Our Cubist Period

Dear Friends,

Over the last few years, I've taken you on culturally-sensitive junket after culturally-sensitive junket of Ann Arbor's Sister Cities.

Together, we slept on waterbeds filled with koi in Hikone, gave belly rubs to giant amoebas in Dakar, dressed up as an umlaut for Oktoberfest in Tubingen, and played out our post-election escape fantasies in Peterborough.

I recently learned that we have an unlisted Sister City, maliciously kept from us by our City Elders: Remedios, Cuba.  According to the Ann Arbor Observer, we have been Sisters with Remedios since 2003, but our miserly City Council refused to spend $1000 to erect a new sign. That would be like if Match.com identified your soulmate but refused to tell you because they didn't want to spend $1000 on a new sign.

It's not a very good analogy, but the point is that you can't trust City Elders.

Since 2003, U.S. Cuban relations have thawed. And frozen again. And then thawed a little bit again. It's just like the stuff in my freezer with all the brownouts we get in my neighborhood. Does that happen in Remedios, too, or just in Ann Arbor? Of course, I wouldn't have to ask that question if our City Elders had just sent a goddamn delegation to Cuba 15 years ago like they were supposed to.

Putting that aside, Ann Arbor and Remedios are absolutely perfect Sister Cities. Both are in the same time zone. We live in a flyover state. They live in a no-flyover state. Ann Arbor is known as "A Squared." Someone from Cuba is known as "A Cube."

And so, people of Remedios, here we are. Urban siblings who shared the same metropolitan uterus, but at different times. Sisters at last. As a gesture of goodwill, I named this month's Hard Taco song, "Mateo," after about 125 of you.

And for my Michigan-based readers who would like to dip their skewers into the boiling fondue pot of cultural intercourse, I offer the following hunch-based hard facts about your beautiful little sister.

Remedios, Cuba - Frequently Answered Questions

Population: 46,482. The census bureau estimated this number by counting sales of commemorative "It's a Boy" cigars and multiplying by two.
Number of citizens named Mateo: About 128. (3 boys were born in the last minute, and their parents were inspired by the new Hard Taco song.)
City name translates to: Remedies
City name unscrambles to: Emeroids
Preparation H and Tucks Medicated Pads: Remedies for 'emeroids.
Top Paying Medical Profession: Castro-enterology
Most Important Exports/Imports: Elian Gonzalez/Elian Gonzalez
Most popular political affiliations: Plantain Apologist, Cuban Sandwich Party

Biggest cultural challenge: Marital strife with Lucille Ball

Most Popular Gay Bar: The Anal Vista Social Club
Traditional food: A beret with a red star served on a bed of black beans and rice
Why the ocean water is so warm: The Gulf Stream carries water down from the west coast of Florida, and a lot of kids in Tampa just pee when they're swimming.
Most Popular Freedom Fighter: Ernesto "Che" Guevara
Most Popular Hip-hop Artist: Shawn "Che-Z" Carter
Endemic diseases:  The Cuban Sniffle Crisis, Pork-puller's Elbow
Quien es mas macho? Not the guy sipping a mojito.
High School Mascot: A Stogie with Googly Eyes
Rival High School: The Gitmo Enhanced Interro-Gators. (A waterboarded alligator, also with googly eyes.)

With warmest regards,
Zach

Bet Your Bottom Loonie

Dear Friends,

I used to wonder if my life would have been easier if I had committed to writing one dirty limerick a month rather than one song a month. Probably not. Undoubtedly, life would have been more glamorous, but not easier. There are only so many stories one can tell about a man from Nantucket, and the pressure to come up with new variations that don't sound derivative would be overwhelming. I'll stick with songs for now.  The new one for this month is called, "Why Won't You Cry?"

Here's a brain teaser. Fill in the blank:

"The Sisterhood of the Traveling ____"

The correct answer is that there isn't a correct answer. It's a trick question. The sentence makes no sense, because the blank is in the wrong spot. It should be The Sister ____hood of the Traveling, and the answer is, "City Increases the Likeli."

Sorry. If it was easy, it wouldn't be a brain teaser.

Visiting a Sister City is like borrowing your best friend's shorts. (Yes, I said shorts, not pants. Why do you keep bringing up pants?) Ann Arbor has a half dozen, and each sister is more twisted than the last. I, for one, intend to sightsee the living hell out of all of them.

In recent years, I provided exhaustive stereotype-free travel guides for Hikone, Dakar, and Tübingen. Today, we stand parallel to the world map and crane our necks backwards to examine our Sister in the far North: Peterborough, Ontario.

Nestled on the Ontonabee River, Peterborough is a strikingly small city, appropriately named for handsome screen actor Peter Dinklage.

English is the first language of most residents, but their proximity to Quebec gives them ample opportunities to speak with hilarious French accents, much like the city's namesake, handsome screen actor Peter Sellers.

Known as the "Electric City," Peterborough was the first municipality in Ontario to install wall outlets in every residential home and commercial igloo. The coal-burning electric plants have led to an alarming rash of lung cancer, with a prevalence comparable to that of the city's namesake, handsome television news anchor Peter Jennings.

After AC and DC electricity, tourism is Peterborough's third largest industry. The array of museums, theaters, and cultural exhibitions never seems to grow old, much like the city's namesake, handsome musical cross-dresser Peter Pan.


Peterborough, Ontario - Quick Facts and Guesstimates
Population (February 2016): 80,000
Population (February 2017): Unknown millions, when 49% of the population of the United States fulfills their promise to move to Canada after someone they hate is elected president.
Most common occupations, age under 60: Lumberjack, fur trader, being a flying squirrel
Most common occupation, age over 60: Not being drafted in the Vietnam War
Namesake of City: Handsome singer-songwriter Peter Frampton
Most popular TV show: The Biggest Hoser
What to do if attacked by a grizzly bear: Act like a fish. Then it will hit your head against a rock to stun you before mauling you.
Most popular hate group: The Neo-NotZeds
Legendary hero: Some medieval knight who body-checked a dragon into the walls of a castle.
Other Popular Folk Tales: There are plenty of good ones. When it comes to Canadian mythos, this Digest is not my first beaver rodeo.
Motto: Always carry a camera, in case you need to prove you saw a Sasquatch secretly paying his respects at the grave of a deceased Mountie.
Namesake of City: "Pedro" from Napoleon Dynamite, who is muy guapo
Traditional prom corsage: A bouquet of Molson bottles taped to moose antlers
Driving time to Ann Arbor: 5h 23m by car, 20h 13m by dogsled, 132h 31m by Zamboni (because you have to go back and forth three times to cover the entire road.)
Favorite Judy Blume book: "Tales of a Grade Four Nothing."

With warmest regards,
Zach

Prost Traumatic Stress Disorder

Dear Friends,

One of the best things about living in Ann Arbor is that we have signs, and one of the best things about signs is that some of them list our Sister Cities.  

In the past, we have taken you on a whirlwind tour of Hikone and a whirlpool tour of Dakar. This month, we will embrace both inter-cultural discourse and distant cultural interccourse as we cyber-jaunt through our oldest urban playmate, Tübingen, Germany. 

People of Tübingen, I offer you this month's Hard Taco song, "Ubble-a Dup Dup," which was so-named to give you a healthy American portion of the letter U the way we believe God intended it... without an umlaut. 

Tübingen is a small college town in Southwest Germany, just a few miles from the German Alps. The first recorded mention of the city was in 1191, when it was besieged by Henry IV, King of Germany. He noted that the gentle Neckar River that runs through the city center was "ideal for kayaking and tubing," and called the town Kayakingenundtübingen. This was shortened to Tübingen in 1540 when Martin Luther exposed kayaking as a Papist pastime. 

The University of Tübingen has a world-class reputation for cultivating innovative thought. Well-know graduates include Friedrich Holderlin, the hypochondriac poet, and Alois Alzheimer, who invented dementia. The most popular major among current students is German, although graduates find careers in everything from engineering to lederhosen engineering.

Tübingen, Germany - Quick Facts/Speculations
Population: 89,000
Old world values: Austerity, order
Liberal college town values: Frugality, tidiness
Emblem: David Hasselhoff carefully arranging Gummy Bears 
Tree: The family tree of the Hapsburgs
Flower, and what one says to it: Edelweiss, every morning you greet me.  
Statue in Town Square: A giant beer stein depicting images of scholars discovering that lunch is the most important meal of the day
Motto: Mut und Glauben, Aber Kein Augenkontakt, Bitte. ("Courage and faith, but no eye contact, please.")
Nickname: A Small Cog In Our Great National Cuckoo Clock
Exports: Train parts, curt nods, Popes who think it's okay to retire, BMV luxury cars (they can't pronounce W.)
Favorite Grimm Fairy Tale: A woodsman sells his children to an evil dwarf and lives happily ever after.
Second Favorite Grimm Fair Tale: A queen prays for a child, and a benevolent angel brings her one... in her soup. She immediately recognizes what it is, so she cries while eating it. 
Most Popular Baby Clothing Store: Snugglers of Catan
Traditional angles for viewing Zungenwurst: From the front and in partial profile

Zungenwurst from the front

Zungenwurst in partial profile

With warmest regards,
Zach

The Warring Factions Mostly Fight Each Other, but Occasional Tourist Deaths are Inevitable: A Travel Guide to Dakar, Senegal

Dear Friends,

People of Ann Arbor, you've had over a year to make nice with our Japanese Sister City. Are you ready to bond with our newest metro-sibling, Dakar?

When the West African city became our Li'l Sis in 1997, the hose of cultural dialogue between Ann Arbor and Dakar gushed freely. Regrettably, that stream has slowed to a awkward trickle. Today, let's put our big American thumbs over the mouth of that hose and squirt some high-pressure blasts of intercontinental intercourse at each other!

People of Dakar, I offer you this month's Hard Taco song,  “Baobab Weep,” in honor of the mighty baobab trees that you probably had to cut down to make room for your own Sister Cities sign.  I'd also like to take this opportunity to share with my readers what I've learned about your enchanting little whistle-stop.

Dakar is a multicultural, diverse city full of vibrant arts and traditions!  From the bustling markets of Marche Sandaga to the bustling thieves' dens of the Ouakam district, the people of Dakar know their way around a good bustle. The vast Atlantic coastline offers a pristine haven to watch seabirds and hear a local storyteller make boring-ass allegories about them.

Dakar, Senegal - Quick Facts/Theories 

Population: 2,476,400

Languages: Wolof, but they talk to tourists in French

Emblem: A beggar being pickpocketed by a benevolent tsetse fly

Flower: The Phallic Mangrove

Nickname: Dakar Noir, the classic fragrance by Guy LaRoche

Motto:  “The police force are useless for your safety, but if you speak French, they are good for asking directions.”

Exports: Empty mosquito repellent bottles, gum arabic, Manchester United shirts, conflict diamonds, biodiversity, leprosy clinical trial volunteers

Municipal anthem: “Pluck all your koras (eyebrow hairs), strike all your balafons (sexy poses)"

Politics: Dakar is the capital of Senegal and the home of both the president and prime minister. For decades, both positions have been held by members of the Lâcheté (Cowardice) Party, one of the many holdovers from the French Occupation.

Food and Drink:
Malnourishment is rare, but hunger is common, owing to Dakar's position as the westernmost city in Africa. An easterly wind occasionally carries the distant smells of Chik-fil-A up from the Atlantic. Predictably, this leads to devastating city-wide epidemics of mouth-watering.

Tourists should avoid drinking tap water, except on a dare. While it is unlikely to contain virulent microorganisms, the Dakar water supply is often contaminated with dauntingly large macroorganisms. It is not uncommon to lift a full glass to the lips only to discover that its entire contents are two massive amoebas clanging together. 

Culture:

Soccer, which they call "foot-ballsport," is the national pastime. They take it so seriously that most Senegalese foosball tables have a line of three plastic men faking knee injuries.

Nightlife:

Dakar is home to the world-famous Steam Bar. The room is kept at just over 100 degrees Celsius. The bar, table, stools, chairs and glasses are all made of steam, and the drinks are pre-boiled. This is fortunate, because most mixed drinks contain at least one shot-glass of giant amoeba. 

Useful phrases for Americans in Dakar:

Bonjour, je représente une organisation appelée "Dickheads sans frontières."

Hello, I represent an organization called "Dickheads Without Borders."

Ça vous dérange si mon mari pose pour une photo à côté de votre disparité socio-économique?

Do you mind if my husband poses for a picture next to your socioeconomic disparity?

Votre hospitalité est renommée. Oui, j'aimerais un repas traditionnel des boulettes de poisson et de riz à la pointe du fusil.

Your hospitality is renowned. Yes, I would love a traditional meal of fish balls and rice at gunpoint.

Vos lamas vont mourir, mais vous devez envoyer Heifer International une note de remerciement.

I realize that llamas can’t survive in this climate, but it wouldn’t kill you to send Heifer International a thank you note.

Vous avez raison de dire que ce sont drones américains tête. Essayez de regarder occupé.

You are correct that those are U.S. drones overhead. Try to look busy.

Je suis désolé d'apprendre que la paix dernier Corp bénévole juste assis autour et fumé toute votre marijuana. 

Nous allons essayer de faire mieux.

I am sorry to hear that the last Peace Corp Volunteer just sat around and smoked all your weed. We will try to do better.

Pouvez-vous croire que les filles équipe de plongée de Pioneer a gagné de nouveau en 2006?

Can you believe the Pioneer Girls Swim and Dive team won nationals again in 2006?

Plus, a few time-tested pickup lines:

Vous ne serez pas attraper scrumpox parce que j'ai des herbes dans mon pantalon.

You will probably not catch scrumpox from me, for I just applied an herbal remedy in the bathroom. 

Vos yeux énormes me font penser à un bébé occupé suscité.

Your enormous eyes remind me of a bushbaby in heat.

Aucun de nous comme parler de navires négriers.

I couldn't help but notice that you seem very uncomfortable discussing the history of the slave trade here. 

That makes two of us!

Puis-je vous acheter une amibe taille de balles de golf et tonique?

Can I buy you a golf-ball sized amoeba and tonic?

Non, Cal Tech a été mon école de sauvegarde.

No, Cal Tech was my safety school.

With warmest regards,
Zach

HAI to the Victors

Dear Friends,


Did you know that my family is part of a citizen diplomacy network that creates and strengthens partnerships between international communities? Yeah, that's us, because we live in Ann Arbor, so we've got this:

This month, let us lay a wreath of delicately arranged respect at the feet of one of our beloved sister cities: Hikone, Japan.

People of Hikone, I looked at your municipal website and it is BREATHTAKING. I'm so so so sorry that you got stuck with Ann Arbor as your Sister City. There's a chance that you'll dig the Naked Mile and the Hash Bash, but if you're expecting us to go toe-to-toe with you on lakes and castles, our cultural exchange is sure to disappoint.

I only hope that I can mitigate that disappointment by contributing something to our inter-metropolitan communion.  People of Hikone, I offer you this month's Hard Taco song, "Sushi Fun Song," and dedicate it to your rich history and rich natural surroundings that I keep reading about on your website. "Sushi Fun Song" is essentially indistinguishable from your own traditional music, except that it is many times better, because it is not gong-based. On behalf of my mayor (who is indistinguishable from your own), we hope that this familiar sonic landscape will prime you for more adventurous cultural intercourse in the years to come.

People of Ann Arbor, when you're done sprinting through the Diag, I invite you to put some clothes on for God's sake, or at least cover up with a towel or something, and meet your Sister City.

Hikone, Japan

Population: 110,132
Emblem: A majestic volcano slurping noodles
Flower: Raw horse meat arranged beautifully
Tree: The bonsai version of the Michigan state tree, whatever that is.
Nickname: The Fugitive Whaler-Harboring City
Motto: "Shave your head and apologize more."
Exports: Valves, kendo sticks, blush saké, carp-shaped wind socks
Pokemon of choice: Woobat
Traditional Sodoku series, horizontal: 346 791 528
Traditional Soduku series, veritcal: 378 124 569 
Current Mayor: Hiko Nyan, defender of Castle Hikone

Introduction:

Hikone, an historical city in the prefecture of Shiga, is where ancient tradition meets early 20th century tradition. The same kimono-clad, umbrella-bearing women that shuffle around the city by day may later be found at a singles bar, sporting English language T-shirts with provocative messages such as, "Do not small parts in mouth avoid eating" or, "Measurable which designated prudently alive please."

Culture:
The people of Hikone take pride in being among the most apologetic in Japan. Often, the greeting yee watashia moto ko wishinay is repeated twice by each party upon meeting. It means, “No, I repent more. No, I repent more.” A popular bunraku puppet theater production features dozens of elaborately crafted puppets trying to shout this sentence over each other for four and a half hours.

Useful Phrases, by setting:
At a restaurant:

美味しいふぐ

• We pray for the lasting prosperity of the poisonous blowfish.

醤油の販売店

• A nation weeps for the dealer who sold you this soy sauce.

相撲胃イコル

• With rice, please bring me something that was scraped from beneath the sumo wrestler's colorful belly band. 

味噌納豆納豆味噌

• My miso has natto, my natto has no miso. (Apparently, this is a pun that can mean two things depending on your inflection. One meaning is high political satire and the other is crude joke about earthquake-induced radiation damage. Be sure to use the former inflection, because it is too soon for the latter.) 

At a business meeting:

本質的な子孫が成人で遊ばせてください

• My benefactor derives his supremacy from the will of the people with whom resides sovereign power.

9月まで閉鎖

• Silence! Respect-for-the-Aged-Day is celebrated on the 3^rd Monday in September. That is months from now.

大きな塔、小さなペニス

• It is said that a man with so many roofs on his pagoda must be compensating for something.

地震に対する安全性

• I will remove my shoes and put on slippers before stepping onto your ritual elliptical trainer.

At a nightclub:

セクシーなトビウオ

• Forgive me if I'm too forward, but would you enjoy hanging this carp-shaped windsock from a pole?

愛好家の永遠

• Nice to meet you, too. Please cut your sash and bind us together so we will look beautiful in death.

私は平均マカクよ

• There are no tigers in Japan, so I will call my autobiography, “Battle Hymn of the Snow Macaque Mother.” 

月見の時間

• Pardon my wheelbarrow. There are 1,945 Japanese characters and I really wanted a full keyboard on my smartphone.

At a tourist center:

私は敵の神社を汚す

• I wish to defile an enemy shrine. Is there one nearby?

歴史的な餃子は私達に誇りを与える

• Where can I find dumplings that have survived from the peaceful Edo period (1603-1868)?

あなたの仕事でひどいです。

• Ikebana is the art of Japanese flower arrangement. I should not have to tell you this, because you work at a tourist center.

With warmest regards,
Zach