Auguries, Omens, and Presages

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for June is “Let Me Get My Readers.” I never uttered this phrase once in my life until a few years ago, and now I find a reason to say it nearly daily. Often, I preface it with an impassioned pleas, such as “I beg of you…” or “I’ll tell you anything you want, just…”

In other news, I just discovered that I'm a prophet. 

Biblical prophecy is easy to master because it's all Mad Libs. 

"Lo, for the (plural noun) shall (verb) upon the (noun)." 

- (Amish-sounding first name) (2-digit number):(1-digit number)

But I found that my talent lies not in speaking on behalf of God, but in predicting the news in song lyrics. Here are some recent world events that were foreshadowed in Hard Taco songs. 

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Event: The Capital Riots, January 6. 2021
Eerily prescient song: “Run Randomonium” October 1, 2019.

“It’s a wise uprise, it’s a blest unrest, it’s a true-blue coup, and the riot in The Capital’s joyous.”

This quote makes it sound like I was pre-emptively supporting the January 6 riots. Come on, Jake (if that's your name.) It's called prophetic satire. There is a long history of satirical prognostication, like when Nostradamus predicted that Napoleon would exist, he'd be super tall and wouldn’t be ashamed to show both of his hands when posing for portraits. 

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Event: The destruction of Sanibel Island by Hurricane Ian, September 28, 2022.
Eerily prescient song: “Scrapbooking” March 1, 2021

“Mushroom clouds in pastels, seashells, wedding bells for your Armageddon-themed wedding on Sanibel.”

The destruction of Sanibel Island was so complete, it was described as “Total Armageddon” by local business owners. In the aftermath, couples have continued to tie the knot among the ruins. 

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Event: The death of Gordon Lightfoot, May 1, 2023
Eerily prescient song: "Blankety Blank” May 1, 2009

“And the ghost of Gordon Lightfoot sang Oh Canada Our Home.”

Sure, you could say that this wasn’t particularly uncanny because everyone dies eventually, and the Canadian National Anthem is so catchy, we'll all be singing it in the afterlife. But the remarkable thing is that "Blankety Blank" was released exactly 14 years before his death. TO THE DAY. 

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Event: Artificial intelligence taking over our jobs, every day since November 22, 2022 

Eerily prescient song: “Turing test” August 1, 2020

“My every move brings me closer to your human job.”

The remarkable thing here is not that song lyric, but the accompanying Hard Taco Digest. If you've made it this far, I encourage you to revisit that essay. It included a story called "The Dingo Ate the Baby," and a series of questions designed to distinguish a human from AI. I declared that if a robot could correctly answer all 13 questions, I would concede that it deserved to replace us in the workplace and wedding bed. This morning, I ran the test through ChatGPT... and I'll be sleeping on the couch from now on. 

With warmest regards,
Zach

The Dingo Ate the Baby

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for August is called, "Turing Test."

The Turing test is an interview designed to distinguish a person from a computer. The reason robots can't pass for humans (and steal our jobs) is that even the best AI engine lacks something that most people have... common sense. For instance, read the following:

"The dingo ate the baby because it looked plump and delicious."

In this case, "it" could logically refer to the dingo or the baby, but a person would immediately recognize that it would be silly to mention that the dingo looked plump and delicious. To a computer, both possibilities are equally valid.

Of course, with a single binary question, a computer will guess correctly half the time, so I have written a comprehensive common sense questionnaire to challenge the AI community. I'm looking at you, Google. If you can develop a robot that can answer all 13 these questions as well as a six-year-old kid, I will concede that the robot deserves to replace us in the workplace and the wedding bed.

"The Dingo Ate the Baby: A Test for People:

The park rangers refused to let the Campbell family into the picnic area until they bought a day pass.
Q: Who had to buy a day pass, the park rangers or the Campbell family? 

Amy Campbell asked to speak to the ranger's manager, but she wasn't successful.
Q: Who wasn't successful, Amy or the manager?

After grudgingly agreeing to pay, Amy put the baby in the sandbox, and went back to the car to get its pacifier.
Q: Did the pacifier belong to the baby or the sandbox?

Meanwhile, a bloodthirsty dingo crouched behind the seesaw and watched the baby playing in the sandbox. It grew ravenously hungry.
Q: What grew hungry, the dingo, the seesaw, or the baby?

When Amy returned from the car, the baby was not in the sandbox. She looked all over the playground, but it was gone.
Q: What was gone, the baby, the sandbox, or the playground?

She tried to staple a "Missing Baby" poster to every tree in the park, but there were too many of them.

Q: Were there too many posters or too many trees?

For years, Amy had heard stories about a bloodthirsty dingo who lived in the woods but had never taken them seriously.

Q: What did she never take seriously, the stories or the woods?

The next day, she bought a hatchet from the sporting goods store, and promised her mother that she wouldn't rest until she killed that dingo with it.
Q: Who wouldn't rest, Amy or her mother?
Q: Who would kill the dingo, Amy or her mother?
Q: Would the dingo be killed with the hatchet or the sporting goods store?

When the deed was done, Amy went home, wiped the blood off the hatchet with a wet cloth, and threw it into the washing machine.

Q: What did Amy throw in the washing machine, the hatchet, the blood, or the wet cloth?

She mounted the dingo's head on her living room wall, but it didn't make her feel any better.

Q: What didn't make her feel better, the dingo's head or the wall?

Amy tried to explain how she felt to her friend Andrea, but she didn't understand it. 

Q: Who didn't understand, Amy or Andrea?

Good luck, robots! My employer and wife are both rooting for you!

With warmest regards,

Zach