White Lustrium: The Birthstone of Cheaptember

Dear Friends,

The new Hard Taco song for June, "I'm Not Saying, I'm Just Saying," is meant to serve as a welcome for our newest band member, Malcolm London. If you say this fast, you sound like Pac-man: Welcome, Malcolm, welcome, Malcolm, welcome, Malcolm!

New Hard Taco CD: "Jupiter the Balloon Horse"
Hard Taco's freshest, moddest (as in, "most mod") full-length CD, "Jupiter the Balloon Horse" has dropped. Having this album is such a good idea, it is now widely accepted to be the gold standard by which all other good ideas are based. To help put this context, I've developed the 10-point Having Jupiter (HJ) scale. The higher the number, the better the idea! Here's an example:

9 HJ's - Wearing a tie to a black tie party
7 HJ's - Wearing a tie to a white elephant party
3 HJ's - Bringing an elephant to a black tie party
1 HJ - Bringing a black elephant to a white elephant supremacist party

Who's in the house? Education!
Now that I have children, I have a tough decision to make. Do I want to homeschool? When my wife and I first talked about it, we came up with this list:

Homeschooling Pros:

• Kids would both be valedictorians
• Get to take off work every time the teacher's union goes on strike
• Get to print up customized "hall passes."

Homeschooling Cons:

• Have to build a full gymnasium and an Olympic-sized pool with high dive
• Pep rallies - would they be underwhelming?

Our biggest concern was that many of the commercially available homeschool curricula have thinly-veiled religious undertones. It turns out our concerns were justified. I could not, for instance, find standardized homeschool lesson plans to teach heretical studies or gay-sex education. Sadly, the majority of homeschooled children graduate "high school" without ever learning how to perform third- and fourth-trimester abortions! It's no wonder homeschooled children do so poorly on standardized tests.

Speaking Of "Intelligent Design"
In the end, we thought of one word that made us accept the fact that our children would have to go to public school: Josten's. The culmination of a public school education is that oversized nugget of beautiful tradition known as a high school class ring. How can homeschooled children celebrate achievements, preserve memories, and shows pride if they can't purchase a class ring*?

Believe me… Josten's class rings live up to the hype. They are made of white lustrium, an alloy of silver and chromium that is guaranteed by the manufacturer to remain tacky for the lifetime of the wearer. The inset is hemi-semi-precious stone such as blue zircon or white spinel. (According to the website, the latter is the birthstone of Cheaptember!) The sides of the ring can be used to depict life-long interests such as:

Hip Hop Awareness

Pheasant Hunting

Love of Satan

JeffGordon

   

Josten’s class rings are also great for "building affiliations." To this day I have held out hope that a potential employer may place his middle finger next to mine and declare, "Look… we are both dedicated to calf-roping! Let me enlarge your signing bonus!"

Calf-Roping

My Ring ("Zach" is written in Russian)

Of course, this has never really happened. Most people seem to think my class ring is pretty tasteless. In fact, most people don't even look at it at all, unless they are worried that I am about to punch them and they want to predict how much it is going to hurt.**

If I step back, I think my dedication to the concept of the Josten's class ring may have been instilled in me by the onslaught of propaganda from my high school teachers and administrators. They really pressured us into buying class rings. At the time, I thought it was a school pride thing, but now I know the true reason... public schools are under the thumb of BIG LUSTRIUM.

With warmest regards,
Zach

* Josten's apparently does sell class rings to homeschooled children, but they have a disclaimer on their website that these rings are "devoid of all value, emotional or material."
** A little bit more than usual.

Real Hot American Extreme Justice

Dear Friends, 

The April Hard Taco song, "Jupiter" is an homage to an actual Barnum and Bailey circus horse from the early part of the 20th century. Jupiter's act consisted of floating around the big top suspended from a large hydrogen-filled balloon. He was undoubtedly the first horse to accomplish this feat, and it is likely that he was also the last.

Booty call / Civic Duty Call 

I had the honor of sitting on my first jury last week. Anyone can be summoned for jury duty, of course, but they don't select just anybody to sit on the panel. Have you ever wondered if you have the grit to disburse real extreme justice? Let's find out. I'll give you the facts and you decide the verdict. 

Please note that none of the names have been changed, since all of this is now part of the public record. However, if any of the named parties prefer that I give them pseudonyms, please threaten me in some way, and I will be happy to change them.

The defendant, David Carden, was accused of driving while intoxicated.  On the evening of February 23rd, 2006, he met his accountant at Banfield's Bar and Grill to go over some back taxes. When their business concluded, the defendant consumed one "Jack and Coke", left the bar, and drove towards his brother's house on the north side of town. A couple of miles into the trip, he dropped a lit cigarette on the floor of his car. When he bent down to pick it up, he drove off the road and totaled his car. 

An experienced police officer arrived on the scene a few minutes later and ran the standard battery of sobriety tests. The defendant was able to successfully walk a straight line and stand on one foot counting backwards. However, when asked to say the alphabet (forwards, mind you), Mr. Carden got stuck at Q, and then skipped to W, X, Y, Z. He was brought back to the police station and given a formal Breathalyzer test (the "Datamaster 2000"), which he failed. 

If you're thinking, "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" you might have what it takes to be a U.S. Citizen. Nevertheless, I suggest you hear the rest of the evidence before lurching to conclusions like a total idiot. 

Galloping Through the W-2 

Jeffrey Strauss, the defense attorney, called only one witness besides the defendant himself. I can affirm that what follows is more or less a verbatim transcript, because I was taking notes. 

"The defense calls Robert Binang to the stand. This man is my client's accountant. However, I will have you know that this man goes by many other names." 

With that, Mr. Binang took the oath and sat in the witness chair. Mr. Strauss then launched into a series of questionably relevant questions. 

"Mr. Binang. Is it true that you also go by the name... FARM ANIMAL?" 

  "Yes, it's true." 

"And Mr. Binang, is not also true that some people call you... STALLION?" 

  "Yes, sir." 

"And finally, Mr. Binang, is it not true that most people at Banfield's know you simply as...PONY?" 

  "It's true." 

The rest of the examination made no reference to these monikers, whatsoever. I wasn't really paying close attention, though, because the mention of accounting reminded me that I had not yet filed my own taxes this year. Instead of dissecting the testimony, I just kept sizing up The Farm Animal, wondering how much he would charge per hour to go over my deductions. 

Seeing How it Goes  

The most remarkable moment of the trial came during the defense's closing arguments. Mr. Strauss walked back and forth in front of the jury,  insisting that the defendant's failure to properly recite the alphabet was not significant. Mr. Carden had, after all, passed the balance tests with flying colors, so he could not have been drunk. 

"I can't ask you to stand up and do these balance tests," Mr. Strauss told us, "but I invite you to say the alphabet and see how it goes." 

What? I looked around at my fellow jurors but no one else seemed to have caught that. Did he just ask us to say the alphabet... and see how it goes? Was he challenging us, the jury of this man's peers, to recite all 26 English letters in order, and determine for ourselves if this task constituted a reasonable measure of sobriety? 

Scratching Our Nails on the Chalkboard of Real Hot American Extreme Justice 

The jury reached a guilty verdict in under a minute. For the sake of appearances, we hung around in the jury room for another 10 minutes pretending that we were carefully delberating about the strengths of the Alphabet Defense. 

I have to say... I am convinced that if the defense attorney had come up with a memorable catch phrase, his client would still be free today. For future reference, Mr. Strauss, I suggest,"The alpha-bit... is some tough shit. You must acquit!" 

With warmest regards, 

Zach