. We were down in Florida, home of the recent Bat-to-School Programs which reintroduced raw cave bat to school lunch programs before any other state was even considering it. And look, I sort of get it, especially in elementary schools. Some kids just can't learn or develop normal social relationships when they are stressed out by government-imposed dietary restrictions. I'm not saying there isn't a cost to keeping raw bat meat off the cafeteria menu or out of the school vending machines. But this illness hit me harder than "just a cold," and I wouldn't wish it on anyone! If I had known the repercussions, I never would have gorged myself on beer-battered bat bladders before the ceremony. (I don't think that is what made me sick, but it totally spoiled my dinner.)

There was also a really amazing charcuterie table with cheese, toast, and over 600 species of insectivorous chiroptera. And there were caterers walking around with trays of hot wings, and they weren't chicken wings, if you know what I mean. But trust me, as delicious as it all was, it was not worth it. 

I guess the good news is that once we recover, we are probably going to have natural immunity for at least a few months. And you know what that means... guano Milano cookies!

With warmest regards,

Zach

Much More Magical Marvel Movie Music

Dear Friends,

I never thought I'd miss the hustle and bustle, until all we had was hustle. But after a long bustle-free year, it's finally starting to feel like we are on the home stretch. Inch by inch, we are returning to the places, people, and activities that we have missed, and it's exhilarating. It's like starting to walk again after your broken foot has been in a boot. It's tentative at first, but you know that you'll be able to run again soon, and just hope that your body remembers how. The new Hard Taco song, "When I Smell the Barn," tries to capture this sense of anticipation. 

My family and I have continued to work on Marvel movie-themed parody videos. While I stand firmly against all flavors of musical snobbery, the parody is undoubtedly the bottom rung of on the ladder of musical artistry. It is the lyrical equivalent of the Dad Joke, often equally worthy of a groan as a chuckle. But like a good Dad Joke, it is easily accessible and may be enjoyed more than once. I'm particularly proud of this first one, whose thumbnail image speaks to its... accessibility.

With warmest regards,

Zach

Fortress Party Retrospective: 1995-1996

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for September is called, "Puff Piece." If the first 15 seconds of this song don't make your day better, you have my permission to throw your work computer into an open manhole.

It is with both sadness and relief that we officially announce the cancellation of Fortress Party 2020. If this comes as a surprise, you must be living under a rock. In which case I envy you, because that living situation would simulate the Fortress experience, at least a little. 

On one hand, it would be irresponsible to cram 400 people into a single-family home during a pandemic, but on the other hand, what if that home was modified to impair air circulation as much as possible? 

For those of you who aren't privy to the lowdown, Fortress Party is an event that Lauren and I have hosted every year since before Lauren and I met. This would have been our 26th consecutive year turning the house into a giant maze of sheets, crawlspaces, and fire hazards. 

Since I won't be spending the next three months hanging sheets, I've decided to use some of that found time to share the history and highlights of the last 25 years of Forts.  

We'll start from the beginning, and work up to the present by December 12, the day that would have been FP'20.

Note to those of you reading this on email: I will post most of these Fortress Party updates to blog and Facebook. The monthly Hard Taco digest emails will continue to have links to the newest Hard Taco songs, as well as links to the Fortress Party history updates.

1995 - The fort with a lower-case f.

This is the real story of how it started. I was home on college break, some high school and camp friends came over, and someone suggested we build a fort in my parent's family room. I think it was borne out of nostalgia, which is a funny emotion for a teenager.

We draped sheets over furniture and secured them with heavy books or photo albums. The highest point in the fort was the sheet that rested on the NordicTrack ski machine. 

The main activity of the evening was playing Trivial Pursuit. As you can see, it was Trivial Pursuit Genus I, but of course they didn't call it Genus I because Genus II hadn't been invented yet. Fortress Party was the same way... this night wouldn't come to be known as Fortress Party '95 until many years later. 

Slumber Party '96

In year 2, we made a few seemingly inconsequential choices that laid the groundwork for several Fortress traditions. First, we gave the event a name. And that name was... Slumber Party? When we rebranded it as Fortress Party the following year, corporate America took notice. "Maybe we can achieve greatness by subtly changing our name, as well," said the executive boards of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Dunkin' Donuts, and The Facebook. 

By associating the party with the last two digits of year it took place, we created a filing system for all future Fortress Parties. At least until 2095, when the recurrence of a second event called Fortress Party '95 will cause banks to fail and planes to drop out of the sky. This is sad, but unavoidable.

Here I can be seen handing out job descriptions (Food, Plans, and Linens) to the original Slumber Party Steering Committee (SlumPSeC). 

Steve takes meticulous inventory of party snacks.

Jeremy shows me his expansive vision for the fort layout, which involves pouring several truckloads of concrete around the bay window.  Logistically, it turned out to be easier to drape sheets over furniture.

The phone. The floppy disks. The computer monitor. 

The fact that the guest list is just four people, and two of them are my parents.

Slumber Party '96. 

This is from the same angle as the 1995 picture, and you can see that the ceiling is higher. This established another longstanding Fortress Party tradition: The Fort must be bigger every year. 

I notice that three of the four guests shown in this picture were not among the people I called to invite. These were the first in a long line of unwanted party crashers.

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Invisible Paw of Supply and Demand

Dear Friends,

Like every Hard Taco song, the June offering, "Very Special Squirrel," is free. That either means I believe it has no value, or I am trying to undermine artists who rely on payment for their services. If I'm honest with myself, it's probably a little of both.

The kids have been begging for a dog for years, but we have held out. Lauren is allergic, we travel a lot, and we convert our house into a massive sheet fortress for 12 weeks each year. But facing months at home and a possible state-mandated moratorium on fortress parties, we decided to jump on the dog bandwagon. That is to say, we are figuratively committed to leaping onto an unpowered vehicle full of dogs playing Dixieland instruments. It also means we are going to get a puppy.

Unfortunately, the supply chain of puppies has slowed to a trickle. Folks all over the world are hoping to spend more time with animals while sheltering in place. After quarantine enthusiasts bought all the toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and thermometers, there was a run on pet adoptions. It's a Beagle Boom, and the kennels are empty. A walk through the local Humane Society used to be accompanied by a cacophony of barking and whimpering. Now all you hear is a lone hawk screeching over a distant mountain and the occasional crackle of a tumbleweed bouncing down the corridor.

We also have to contend with Lauren's allergies. The most hypoallergenic dogs are designer breeds such as the Portuguese Frorkadoodle, which is made from 30% Portuguese Water Dog, 15% Bichon Frise, 12% Standard Poodle, 8% Yorkshire Terrier, and 35% polyester. The completely revamped 2020 Frorkadoodle has been engineered from the ground up with exciting color options and all-new features like bigger eyes for sustained cuteness. Frorkadoodle puppies also grow twice as fast as off-brand dogs and are resistant to both drought and boll weevils. 

The breeding agency (a subsidiary of Bayer pharmaceuticals) has a creative solution for the supply chain dilemma. We can install software that will allow us to manufacture the puppy in our own home with a proprietary 3D printer.

Portuguese Frorkadoodle Puppies, Sports (left) and Touring (right) packages shown.

For a busy dog-allergic family with no patience the traditional breeding timeline, this is an easy choice. I suppose we could wait around for a sad old rescue named Broderick or Luther, but to keep Lauren's eyes from itching, we'd have to shampoo it twice a week with Selson Blue and Children's Claritin. Or we could download a Portuguese Frorkadoodle named PXB-0137 and have a product that is just as lovable and actually removes dander from the environment, as long as we change the in-mouth HEPA-filter once every three months. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Play At Home Order

Dear Friends,

   The Hard Taco song for May is called, "The Thing Will Not Come to Pass." It was a collaboration with beloved family and friends, cobbled together piecemeal over many months and many miles.
   In the middle of March, the Londons committed to playing a new board game or card game every night, with the goal of banging out 30 games in 30 days. Of course, when we passed that milestone a couple weeks ago, we had no choice but to keep going.
   Instead of a digest this month, I invite you to explore the fruits of that undertaking, a website called The Play At Home Order.

   As of last night, we are up to 42 games, and each of the four of us developed our own rank list.  For each game, we provide our overall family rank, as well as averaged ranks and short reviews from the kids and the adults.
  So let the Londons help you elevate your Family Game Game (FGG). Why not make your tabletop the envy of all the furniture in your subdivision?
   Our plan is to keep this going until we run out of games and can't afford new ones or the stay-at-home order ends. Keep an eye out for updates!

With warmest regards,
Zach, Lauren, Scarlett, and Malcolm

Virtual Drivers Ed

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for April is called, "Lonely Cozy Family." This song is about all of the the things that have changed this month, some of which are not so bad.

This week, my daughter started Drivers Ed. The first two days of virtual didactics were less than engaging, but what do you expect? You can't learn how to drive a car from listening to lectures. You have to actually get out there and put in some serious hours playing Pole Position on your Atari.

Since we're all homeschooling now, I wanted to help, so I came up with some practice questions to prepare her for the written examination.

Which famous golf caddy is this class named for?
A. Driver Ed
B. Jeremy Iron
C. Wedge Antilles
D. Wood Harrelson


What does this sign mean?

A. Swerve, if necessary, to avoid toppling the carefully balanced piece of burnt candy corn.
B. If you lift your champagne flute up and down too much, the stem will fall off.
C. Free your mind and look at the negative space. It is a fat man sneezing on the letter Y while an old woman looks on.
D. There are air currents around Gene Simmons' tongue.

On a one-way road, a solid yellow line indicates:
A. A very narrow bike lane. You may legally drive into any biker who doesn't keep both tires on the line at all times.
B.  A waste of expensive paint. What are we, made of money? This is my municipality and I say dashed yellow lines are perfectly good.
C. Yellow means cowardice. If you don't have the giggleberries to drive across this line, you're a lily-livered pisspants.
D. The letter T in Morse Code. It's just a really long dash, uninterrupted for miles, as if to say, "Teeeeeeeee....!"


Which of the following is NOT a parking violation?
A. Parking on top of a moving police vehicle.
B. Parking in front of a fire hydrant if the burning house has a grease fire. (Everyone knows you can't extinguish a grease fire with water.)
C. Parking and then removing your windshield wipers. When the parking enforcement officer has no obvious place to tuck your parking ticket, she may throw herself into traffic out of frustration.
D. Parking illegally but leaving your hazard lights on because you're just running inside for a sec to get a hysterectomy.


What does this sign mean?

A. Please turn pages of large book with a closed umbrella.
B. This section of highway cleaned using Swiffer products.
C. Remove dead snitch from your trunk and bury here.
D. If the toast is still breathing, stab it with a spear.


What is the correct placement of apostrophe(s) in Drivers Ed?
A. Driver's Ed, the singular possessive, because only one of you will actually learn this.
B. D'rivers Ed, which is French for "Of rivers, Ed."
C. Drivers 'Ed, which is Cockney for "Drivers head."
D. Drivers Ed''''''', where the apostrophes replace the rest of the letters in "education."

What does this sign mean?

A. Seriously?
B. The sign is just words.
C. Traffic circle ahead. Just kidding. Because if it was that, the sign would have different words.
D. Moral judgments of right and wrong are specific to a cultural or historical period and no standpoint is uniquely privileged above others.

With warmest regards,
Zach