Current Events 1918-2008

Dear Friends,   

The Hard Taco song for April is called "Sloppy." This song will allow you to channel your inner pigeon and bob your head quasi-rhythmically.

I've been spending the weekend with some relatives, so I took the opportunity to outsource this month's Hard Taco Digest to them. Each of them was asked to write a poem about something from the news the year he or she was born. Here are those poems, in reverse chronological order.

2008

by Malcolm London (son)

SpaceX!

SpaceX!

You did it!

Hooray!

You launched Falcon 1 without any delay.

You showed NASA that you can do it yourself

But I hope you find room on your trophy shelf.

2007

by Shaina Wolkenberg (niece)

Walking along the sidewalk

Backwards because the snow

Only made it across one block

Because of the blizzards we all know.

Through Denver and Chicago

Then Kansas gets a blow

From a tornado spinning fastly

2007, here we go. 

2005 Haikus

 by Scarlett London (daughter)

Hurricanes are bad

Katrina was terrible

Lots of people died

Many people fled

They did not want to perish

In the hurricane

It was very sad

Because lots of people died

In the hurricane

Lots of lives were lost

In hurricane Katrina

They were very sad

The hurricane struck

People sprinted for their lives

To escape the storm

It was very sad

When the hurricane happened

Because there was death

Dogs and humans died

In that nasty hurricane

Most everyone's dead

It was very big

It was category five

It was scary, too

Lots of pets perished

The owners were very sad

Then the owners died

Everybody died

In hurricane Katrina

It was quite quite sad

1976

by Lauren London (lead singer)

COD WARS! The conflict scarcely known

Just who could own sweet abalone.

In North Atlantic waters cold,

Did Iceland stalk her coasts, so bold.

But British schooners also claim'd

those famous fisheries untam'd. 

Oh! Fishers brandishing their spears,

Jeering temper'd trawlers' leers.

Thrice the parties met in ire!

With fish a-floppin' to acquire.

Just smell the mighty drying pile

of pescatorial carcass vile.

Thrice did Iceland get its wish

Oh, fate befalling chips and fish!

But peace in '76 returned,

And Celtics each their cod have earned. 

1950

by Nina Schwartz (mother-in-law)

Joseph McCarthy, or "Tail-Gunner Joe"

Demagogue, liar, and everyone's foe

Started the Red Scare by claiming to know

A who's who of commies. It just wasn't so.

He stated the U.S. Department of State

Was harboring pinkos, in fact, quite a spate

Said he had a paper, right there in his hand

And the House forced some good guys to take the stand.

Charlie Chaplin, Helen Keller, Fred Zinnemann, Pete Seeger

All came under their gavel eager

He finally earned censure in 1954

And we thought the the big lie had been killed evermore.

1949

by Bob Schwartz (father-in-law)

78s are breakable

45s are stackable

We make that change

In 1949

Song would have more runtime

But for music, not a fun time

Pop tunes a drag

In 1949

U.S. leaves Korea

Stalin says, "We'll see ya."

The boys come home

In 1949

Mao says, "I rule China."

Gives Chaing Kai Shek a shinah

So he takes Taiwan 

In 1949

Russia tests its big tomato

The U.S.A. and pals form NATO

It's two armed camps

In 1949

Then George Orwell has a vision

Sees the future with precision

Guns kill folks but lies kill even more

His book is his prediction

It isn't only fiction

Suddenly it's 1984.

1948

by Carol Wulfson (aunt-in-law)

The most amazing news

Was the ending of diaspora for all o the Jews

And even though we were celebrating

Different wars were gestating

Why is there never peace?

1948

by Roberta Wine London (mother)

It is post World War Two and and the babies are a boom.

The year is 1948,  and peace can't come too soon.

With the Soviets West Berlin a blockading

And the musical South Pacific Broadwaying

TVs now number over a million sets

Velcro is invented, and 33 rpm records....but not yet cassettes.

Polio is affecting kids more and more

Famous people born thIs year : James Taylor, Andrew Lloyd Weber and Al Gore.

The game of Scrabble is invented by a guy named Brunot

And Porshe is founded...but not Pugeot.

The bikini is finding a body of support hardcore,

And there were earthquakes in Turkmenistan and Ecuador.

The UN is busy with post War insights

Including The World Health Organization and the Declaration of Human Rights.

Soldiers back from the War are making up for lost time

Harry Truman is President during the birth of Roberta Wine.

1918

Thelma Gordon (grandmother-in-law)

Spanish Flu...

I
Hate
You!

With warmest regards,

Zach

My Mom's Poems Kick Your Mom's Poems' Asses

Dear Friends,

If you're not in rabbinic school, you may download the new Hard Taco song, "Dovetails" right now.

Today, I would like to pay tribute to one of the greatest bards of the modern era. She is one of the most prolific contemporary American poets, and yet she has never been published... until now. I speak, of course, of my mother, Roberta London. For years I have been haunting the auction houses, scouring garage sales, and scanning through endless reels of microfiche at the Library of Congress. At long last, I have acquired what I believe to be the largest anthology of Roberta London poems anywhere in the world. Now, for the first time ever, these poems have been published online, and they are available exclusively to readers of the Hard Taco Digest. Included are such great works as "You Put the Meaning in the 'F' Word: 'Friend'" and "To Spartacus Fartacus Upon the Occasion of His Recovery From Lumbar Laminectomy of Level 3/4 and 4/5." See here to enjoy this robust collection of long, elegant poems.

 

Speaking of things that are long and elegant, yet robust, I am totally obsessed with the Hummer Limousine! You may have seen these on the streets, but you might not realize that they are the most fearsome military apparatus on the planet.  The Hummer Limo can transport up to 22 armed soldiers over some of the world's the most rugged and uninviting terrain. It's the only stretch limousine with 9.1 inches of ground clearance, a 37.5 degree approach angle and the capacity to ford up to 24 inches of water! It also has 3 plasma screen TV's, a wet bar, a fireplace and a mirror ball. Most of them have been deployed to battle zones already, but there are a handful back in the states, and they are available to civilians for rental! Here are some common scenarios in which you may choose to rent a Hummer Limo:

1. It's prom night, but the school gym is being fumigated, so the dance has been moved 800 miles north into the heart of the Yukon tundra.

2. You need to transport a squad of green berets into enemy territory for a rescue mission, but you forgot to put them through basic training first. If only you could secure a vehicle that has an X-box so they can play HALO on their way to the mission...

3. A dozen of your most important clients just flew in from Japan, and they wired a message to your office saying that they want a "Disco Party in a Volcano." It might be a mistranslation, but do you really want to take chances with a two million dollar account?

The Hard Taco song for April is called "Dovetails." Those of you that are rabbinic students may now download it. I just wanted to make you guys wait to give everyone else a chance for once.

With Warmest Regards,

HT