Bridal Party Contest Part 2

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for April is entitled, "Drinking and Sailing." Is this song an instant classic? Maybe, maybe not, but you can't stop me from putting in a hashtag. #instantclassic

Thank you to everyone who participated in last month's Hard Taco Wedding Toast Contest and lost! You are free to resent the big winner, Carina. She was the only contestant to recognize that a roomful of Nazis was the only thing missing from our otherwise perfect Jewish wedding.



The Winning Toast. I'm not sure who Will O'Hare is.

Although this is wrong for so many reasons, Carina has been retroactively awarded the title of 7th Groomsman and her image has been inserted into the back row of this photo of our bridal party, which is now in the Library of Congress.

When you're done with this picture, please put it in the

Library of Congress after-hours drop box.

I have also retroactively added her to this thank-you speech which I gave the night before the wedding. Even if you don't know these people, I hope you can appreciate the sentiments... friendship and brotherhood are universal!

Zach and Lauren Groomsmen Speech March 10, 2001 (Final draft)

I want to take this opportunity to express my heartfelt gratitude to my groomsmen. You are my brothers, my best friends, my most trusted confidantes. Sometimes, life can dole out some cruel hiccups, but I know that whatever happens, the seven of you will always be there for me. I think it would be fair to say that the likelihood of any of us ever growing apart is about the same as the chance of a terrorist attack on American soil. It's just never going to happen!

Brian. When I first heard you were dating my sister, I thought, "Who is this guy?" Then I found out that you could belch the alphabet in nine languages! Or is it always the English alphabet, but with nine different accents? Either way, come on, get up here and show us. Bri-an! Bri-an! Yahhh! Wooo!

Jeff K. A lot of people don't know this, but you used to have so many pimples. (Pause for laughter and applause.) To commemorate our friendship, here are dozens of tubes of zit cream. Just kidding, Bro! I'm just giving you a hard time... because of the zits!

Ethan. What can I say? I've known you since fourth grade. Sometimes, when people accuse me of not having any black friends, I lie to them and tell them that you are black. Is that weird? Maybe, but I'm sure you understand better than anyone why I do it. Anyway, interesting fact about Ethan... he's the only person in Wisconsin to ever get trapped inside of a riding lawn mower on live TV. True story.

Other Jeff. Let me share an amusing anecdote. Last year, Other Jeff and I went to a performance by Carl the PG-13 Rated Hypnotist. The gimmick is that Carl hypnotizes volunteers from the audience and makes them do and say things that may be inappropriate for children under 13. It's a riot. Anyway, Jeff volunteered, and once he was fully hypnotized, he started telling the audience that he was a Crib Death Survivor! I hadn't known this about him, but his parents later confirmed it for me... he suffered from a bad case of crib death when he was a baby, but at the last minute he made it. I have so much more respect for him now that I know what he's been through. Clearly, he never would have opened up like that for the PG-rated hypnotist we usually go to.

Josh. What's up, Roomie? This guy (pat Josh's head, if available) is the king of elbow grease. One time in college, there was some calypso music playing at our dorm party, and Josh yells, "Conga Line!" Then suddenly everyone else is like, "Did somebody say CONGA LINE?" It was unreal. I guess you had to be there.

Carina. Where are your yarmulke and bow tie? I hate to call you out in front of everybody, but frankly, it's disrespectful. All the other groomsmen are wearing yarmulkes and bow ties, and you're just wearing some kind of fuzzy scarf. If this is your passive aggressive way of getting back at the rest of us for not inviting you to the bachelor party, congratulations, it worked. The wedding pictures are ruined. I hope you're happy. 

Russell. To my new little brother, I only have one thing so say: "Beep! Beep! Initiating startup sequence! Beep! Beep!" That's a private joke between Russ and I, and there's no way I'm going to explain what it means to the rest of you!

Here's another one: "Officer down! Officer down!" Hilarious.

Or how about this one: "Who wants to play some KENO? Anyone? Keno?" That one's an instant classic. #instantclassic

So that's it. My only question is, who is going to be my wingman tonight and dance with the other brides so I can hit on the hot one? (Pat Lauren's head, if available.)

With warmest regards,
Zach

Please Join Our Bridal Party

Dear Friends,

   The Hard Taco song for March is called, "Down at the Berl." The crawfish boil, or "berl," is the classic Louisiana seafood gala. Cajuns cannot pronounce the sound oi, which is why so few of them are Jewish grandmothers. (Er! My daughter could have married that lerer, but her new berfriend is an unemplered ger! Maybe I should person his sermilk?)

The Turquoise Badge of Top Sellerness

Moonspotcollectibles101
(29303 rankings) 
100% positive feedback

Unless you have applied 20 cumulative miles of packing tape to cardboard, you are one of the millions of eBay users who can only sigh wistfully at the unattainable turquoise shooting star.

I've made an eBay bid or two in my time, and I'm happy to say I still have 100% positive feedback. I can't really claim to be proud of this, though, because everyone has 100% positive feedback. There is a bylaw on eBay's Terms and Conditions page that states that real feedback is only permitted when it is quietly sandwiched between screamed compliments.

"Great job great AWESMOE PRODUCT great communication!!!! gene hackman autograph never arrived A+++++++ THANKS!!!"

Seriously, dear friends. The A with seven plus signs after it used to mean something. The only institution with worse grade inflation than eBay is karate class. (See prior rant.)

That's why I renounced online auctioning about 10 years ago. My last serious eBay purchase took place just before my wedding. It is traditional for a groom to give his groomsmen a modest token of gratitude at the rehearsal dinner... either a monogrammed flask or any product made by Victorinox. Rather than saddle my besties with yet another swarm of Swiss Army Ants, I decided to go with autographed pictures of their favorite celebs. 

  

My third groomsman is/was a Harrison Ford fan. He likes to dress like Indiana Jones, insomuch as he always wears his belts diagonally instead of horizontally.

Third best groomsman.
(It's not only okay to rank them, it's necessary.)

I went on eBay and got him this signed 8"x10" glossy, but soon after it arrived, I started having second thoughts about giving it to him. Indy isn't even looking at the camera. Without seeing his face, how could I be sure it was really Harrison Ford?

The enclosed certificate vouches for the authenticity of the autograph,
but it does not say anything about the authenticity of the photograph.

I couldn't fathom why Harrison Ford would sign a fake picture of himself, but it didn't seem right to give a tainted piece of memorabilia to my fourth best groomsman. (Sorry for the demotion, Jeff, but those diagonal belts look really stupid. Tell Brian he's #3 now.) In the end, I found him a nice autographed picture of a Star Wars extra from a "top seller" with 110% positive feedback. The Raiders of the Lost Ark photo stagnated on my desk, and over many months it was sucked into the undertow of deep storage documents.

Then, a couple weeks ago, I was cleaning out a file cabinet and found it. Here's the dilemma... I don't want to keep the photo, but it's too valuable to throw away, and I'm certainly not going to sell it on eBay. I realize just now that the only way for this picture to fulfill its destiny is for us to recruit one more groomsman (or groomsmaid), and give it to him/her!

I would like you to apply to be that groomsman/groomsmaid. To be eligible, all you have to do is write a toast for our wedding. The only details you need are that the bride's name is Lauren and it is March 2001. (Also, everyone is excited because one of the actors from "The Usual Suspects" is hanging out in the hotel lobby, but you don't have to use that.) Feel free to make your toast sappy, funny, or embarrassing... it's your call, Groomsperson!

Send the text of your toast to znlondon@hotmail.com by the end of March, and you may be chosen as the winner. The prize package includes the Harrison Ford autograph, a doctored picture of you with the rest of the bridal party, and a personalized thank you note on original wedding stationery!

You've always been there for me and I just want to say I love you, man/woman,
Zach