Real Hot American Extreme Justice

Dear Friends, 

The April Hard Taco song, "Jupiter" is an homage to an actual Barnum and Bailey circus horse from the early part of the 20th century. Jupiter's act consisted of floating around the big top suspended from a large hydrogen-filled balloon. He was undoubtedly the first horse to accomplish this feat, and it is likely that he was also the last.

Booty call / Civic Duty Call 

I had the honor of sitting on my first jury last week. Anyone can be summoned for jury duty, of course, but they don't select just anybody to sit on the panel. Have you ever wondered if you have the grit to disburse real extreme justice? Let's find out. I'll give you the facts and you decide the verdict. 

Please note that none of the names have been changed, since all of this is now part of the public record. However, if any of the named parties prefer that I give them pseudonyms, please threaten me in some way, and I will be happy to change them.

The defendant, David Carden, was accused of driving while intoxicated.  On the evening of February 23rd, 2006, he met his accountant at Banfield's Bar and Grill to go over some back taxes. When their business concluded, the defendant consumed one "Jack and Coke", left the bar, and drove towards his brother's house on the north side of town. A couple of miles into the trip, he dropped a lit cigarette on the floor of his car. When he bent down to pick it up, he drove off the road and totaled his car. 

An experienced police officer arrived on the scene a few minutes later and ran the standard battery of sobriety tests. The defendant was able to successfully walk a straight line and stand on one foot counting backwards. However, when asked to say the alphabet (forwards, mind you), Mr. Carden got stuck at Q, and then skipped to W, X, Y, Z. He was brought back to the police station and given a formal Breathalyzer test (the "Datamaster 2000"), which he failed. 

If you're thinking, "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" you might have what it takes to be a U.S. Citizen. Nevertheless, I suggest you hear the rest of the evidence before lurching to conclusions like a total idiot. 

Galloping Through the W-2 

Jeffrey Strauss, the defense attorney, called only one witness besides the defendant himself. I can affirm that what follows is more or less a verbatim transcript, because I was taking notes. 

"The defense calls Robert Binang to the stand. This man is my client's accountant. However, I will have you know that this man goes by many other names." 

With that, Mr. Binang took the oath and sat in the witness chair. Mr. Strauss then launched into a series of questionably relevant questions. 

"Mr. Binang. Is it true that you also go by the name... FARM ANIMAL?" 

  "Yes, it's true." 

"And Mr. Binang, is not also true that some people call you... STALLION?" 

  "Yes, sir." 

"And finally, Mr. Binang, is it not true that most people at Banfield's know you simply as...PONY?" 

  "It's true." 

The rest of the examination made no reference to these monikers, whatsoever. I wasn't really paying close attention, though, because the mention of accounting reminded me that I had not yet filed my own taxes this year. Instead of dissecting the testimony, I just kept sizing up The Farm Animal, wondering how much he would charge per hour to go over my deductions. 

Seeing How it Goes  

The most remarkable moment of the trial came during the defense's closing arguments. Mr. Strauss walked back and forth in front of the jury,  insisting that the defendant's failure to properly recite the alphabet was not significant. Mr. Carden had, after all, passed the balance tests with flying colors, so he could not have been drunk. 

"I can't ask you to stand up and do these balance tests," Mr. Strauss told us, "but I invite you to say the alphabet and see how it goes." 

What? I looked around at my fellow jurors but no one else seemed to have caught that. Did he just ask us to say the alphabet... and see how it goes? Was he challenging us, the jury of this man's peers, to recite all 26 English letters in order, and determine for ourselves if this task constituted a reasonable measure of sobriety? 

Scratching Our Nails on the Chalkboard of Real Hot American Extreme Justice 

The jury reached a guilty verdict in under a minute. For the sake of appearances, we hung around in the jury room for another 10 minutes pretending that we were carefully delberating about the strengths of the Alphabet Defense. 

I have to say... I am convinced that if the defense attorney had come up with a memorable catch phrase, his client would still be free today. For future reference, Mr. Strauss, I suggest,"The alpha-bit... is some tough shit. You must acquit!" 

With warmest regards, 

Zach

Public Service Announcement Number One

Dear Friends,   

   The only thing I find more odious than the phrase "Old School" is the phrase "Kickin' it Old School." I can't legally condone violence against others for saying it, but if I ever utter the words, "Kickin' it Old School," please break a dinner plate over my face. 

  The Hard Taco song for this month, "Lay Down Paul Revere," is kicking it onlypartially old school. (OUCH! My nose is broken and I deserve it, which is what really hurts!) 

   While you're listening to it, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge, by genre, some of the hip & hop artists that have influenced me most in the last thirty days. 

Old School 
DJ Jazzy Dwight 
The Def Godfather 
Schoolly B 
Boogie La Funk
Steady Mack Mack 
Grandmaster Groove E. Dance 
Kool Terrance
 

New School 

Biggie Flow 
New Jack Twista 
$crapes 'n' Bruise$ 
Explicit A thru L  
Nasty Nutz Cop Raper 
Trillion Dollar Bill 

 

Parochial School 
MC Benevolence 
Rhythm-Method Man 
The Priesty Boys 

Montessori School 

DJ One Centimeter Wooden Cube 

Prep School 

Swettah Vest 
The Bloodline Gang 

Hogwartz School 

Dumble D 
The Playa-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named 

 

   This song is part of a rap opera I am working on called, "Public Service Announcement Number One," the theme song of which is entitled, "Glue Sniffing (Don't Do It.)" I want teenaged youth-persons to know that the rapper lifestyle is not all about spinning radiator grills and huffing glue off of underage girls' chests. Take it from someone who has learned some difficult lessons. Should children be seen and not heard? Maybe. Should glue be touched and not smelled? You better believe it, youth-persons.

   The glamorous people will disappear from your life as soon as the supply of Elmer's dries up (or simply dries.) You will get disabling carpal tunnel syndrome in your glue-stick-twisting hand. One day, you will wake up naked under a stall-table at a Burger King, surrounded by empty bottles of rubber cement and unable to feel your tongue or face.

   I want the rap community to encourage youth-persons to make healthy glue lifestyle choices. Fashioning balsa dinosaur skeletons is a healthy glue lifestyle choice. Writing "I Love You" on manila construction paper with dried macaroni is a healthy glue lifestyle choice. Covering a crappy wicker hand basket with seashells is a healthy glue lifestyle choice. These activities give you what I call "a natural glue high." Am I high on glue? You bet I am. I am high on glue naturally!

With warmest regards,

Zach

Didja Know / Doncha Know

Dear Friends, 

  If Billboard tracked the popularity of quirky French Murder Waltzes, Hard Taco would easily crack the top 20 with our new song, "Les Cavernes Perigord." Get ready to get your Le Freakon.

  For this month's Hard Taco Digest, I am presenting a charming new feature called, "Didja know? / Doncha know?" There's one DK/DK fact for every day of the month, so try to pace yourself.

Feb 1: Didja Know that if you lined up all the molecules in the human intestine side-by-side they would span the distance between two adjacent football fields Doncha Know? 

Feb 2. Didja Know that all of the salt in a 6 oz bag of popcorn could fill a bathtub the size of a mason jar in less time than it takes to fill a box of tissues with pennies Doncha Know? 

Feb 3. Didja Know that when they aired "I Love Lucy" in Japan, they renamed the show, "I will neglect a very popular problem" Doncha Know? 

Feb 4. Didja Know that Wilt Chamberlain reportedly consumed over 15,000 vitamin supplements? That averages out to nearly three vitamins a day since he was 14 years old Doncha Know! 

Feb 5. Didja Know that Nostradamus foresaw that the lower case letter "y" would be a ubiquitous prefix for popular websites and gadgets by the year 2010? He specifically mentions yBank, ySpools, and yYolk Doncha Know. 

Feb 6. Didja Know that Jeffrey Dahmer had a number of severe food allergies, including wheat, eggs, and most vegetables Doncha Know? 

Feb 7. Didja Know that the origin of the phrase "a feather in your cap?" It used to be customary to place a feather into one's cap in certain situations. The practice has been lost over time, but the phrase lives on, and is used in certain situations Doncha Know. 

Feb 8. Didja Know that there were actually 18 American flags planted on the moon? In this picture Neil Armstrong's caddy,  Buzz, is getting ready to lift one of them out of the ninth hole as Armstrong (not shown) prepares to attempt a 600-yard putt Doncha Know.

Feb 9. Didja Know that the dumbest criminal ever was a man in Pennsylvania who tried to hold up a grocery store, but his pants fell down around his ankles and he fell into a grocery cart that rolled into the parking lot and hit a passing police car Doncha Know?

Feb 10. Didja Know that the original basketball was made of burlap and stuffed with molasses Doncha Know?

Feb 11. Didja Know that I am sending several copies of this month's Hard Taco Digest to Bob Barker (price@www.cbs.com), Tori Spelling (favoriteletters@hotmail.com), and Danielle Steele mailto:awsomed@aol.com) Doncha Know? 

Feb 12. Didja Know that in the World Chess Championship, players are allowed to "take back" a poorly conceived move after their opponent’s next turn, so long as they say, "Oh shoot, I didn't see that Doncha Know." 

Feb 13. Didja Know that in Baton Rouge it is customary for a newly elected mayor to mount his opponent's right hand on a scepter and carry it with him to meetings Doncha Know? 

Feb 14. Didja Know that there are less than 3 Malaysian Ringitts to the Canadian Dollar today Doncha Know? 

Feb 15. Didja Know that the first article in the first issue of Reader's Digest was entitled, “Terrifying Stories of People who were Eaten by Man-Eating Sharks and Lived to Tell About it” Doncha Know? 

Feb 16. Didja Know that television actor Skeletor was actually born Rueben Morris Klinenburg Doncha Know?

Feb 17. Didja Know that an ant can carry 100 times it's body weight and a hummingbird can eat 50 times it's body weight, but you (a human) are already fat Doncha Know?

Feb 18. Didja Know that a woman in Europe bought a new car that had accidentally been filled with spider eggs by the manufacturer? Before the woman realized this, she had already driven over fifty miles and the spiders had all hatched and eaten her Doncha Know. 

Feb 19. Didja Know that in England, men point their umbrellas forwards instead of holding them upright or leaning them on their shoulders Doncha Know?

Feb 20. Didja Know that "The Far Side" was turned down for syndication over 100 times? Gary Larson noted that his success came later, when he stopped submitting as a sample an uncaptioned drawing of a gorilla masturbating Doncha Know. 

Feb 21. Didja Know that the term "Dude" was derived from "Yankee Doodle Dandy" Doncha Know? 

Feb 22. Didja Know that the world's oldest calendar is a bone with notches in it, dating back to 15,000 BC Doncha Know?

Feb 23. Didja Know that the world's second oldest calendar is a bone with notches in it and twelve pictures of adorable baby mammoths Doncha Know?

Feb 24. Didja Know that the Volkswagon Microbus is named after the Pygmy Mouse Lemur (Microbus myoxinus) whose shape and unsettling rattle the minivan emulate Doncha Know?

Feb 25. Didja Know that there was a controversial episode of Rainbow Brite that was never aired? In the episode, "Starlite Star Sprite", Murky and Lurky use the Super Gloom Machine to cause sadness all over Rainbowland and steal all of the Star Sprinkles and Color CrystalsDoncha Know. 

Feb 26. Didja Know that Evelyn Pierrepont was the only Duke of Kingston-upon-Hull to be appointed as Master of the Staghounds Doncha Know?

Feb 27. Didja Know that there are the same number of volcanoes in Pakistan (5) as there are planets in our solar system that are thought not to exist Doncha Know?

Feb 28. Didja Know that Starbucks Coffee uses over 40% of the steam imported into America Doncha Know? 

Sincerely,

Zach

Unleashing the Power of Human Power

Dear Friends,

Happy New Year, Baby. The Hard Taco song for January is the self-referential, "Moderate Rock." A friend of mine uses this term in disgust to describe interchangeable radio-friendly rock songs that are identical in tempo and emotional content. That's actually a tall order to fill, but I did my best.

Speaking of friends, I made a new one this week. His name is Homeless Dave, and he has accomplished three things which will eventually go in his obituary:

1. He interviewed me last week while we rode his home made teeter-totter, and posted the transcript of the conversation on his website.

2. He owns and operates a human-powered laundry machine.

3. He is not really homeless. (I want this one in my obituary, too.)

As it happens, the human-powered laundry machine is by far more interesting than the conversation with me.

After the Teeter Talk, Dave took me on a tour of his basement and introduced me to the device... a stationary bike that spins a standard tub of laundry. This looked terribly inefficient to me, so I scribbled down a few computations to figure out whether switching to man-powered laundry washing was right for me.

The average rider at a continuous road speed of twelve miles per hour can produce 75 watts of energy. (1) The average washing machine uses about 1.24kWh of energy per cycle. (2)

That means that one would need to ride 16.5 hours at 12 miles/hour, which comes out to 198 miles per load. My last load had 23 items, if you count socks separately, which works out to 8.6 miles of riding per article of clothing. However, riding the equivalent of 198 miles in place would cause me to sweat through an average of three full outfits, which means I would need to wash fifteen additional articles (counting socks separately.) I would then be stuck riding an additional 129.1 miles to clean the clothes I soiled washing the first load, which, in turn, would result in two more stinky outfits. Following this logic out to its inevitable conclusion, I have determined that

I need to pedal a mere 228 miles per day to keep up with my current output of dirty clothes (assuming socks are counted separately.)

Human power can be harnessed for a number of applications other than deodorizing linens. Generators, presses, mills, drills, helicopters, ornithopters, submarines, and staplers can all be powered by the human foot. Here is a brief history of landmark pedal-power inventions.

1895 - The first mechanical device that operated solely on human power was the Barnes Velocipede Scroll Saw. "The ideal procedure for cleaving your sundries is by crank and treadle," boasted the catalog advertisement. Nineteenth century environmental activists (both of them) hailed the Barnes Velocipede as the ideal marriage of conservation and industry. Andrew Carnegie purchased 800 units for his Homestead plant, stating, "Wasteful coal-powered scrolling saws are for the pound-foolish. Contrariwise, [child labor] is an abundant, sustainable resource!"

 

1900 - Barnes followed up their first breakthrough with the Velociwrapper, a man-powered apparatus that could roll and unroll gigantic spools of toilet paper at alarming speeds.

 

1931 - One of the reparations outlined in the Treaty of Versailles was that German men would have to give to France all clothes they were not wearing at the time the treaty was signed. Left with a single outfit each, German designers introduced the first hand-powered laundry machine to preserve modesty. This ingenious device allowed a gentleman to submerge himself in the Danube and use pedal-power to wash his clothes without having to remove them.

 

1989 - We used to say, "Take only pictures, leave only footprints," but many environmental activists agree that this is too lenient. This pump-action skateboard was developed so that future habitats would not be spoiled by skaters pushing off on the ground with even one foot.

 
2006 - The B3 Bicycle Blender uses pedal-power to blend juice, grind coffee, and shred documents, while promoting conservation and celebrating active lifestyles. Sit back a little further, and you can make a healthy, life-affirming choice about energy conservation while removing pre-cancerous colon polyps.

 

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Reasonable Demands of the Messiah-God

Dear Friends,

   I recently did my will, and I basically used the standard form, with two exceptions. The first addendum was that I want my beneficiaries to give my Garbage Pail Kids to the poorest orphans they can find. The second is that I want my grandchildren to distribute a laminated pamphlet at my funeral, titled "The 250 Most Remarkable Failures of Zach London." I have already started working on the content of the pamphlet (with the help of my mother) and the graphic design of the pamphlet (with the help of my mother-in-law.)

   Failure # 20 was going to be, "His songs were completely devoid of educational value." Unfortunately, I now have to call my estate planner and have him add a little asterisk with a footnote that will read, "except in December of 2006." That is because the Hard Taco offering for this month is the culmination of several weeks of intensive historical research, entitled, "The First Three Wars." This compilation of brief songs is intended to supplement (or replace) the standard 11th grade American History curriculum. 

   It sounds trite to say, “I am not making this up.” However, in the case of what I am about to write, I feel compelled to say it anyway. 

   I am not making this up. 

   In truth, the facts I am about to tell you could not be any colder or harder.

   Somewhere in the Standish Federal Prison, a level V maximum correctional facility in mid-Michigan, amidst the 16-foot double chain link razor wire fences and five gun towers, lives a man named Chad Dekoven. Mr. Dekoven is serving a sentence for armed robbery of a Taco Bell. Did he rob the Taco Bell? Undoubtedly. Should I he be forced to serve his 20 year sentence? Mr. Dekoven believes that he should not, and the reason is quite simple. 

   He is the Messiah-God. 

   Chad Dekoven, 43, filed a formal complaint to the Michigan District court on April 26, 2001, naming among the defendants the United States, Great Britain, Israel, the Torah, and the publishing company Simon and Schuster.  He sought relief from these entities for wrongs committed against him, due to the failure of these defendants to acknowledge that the plaintiff's was the "Messiah-God" described in the Holy Bible.

   Mr. Dekoven claimed to have been known by over fifty other names throughout history, including Osiris, Ra, Yahweh, Lucifer, the Lamb, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Moses, The Creator, Allah, Satan, Zeus, Abraxas, Apollo, Hercules, Jupiter, Romulus and Remus, Dracula, The President, Job, Noah, Quetzalcoatl, Dionysus, and the holy name he chose for himself, Dakota Belzadok.

His complaint was 125-pages, mostly single-spaced, including over eighty pages of exhibits defending his allegation that he is the Messiah-God. Here is an excerpt: 

III. If the plaintiff can prove by scientific methods that he is the "Messiah," the "Anointed One," the "Alpha and Omega," "God in the Flesh," that the holy bible says was to come, then can any court in the United States or Great Britain, or Israel refuse to grant the plaintiff the relief he requests in this petition/complaint?

The relief that he sought was to be in the form of several political requests, including:

   a. Public acknowledgment by the state of Israel that the plaintiff is the King of the Jews.

   b. Issuance of a full pardon for plaintiff. (He explains that since he owns everything on Earth, he could not be guilty of robbing a Taco Bell.) Alternatively, immediate issuance of a parole, the full duration of which is not to exceed 60 seconds.

   c. Release from prison the killers of Yitzchak Rabin and a declaration of safe passage for Osama Bin Ladin.

   d. A public declaration that the defendant is also Allah and an immediate establishment of a state of peace and disarmament in the Middle East.

   e. A declaration that the founding fathers of America violated the Ten Commandments when they wrote the United States Constitution.

   f. A declaration that he is the rightful President of the United States. (This is based on the fact that his first name is “Chad,” so every vote cast in Florida’s presidential election was actually cast for him.)

Since some of these demands would have been moderately difficult for the Michigan District Court to grant, Mr. Dekoven offerred an alternative. He stateed that he would instead settle for:

   a. 600 million metric tons of .995 fine gold, 25 billion metric tons of refined steel, 50 million metric tons of refined copper, and 250 million metric tons of refined silver.

   b. 50 million metric tons of salt from the Detroit salt mines and 50 million metric tons of copper from Michigan's copper mines.

   c. 500 pairs of mature breeding lake trout, northern pike, small mouth and large mouth bass, perch, coho, brown trout, speckled trout, blue catfish, channel catfish, sturgeon, rock bass, bluegill, sunfish, and salmon.

   d. Five million breeding pairs of bison.

   e. 500 million mature breeding pairs of each species of crab and mollusk that inhabit the waters in the borders of the United States.

   f. 25,000 mature breeding pairs of every creature that exists in the State of Michigan.

   g. 45 million trees of various varieties at least 50 years old. 

   No mention was made of where these plants and animals should be delivered, stored, or kept, or how they would be cared for. 

   In his complaint, Mr. Devkoven explicitly invoked the provisions of several sources of authority upon which he based his claims, including the Holy Bible, the Magna Carta, the Mayflower Compact, the Declaration of Rights of 1765, the Declaration of Independence, the Articles of the Confederation, the United States Constitution, and the Michigan Constitution of 1963. 

   Unfortunately, District Judge David M. Lawson was not swayed by Mr. Dekoven’s scientific methods, which consisted of, “numerology, symbolic name analysis, and sheer repetitive assertion that he is the Messiah-God.”  

   Judge Lawson’s argument to dismiss the case was based on several key precedents. (See footnotes below).  If you wish to speak with the Judge about this decision, his office phone number is (313)234-2660. 

   Mr. Dekoven was ultimately frustrated by the verdict. Being the Messiah-God is taxing enough when you’re not imprisoned. He wrote, “The plaintiff has a million things to get done and every day, every second makes his job that much harder.”   

   Here’s my Andy Rooney-esque wrap-up. Frivolous lawsuits are a tremendous waste of resources, and if there was ever a case for tort reform, this would be it. My recommendation is that the State of Michigan adopt legislation limiting the number of breeding bison that can be awarded in a civil suit to, say, one hundred thousand. Measures should also be taken to insure that if a nation-state is sued for millions of trees, said nation-state should be allowed to forfeit trees of all ages. 

   Finally, and most importantly, Taco Bell needs to relax their security measures a little bit, and stop calling the cops every time God doesn’t feel like paying for a Chalupa.

Sincerely,

Zach

Precedents cited in Judge Lawson’s brief:

1. Grier v. Reagan, 1986 - plaintiff claimed she was God of the Universe and that President Reagan was spying on her using “an electronic eavesdropping device.” She sought items ranging from a size sixteen mink coat and diamond jewelry to a three bedroom home in the suburbs and a catered party at the Spectrum in Philadelphia.

2. Robinson v. Love, 1994 – A prisoner claimed that the prison staff members were holding plaintiff's relatives, friends, and neighbors hostage and that the plaintiff had been subjected to witchcraft. The judge dismissed the case, although he did note that it was “theoretically possible” that the plaintiff was right.