The first of our three U.K.-themed rooms was the Tower of London. At the top of the stairs there was a tower, the Crown Jewels, the decapitated heads of Henry VIII's wives, and ravens.
Welcome to the British Museum! This room was subdivided into four areas, each representing one of the world's regions from which sacred relics were were plundered.
The centerpiece of the Egypt section was a video about the history of the most famous artifact in the museum, the Rosetta Stone.
The long corridors inside the great pyramids are punctuated with ancient boobytraps and the occasional hungry crocodile. One of these deadly khopesh blades would swing at a 180° degree arc from the ceiling, while the other had the opposite trajectory from the floor. It seems they had been swinging perpetually and at predictable intervals for thousands of years. Our intrepid museum staff was forced to duck under one blade and leap over the other to proceed to the Pharoah’s tomb. Several museum staff were lost before we were able to master the timing of these maneuvers.
Stone with Hieroglyphs
This mysterious slab of stone was purloined from the tomb of Pharaoh Amenemhet III, whose reign began in 1817 B.C. The ancient Egyptian embalming technique was so advanced that Amenemhet III was still reading a newspaper and playing with his cat when museum staffers broke grabbed the slab. Amenemhet fought them for it, but he was over 3500 years old at that time, and the embalming fluid made his hands slippery. Upon inspection, the reason for his reticence to part with it is clear. The images clearly suggest that pharaohs of the Middle Kingdom were into tacos, doughnuts, and butt plugs.
The ancient Egyptians believed that by wrapping a body in hundreds of yards of linen, the deceased would be able to go door-to-door in the afterlife and implore homeowners for candy.
Hatshepsut the Magnanimous ruled during 3rd Dynasty and was known for his ambitious building projects. He was so forward-thinking that he started keeping his organs in jars several years before he died.
Sarcophagus Lid
We only had two guys that day, so we just filched the lid. This came the tomb of Senusret the Innovator. The pigments for this intricate detailing came from crushed eggshells, rendered beetles, clay, ash, and feathers. But we wanted to make a splash at Burning Man, so we added some fluorescent paint accents.
More Hieroglyphics
This appears to be a long and boring paragraph about things that will allegedly happen to whoever removes this from its resting place:
The sky will turn dark, the ground will tremble beneath your feet, and he will have a baby jackal for a head and eternal insomnia. Instantly he will be struck down with a mysterious illness that, upon closer inspection, will be carpal tunnel syndrome. He will suffer Bastet’s Vengeance and will be tormented by cats that wander in and out of the tomb. Uncontrollable fires will rage around the tomb, yet he will suffer Hathor's Torment and be forced to live in darkness for eternity in a swamp, wearing the headdress of a cow and a sun disk. His body slowly will petrify and putrefy, for this is the Retribution of Sekhmet's. He will be unable to speak lest a swarm of scarab beetles cascade eternally from his mouth. He will not be able to move or think. He will have uncontrollable hiccups, wander the desert without end, and be consumed by a swarm of viscous insects so put it back already.
Fan – Chinese Dragon
We took this hand-crafted fan from a small village in China. The villagers were heartbroken, but we were undeterred by their sadness, because this exquisite artifact belongs in a museum. Specifically, we need a really big fan to cool ourselves off during the muggy English summers.
Jade Horses
This priceless artifact dates to the Tang dynasty, a time known for prosperity, military expansion, and artistic achievement. Unlike other Chinese dynasties, Tang emperors were recognized for their openness to new ideas regarding religion, music, art, and even philosophy. They made culinary advances, as well, pioneering a powdered orange drink mix that future astronauts would have to pretend to enjoy.
Terracotta Warrior
Pilfered from Emperor Qinshihuang’s Mausoleum. The terracotta army is a form of funerary art, buried with the emperor in 210–209 BCE with the purpose of protecting him in his afterlife. We just took one small warrior, hoping he will be enough to protect our gift shop from shoplifters.
Buddha Sculpture
This bronze Buddha statue is not actually a representation of how Buddha was physically, but of his teachings, fortune, inner peace, and motivational factor for every human being. Modern Buddha sculptures usually depict him at a standing desk or office treadmill because sitting is the new smoking.
Japanese Puppets
The best part about stealing these puppets from the street vendors in Kyoto is that we can actually use the puppets to tell the story of the theft. It’s hilarious. The accents we use are so offensive!
Solid Gold Fu Dogs
They symbolize strength, superiority, and security, and protect the imperial palaces and tombs of the wealthy. In China, these guardian lions are simply called Shi, which is a combination of s, which means sentinel, and hi, which means lions.
Suit of Armor
This is a 15th century Italian relic, made of riveted steel plates and silver detailing. Impressively, this suit of armor can remain motionless for hours on end, as if it is staring at and appreciating the museum pieces displayed across from it. This is has been a fascinating sociology experiment. We have found that museum visitors are far more likely to pay attention to those dull pieces because they think someone else is interested.
Sophilos Vase
This vase is the most famous work of Sophilos, and Attic potter and vase painter. It depicts the tale of Triptolemus, who visited Psamathe the nereid in hopes that she might give him a tonic to cure him of his man-boobs.
Elgin Marbles
In the early 19th century, agents of Thomas Bruce, the 7th Earl of Elgin, looted this and many other sculptures from the Parthenon. Efforts to repatriate these artifacts to Greece have led to a parliamentary debate and two recent committee reports, “Finders Keepers Losers Weepers” and “Na-na, Na-Na, Boo-Boo.”
Miscellaneous Europe
The British Museum proudly plundered this stuff from all over, but we can’t keep up with cataloging all of it. If you know what any of this is, or just want to take some of it home and get it off our plate, please consider applying for our open archivist, docent, curator, conservator, or registrar positions.
American Headpiece
This ornate headpiece is a rare artifact of American nobility, crafted in the early 21stcentury. This exquisite hat is a timeless symbol of the wealth and power of the American aristocracy and is now a cherished artifact of a bygone era.
Dear Friends,
Because we are friends (see previous salutation), I have a gift for you in the form of a valuable life lesson in the form of a song. The song (see previous sentence) is called "Juice Ain't Worth the Squeeze," and it lays bare the harrowing cost of so-called hard work and quote-unquote success.
For years, I've been trying to admonish my children about this, but they keep getting pushed through the system anyway. But at least they're getting pushed through the system in a completely non-linear fashion. Here are all their First Day of School Pictures from 2015-2022.
Get a piece of tissue paper ready, because you are going to CRY or at least NEED TO BLOT YOUR LIPSTICK.
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2015 |
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2016 |
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2017 |
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2018 |
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2019 |
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Skipped school in 2020 to play board games in the kitchen. So proud! |
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2021 |
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2022 |
Dear Friends,
I fell short of some of my goals this year.
You know, I never returned that throw pillow that my great great grandfather stole from a temple in Bhutan, saddling all his descendants with a generational curse. I don't love that we are all doomed to be stricken with boils, but the pillow really ties in color accents in the living room. It also helps guests feel at ease in our home, because they know we are the kind of casual, folksy hosts who feel comfortable enough in their own skin to just throw a pillow onto the furniture.
An astute observer, however, would deduce that we are actually uncomfortable in our own skin, because everyone in my family for five generations has been cursed with boils.
Regardless, I will meet ONE of my goals this year, which was to design and publish four original neurology-themed board or card games. With the imminent release of "Endowed Chairs: Neurology," that objective is within reach!
Endowed Chairs is a quick two-player card game about the history of medicine, specifically the history of women in neurology and neuroscience! My collaborator on this project is Dr. Alison Christy, Vice Chair of the American Academy of Neurology History section, who is compiling biographies of each of the 12 luminaries featured in the game.
And of course, this month's Hard Taco song, "Endowed Chairs," is a celebration of those 12 luminaries and theme song of the game!
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At the time I’m writing this, there are still a few last-minute loose ends to tie up before you can buy your own copy. In the meantime, you can learn more about the game at www.endowedchairs.com. Come back soon for an instructional video, a buy link, and biographies of these remarkable women.
Dear Friends,
The Hard Taco song for October, "More to Say," is not a Mexican Metal song. You're thinking of "Muertese," which is pronounced the same, but means Die in Spanish.
Did anyone else take advantage of that offer where you get a free 6-month subscription to Disney Plus if you buy a new yacht? It seemed like a good deal, but five months later, I had barely turned on the TV because I was too busy yachting about! But now that the weather is cooling down and I've basically yachted my fill for one yacht season, I thought I would take advantage of that subscription and watch all the Pixar sequels in order. If any of you are in the same boat... get off my damn yacht! But if you are in the same boat metaphorically, here is a guide to those movies.
Toy Story 2 (1999) - Andy swears he left his toys in the chest, but he begins to grow suspicious when he comes home to find his mother bound and gagged in a cauldron of boiling water, with all of his toys encircling the pot as if they had just moments ago been dancing and chanting.
Toy Story 3 (2010) - By this point, Disney was sick of limiting their characters to classic or unbranded toys. So, they just said screw it and strung together clips of existing toys-themed movies: Transformers, My Little Pony, Trolls, Care Bears, Battleship, American Girls, Bratz, G.I. Joe, Rainbow Brite, and Strawberry Shortcake.
Cars 2 (2011) - Chief creative officer John Lasseter originally licensed the script for a movie called SARS, an action-comedy about anthropomorphized coronaviruses infecting respiratory epithelial cells and replicating exponentially. But when Chinese censors refused to release the feature in their market, Pixar eventually caved and changed the viruses to cars. Reportedly, Owen Wilson was shooting another film by this point and was unable to re-record his lines, but Lightning McQueen's offensive Chinese accent is never explained in the movie.
Monsters University (2013) - A few years after the events of Monsters Inc., the city of Monstropolis is stricken with a debilitating energy crisis. The scientists of Monsters University hypothesize that there may be more efficient methods to exploit human children than using their screams or laughter. Mike and Sully conduct clinical trials, attempting to harness the power of children's sneezes, farts, burps, and hiccups, but none are cost-effective. Finally, Boo discovers that the most economic method to generate electricity is a direct conduit to the human brainstem. The closing scene shows human children born in fetus fields and spending their lives in pods, suspended in artificial amniotic fluid, with their headjacks directly feeding into giant underground power plants. Throughout this montage, Randy Newman sings a Southern-accented Americana-influenced song called "We Gotta Work Together to Make this Work."
Finding Dory (2016) - After Finding Nemo, every spoiled brat wanted their parents to pony up hundreds of dollars to buy them a saltwater aquarium so they could have their own clownfish (Nemo) and a Blue Tang (Dory.) Things got even more expensive after this sequel was released, because those same kids now demanded an octopus (Hank), a beluga whale (Bailey), and a dentist.
Cars 3 (2017) - Sorry, I can't bring myself to watch this one.
Incredibles 2 (2018) - Originally called Frozone, this movie featured Mr. Incredible's bosom buddy Lucius Best skating around Metroville, immobilizing thugs with the vapor from his breath and the occasional frozen urine whip. Test audiences loved seeing a strong black super in a leading role, but Disney balked at the proposed title because it was too similar to another movie that was slated to be released the following year. If Pixar had their way, we wouldn't have had Incredibles 2 (2018) and Frozen 2 (2019), but Frozone (2018) and Thawed (2019).
Toy Story 4 (2019) - The only new toy that appeared in this franchise was a spork, so merchandising tie-in opportunities were relatively sparse. Pixar did their best to make up for the lost revenue with key product placements, including Buzz Lightyear's catchphrase, "To Infiniti... and Beyond Burger!"
Lightyear (2022) - After providing voice talents for 22 films, John Ratzenberger had a falling out with Pixar just before the filming of this Toy Story prequel. "It's not about the money," Ratzenberger said. "It's about respect. They don't pay me Joan Cusack money, they don't respect me. And ain't nobody can play [Hamm the Piggybank] as believably as me." Ratzenberger was correct. He was so convincing in the role, Pixar executives were eventually compelled to smash him to pieces with a hammer, and use the spare change that rolled out to hire his replacement.
With warmest regards,
Zach
Dear friends,
The Hard Taco song for September, “Lookupable,” is based on my recent browser search history. Every time a random thought or conversation sent me to Google, I put it into the song. As supplementary reading, the appendix at the bottom of this digest contains the answers to all of the questions posed in the song.
Nearly six years ago, we started working on Camelton, the heart-winning and award-warming spoofs of Hamilton songs. I've heard that many of your children grew up with these songs, laughing and molting along with Salamander Camelton, Aaron Bird, George Waspington, The Skylark Sisters, and the rest of their zoological pals.
But when Lin-Manuel Miranda started writing music for Pixar, the global obsession with Hamilton parodies began to wane. By 2021, your children were all clamoring for an Encanto spoof about all my favorite board games, “We Don’t Talk About Uno.” (Confession: nobody was clamoring for this, but if a single person actually asked me to do this, I probably would.)
But the Camelton playlist felt incomplete. There were too many loose ends! I needed to strut back into octagon one last time and try to give these characters some closure. It was time to launch the flagship of the Camelton flotilla, Naan-Stop.
We ran into every possible hiccup along the way… blackouts, lost mic cables, cast members losing their mojo, and unexpected controversy about the lyrics (are we allowed to call it Chicken Kiev now, or is it Chicken Kyiv?) But after about a year, it finally came together, and I'm proud to say this is the the longest, funniest, and most appetite-whetting Camelton song in the series:
I want to express my sincerest gratitude to all of the singers who have given life to all of this nonsense over the years. This has been so much fun, and I am incredibly grateful to be done with it forever now!
With warmest regards,
Zach
Appendix 1: Answers to all of the questions posed in “Lookupable.”
