What Does Your Car Say About You

Dear Friends,

I was invited to compose theme music for an up-and-coming (and also upcoming) child neurology podcast by Ali Christy and Sam MacKenzie. The podcast, soon to be available wherever podcasts are available, is called Immature Brains: Something Something. (I don't remember what goes after the colon.) But the Hard Taco song for June is simply called, "Immature Brains," and it is available here. And whenever, whyever, and wherever podcasts are available. 

I'm not a car guy. I admit that I like to picture Henry Ford walking the factory floor at his Highland Park plant, shouting, "Avengers, Assemble!" to his most vindictive employees. And to his less vengeful employees, simply yelling, "Assemble!"

But that's about the only time I think about cars. Perhaps I'm not a car guy because I wasn't raised to be a car guy. Allegedly, my dad spent his childhood learning to spot the differences between the tail fins of the 1956 Chevrolet Velvetaire Sassafras Edition and the 1956 Chevrolet Velvetaire Couch-liner Edition. But once he got married and had kids, he forsook dreams of trim levels for more practical concerns. 

As proof, I shall now list all of cars that my family owned during my childhood: Very Rusty Jeep, Very Rusty Jeep with Plow, Tiny Subaru, Plymouth Acclaim, Dodge Spirit (also known as Plymouth Acclaim), Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra, Plymouth Reliant Stick Shift Station Wagon, Oldsmobile Delta 88, Plymouth Grand Caravan. 

The car you drive tells a story about you, and our story is simply this: The Tiny Subarus of 1981 were so overwhelmingly powerful and sexy the Londons briefly suspended their commitment to buy American. 

I'm not a car guy, but I'm pretty perceptive about who people judge each other. So here's my take on what today's cars say about their owners.

Toyota Corolla: I once listened to a podcast about Roman aqueducts and won't shut up about it.  

Hyundai Accent: I like to cosplay as a timid squirrel clearing its throat. 

Kia Soul: I bring "adequate toaster" energy to all my relationships. 

Mazda CX-5: This Zoom-Zoom meeting could have been an email. 

Nissan Sentra: My animal spirit is a bland one-page spreadsheet in which every cell has the word "meh." 

Toyota RAV4: I'm afraid Bluetooth pairing keeps failing because I am unloveable and destined to be alone.  

Subaru Outback: I own both a small tent and a medium tent and have never used either. 

Honda Accord: I make my car listen to NPR all night while I'm asleep in bed. 

Ford Escape: I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22 MPG.

Ford F-150: My band is playing a two-night engagement at Firekeeper's Casino, June 7-8.

Buick Encore: Under my skin, I am throw pillows and oat milk.

Audi Q5: I flash my brights to assert dominance over elementary school crossing guards.   

Volvo XC90 - To prove how much I love my children, I keep them in 12-point harnesses and pack their orifices with Styrofoam peanuts.

Bentley Continental GT - My water bottle is made of 400-year-old walnut that was knighted by Queen Victoria.  

Tesla Cybertruck - (I'm drawing a blank. This must be the most neutral of all vehicles, because I have no opinions whatsoever about the drivers.)

With warmest regards,

Zach

Hard Taco Guide to Pixar Sequels

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for October, "More to Say," is not a Mexican Metal song. You're thinking of "Muertese," which is pronounced the same, but means Die in Spanish.

Did anyone else take advantage of that offer where you get a free 6-month subscription to Disney Plus if you buy a new yacht? It seemed like a good deal, but five months later, I had barely turned on the TV because I was too busy yachting about! But now that the weather is cooling down and I've basically yachted my fill for one yacht season, I thought I would take advantage of that subscription and watch all the Pixar sequels in order. If any of you are in the same boat... get off my damn yacht! But if you are in the same boat metaphorically, here is a guide to those movies. 

Toy Story 2 (1999) - Andy swears he left his toys in the chest, but he begins to grow suspicious when he comes home to find his mother bound and gagged in a cauldron of boiling water, with all of his toys encircling the pot as if they had just moments ago been dancing and chanting. 

Toy Story 3 (2010) - By this point, Disney was sick of limiting their characters to classic or unbranded toys. So, they just said screw it and strung together clips of existing toys-themed movies: Transformers, My Little Pony, Trolls, Care Bears, Battleship, American Girls, Bratz, G.I. Joe, Rainbow Brite, and Strawberry Shortcake. 

Cars 2 (2011) - Chief creative officer John Lasseter originally licensed the script for a movie called SARS, an action-comedy about anthropomorphized coronaviruses infecting respiratory epithelial cells and replicating exponentially. But when Chinese censors refused to release the feature in their market, Pixar eventually caved and changed the viruses to cars. Reportedly, Owen Wilson was shooting another film by this point and was unable to re-record his lines, but Lightning McQueen's offensive Chinese accent is never explained in the movie.

Monsters University (2013) - A few years after the events of Monsters Inc., the city of Monstropolis is stricken with a debilitating energy crisis. The scientists of Monsters University hypothesize that there may be more efficient methods to exploit human children than using their screams or laughter. Mike and Sully conduct clinical trials, attempting to harness the power of children's sneezes, farts, burps, and hiccups, but none are cost-effective. Finally, Boo discovers that the most economic method to generate electricity is a direct conduit to the human brainstem. The closing scene shows human children born in fetus fields and spending their lives in pods, suspended in artificial amniotic fluid, with their headjacks directly feeding into giant underground power plants. Throughout this montage, Randy Newman sings a Southern-accented Americana-influenced song called "We Gotta Work Together to Make this Work." 

Finding Dory (2016) - After Finding Nemo, every spoiled brat wanted their parents to pony up hundreds of dollars to buy them a saltwater aquarium so they could have their own clownfish (Nemo) and a Blue Tang (Dory.) Things got even more expensive after this sequel was released, because those same kids now demanded an octopus (Hank), a beluga whale (Bailey), and a dentist. 

Cars 3 (2017) - Sorry, I can't bring myself to watch this one. 

Incredibles 2 (2018) - Originally called Frozone, this movie featured Mr. Incredible's bosom buddy Lucius Best skating around Metroville, immobilizing thugs with the vapor from his breath and the occasional frozen urine whip. Test audiences loved seeing a strong black super in a leading role, but Disney balked at the proposed title because it was too similar to another movie that was slated to be released the following year. If Pixar had their way, we wouldn't have had Incredibles 2 (2018) and Frozen 2 (2019), but Frozone (2018) and Thawed (2019).

Toy Story 4 (2019) - The only new toy that appeared in this franchise was a spork, so merchandising tie-in opportunities were relatively sparse. Pixar did their best to make up for the lost revenue with key product placements, including Buzz Lightyear's catchphrase, "To Infiniti... and Beyond Burger!"

Lightyear (2022) - After providing voice talents for 22 films, John Ratzenberger had a falling out with Pixar just before the filming of this Toy Story prequel. "It's not about the money," Ratzenberger said. "It's about respect. They don't pay me Joan Cusack money, they don't respect me. And ain't nobody can play [Hamm the Piggybank] as believably as me." Ratzenberger was correct. He was so convincing in the role, Pixar executives were eventually compelled to smash him to pieces with a hammer, and use the spare change that rolled out to hire his replacement. 

With warmest regards,

Zach