MORE FUN GODDAMIT!! [sic]

Dear Friends,

Throw a plastic bag over your head right now because your mind is about to be blown, and it's going to get messy.

The new Hard Taco album drops on all major streaming platforms today! 

Little Zippers features all of the Hard Taco songs from the last year, including (and led by) today's song release, the barbershop quartet-inspired "Belt and Suspenders (Grandma Was Put In a Shoebox)."

Where did the album title come from? Oh, there's a great story there. Little Zippers was the name of the name of the preschool I went to when I was a youngster. It's true, you can ask my sister! And if there's a more adorable name for a room full of toddlers, I'll eat that brain-soaked plastic bag on your head. 

I like to think that Little Zippers is an equally apt title for this collection of zippy little tunes. Head over to your favorite streaming platform today and check it out. 

MORE FUN

Last night, Malcolm asked if he could borrow my phone to use my subscription GPT account. When he returned the phone to me 20 minutes later, here is the thread I discovered. Most of us are no longer impressed with AI image generation, but I want you to pay attention to the human side of this conversation, and I'll explain why at the end. 

User:

[Picture of Malcolm's friend on a boat]

This is [friend's name], it’s her birthday today. Make a picture of her having fun in a birthday party.

 

ChatGPT:

Here is an image of a joyful young woman celebrating her birthday at a party.

User:

More fun!!!

 

ChatGPT:

Here's a more lively and fun image of the birthday celebration.

 

User:

She is having EVEN MORE FUN!!!

 

ChatGPT:

The party is now at its peak of excitement and fun.

 

User:

I don’t think it is… I want her to surpass the limit of what was once known as the peak of human enjoyment. I want her to have EVEN MORE FUN!!!

 

ChatGPT:

The celebration has been elevated to a spectacle of pure delight and exuberance.

 

User:

Her fun levels have reached an unreasonable and almost godlike heights.

 

ChatGPT:

The depiction of celebration has transcended to a divine level of enjoyment.

 

User:

MORE FUN GODDAMIT!!

 

ChatGPT:

If you have specific ideas or elements you'd like to see, please let me know, and I'll do my best to incorporate them into a new image.

User: 

She is literally bursting from the immense fun she is experiencing

 

ChatGPT:

The image now portrays an otherworldly celebration, capturing an intensity of joy that's truly cosmic in scale.

 

User:

I said BURSTING!!!

ChatGPT:

It may not be feasible to create an image that accurately represents that concept without potentially creating a depiction that is not in good taste.

 

User:

Not a concept. I want her to explode.

 

ChatGPT:

I'm sorry, I cannot create or provide imagery that depicts harm or violence, even in a metaphorical or exaggerated context like "exploding from fun."

 

User:

She is experiencing so much fun that she is transforming into the concept, she is becoming fun.

 

ChatGPT:

The image represents a magical transformation, where the joy and spirit of the celebration become almost tangible, encapsulating the essence of fun.

 

And that's where the thread ended. And while I laughed harder at each successive picture, it left me feeling strangely... emotional? Because Malcolm is going full Karen on the AI, placing increasingly unrealistic demands on behalf of his friend. He refuses to settle for anything less than absolute and unfettered birthday joy for her, one that pushes all worldly boundaries of jubilation.

Wouldn't you give anything for a friend like that?

With warmest regards,

Zach

Auld Ang Syne

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for January is called, "Attack Ads." I hope listeners know me enough to recognize that this is not simply a send-up of our political system.  Nor is it a style-parody of songs that mimic political farces. Rather, it is a lyrical pasquinade that deconstructs the recipe for lampooning pastiches that impersonate parodies of political spoofs. In other words, it is a Gobstopper of satire, with so many layers that no one is cultured enough to appreciate it on the level it was intended.

Conversely, the most popular songs in the English language have only one layer. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, and they are:

1. Happy Birthday To You
2. For He's a Jolly Good Fellow
3. Auld Ang Syne

One cannot mention these three songs without, in the same breath, discussing their discrepancies in copyright status. Warner Communications claims that it holds all rights to "Happy Birthday To You" until 2030. As a result, a live performance of this song costs $700 in royalties, and inclusion of the song in a movie costs $10,000. Thus, birthday parties in film often culminate with a sing-along of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," a song that is so asinine that no one has confessed to any part of its authorship.

"Auld Ang Syne" is also in the public domain, and thus free. It notable for being the third most popular English language song, despite the fact that it clearly is not in English. The lyrics were written by the Scottish military leader, William Wallace, of "Braveheart" fame. In 1305, King Edward found Wallace guilty of violating a number of intellectual property laws and sentenced him to public disembowelment. Witnesses to the execution transcribed the nonsensical Scottish interjections that Wallace mumbled during his disembowelment, and later cobbled them together to make the lyrics to "Auld Ang Syne."

According to legend, as his final intestine was removed, Wallace shouted, "I immediately revoke all personal or corporate rights to this song or any derivative thereof, pronounce it to be forthwith in the intellectual commons, will seek neither injunctions nor monetary damages, and without duress grant freedom to all parties for its reproduction for any purpose in perpetuity!!!"

This, of course, is the remarkable quote for which William Wallace is best remembered. It is carved into the cornerstone of Edinburgh City Chambers. Scottish children recite it each morning before class, and again whenever someone sneezes. In the filming of "Braveheart," Mel Gibson screamed the whole line with Oscar-winning intensity during the disembowelment scene. Unfortunately, the theatrical release was already pushing three hours, so the editors trimmed it down to, "Freedom!"

That Mr. Wallace sacrificed his viscera to promote the free use of "Auld Ang Syne" only throws into sharp relief the greed of a music industry that would do anything to enforce their dubious rights to the birthday song. Marilyn Monroe famously sang "Happy Birthday to You" to John F. Kennedy, and refused to pay the $700 to Warner Communications. Where was she three months later? Dead of mysterious causes! (Quite possibly public disembowelment.)

That is why my wife and I have come to regret choosing the song, "Happy Birthday to You" as our safe word. Yes, it's sixteen words, and it's not always easy to carry a tune when someone is firing a squirt gun full of hot wax at your forehead. But the main reason I rarely use it is that I'm too much of a cheapskate. Who wants to forfeit $700 in royalties just to avoid a few stiletto marks on the lower back?

Or, um, $10,000 for that one time?

With warmest regards,
Zach