Surf Rock USA

Dear Friends,

Do you have a crush on a cognitively-impaired girl, just because she's good at surfing? In other words, is the girl you long for a truly gifted surfer but basically retarded?

If so, the new Hard Taco song, "Surfin' Savant" is going to help you sort out your issues/feelings. It took a lot of unpleasant surgery for me to be able to sing four parts at once, so I hope you enjoy it.

Did you know that before hormones drove me into rock music (and herbal supplements drove me back into new age music), I had a brief career on the semi-pro surfing circuit? This picture of me is HUGELY EMBARASSING, but you have to take it in context... I was ten years old and the style in those days was for surfers to wear 4/5 length pants and flesh-colored knee pads.  I'm the second one from the bottom in the left column...

Nowadays, I only take my board out a few times a year, when I really need to unwind and completely CLEAR MY MIND. Paddling out to sea, the burdens of the daily grind evaporate, and troubles seem to vanish magically from my mind. I can't recall the boring details of my workday, or what I had for breakfast, or whether I took my pills that morning. I lose the ability to remember my address and who the president is. I forget what my sister looks like, and how to make Legos fit together. I have word-finding difficulties; I can't do dot-to-dots or figure out which side of the comb to push against my head.

Anyway, you may wish to brush up on surfer jargon before you download "Surfin' Savant." Let me get you started. Surfin' California surfer jargon for Surfing (the apostrophe replaces the G).  However, to Mexican surfers, SUR FIN means "South End," a popular surfing destination in South Carolina near Georgetown (which is called 'eorgetown in California, and Pueblo de Jorge in Mexico.) Keep practicing.

With warmest regards,

HT

Keep Smokey Out of your Britches

Dear Friends,

Break 27, put her up to 27, John. Cotton mouth Hand here, looking for a pit park with the motion lotion between Watermelon 500 and Dome Town. Taking my freight shaker here on the backslide at double nickel in the granny lane. Just pulled a dragonfly past the chicken coop when I got my doors blown off by a beaver bobtail taking the hammer lane at triple digits. She's out dropping alligators when I see her get shot in the back by a County Mounty at a bear trap two yardsticks South of Derby City. That's the Four-Roger. Keep your nose between the ditches and the Smokey out of your britches. All the good numbers, over.

If you're thinking, "What the #@&*!?" you're probably not a teamster. If you're thinking, "What the "@!&*#?" you're probably dyslexic and not a teamster. Either way, I sprayed you with a light volley of trucker jargon in order to get you keyed up for this month's experimental Hard Taco song, "King Trucker."

 

Who is the King Trucker?

The King Trucker is the guy that drives the truck that hauls other trucks. Usually there will be two or three tractor cabs stacked at an angle behind the front one. This truck is the undisputed paramount sovereign of the interstates. We may find the trucker caste system to be barbaric and misogynistic, but let's face it... it works. Here is the chain of command in common CB slang.

1. KING TRUCKER - supreme oligarch dictator-in-charge of truck power

2. Thermos - A gas or oil tanker

3. Double Quad - A truck that has 44 wheels instead of 18

4. Rolling Ranch – A cattle truck

5. Parking Lot – A car carrier

6. Ice Box – A refrigerated truck

7. Skateboard – A flatbed truck

8. Dry Box – A plain 18-wheeler with a boxy white trailer

9. Bobtail – A tractor with no trailer

10. Tard Box - A Short Truck. (According to trucker code, the driver is customarily retarded, and it is rude to make eye contact with him.)

You might not have a lot of respect for The Hand (as we truckers call each other), but trucks are an important part of our economy. The reason there is always highway construction is that trucks are much heavier than cars and cause the asphalt to crack. Someone has to put tar in those cracks, and that person often uses the money they earn to buy toy trucks, completing the cycle and keeping the market "bull-ish."

With Warmest Regards,

Zach

You Have Pet a Chicken 1 Times

Dear Friends,

This month's Hard Taco song, "Give Up the Kibble," is now available for download! Put 500 copies of it in your iPod shuffle and go for a nice long jog!

INVESTORS WANTED

Have you ever wanted to start a charitable foundation, but couldn't find a worthy cause? Would you like to see your name on a wall somewhere under categories like "Sponsor," "Patron," "Benefactor," or, "Supreme Beneficent Godfather of Philanthropy?" Well, you're in luck. As soon as I find someone to front the money (roughly $300) I am going to build the world's first and largest...

ONLINE PETTING ZOO!

The concept is so simple, it's amazing nobody has done it before. A webcam will be installed in a real petting zoo, allowing around-the-clock visuals of docile barnyard animals. The arrow icon will be replaced with an open hand, and when the mouse button is clicked, the hand will close its fingers in a gentle scritching motion. Much like animals at a real petting zoo, the online animals will not react to the contact in any way.



"Traditional" Petting Zoo

Contemporary Petting Zoo



THE BACK STORY

When I was six years old, I broke out in hives after my first (and last!) visit to a petting zoo. I'll never forget the day the doctors told my parents that I am allergic to sheep dander, and that I would never be able to go to another petting zoo again. 

As the years went by I became a troubled teenager, spiraling into a cycle of self-destructive behavior. I came this close to losing everything. Finally, when a court-appointed social worker badgered me into joining a support group, I learned that I am not alone. A lot of kids with farm-related allergies hurt themselves and the people they love as a way to fill the void left by the absence of petting zoos.

It has been a long and difficult journey back from the edge, but my burden is lightened by the knowledge that by building an online petting zoo, I have the ability to help others like me. I look forward to a day when everyone can enjoy the satisfaction of rubbing a goat behind the ears without getting watery eyes or itchy throat.

Plus, it's not just for asthmatics! Here are some other people who could benefit from an online petting zoo:

- Urban children and/or prisoners who do not have access to a traditional Bricks-and-Mortar Petting Zoo

- Farmhands who want to "practice their chops" after hours when they are back at the farmhouse.

- Children with no hands, who would otherwise not know how real livestock respond to human touch. (Note: The answer is that they don't respond, as mentioned above.)

- Australians. They don't have mammals in Australia, so most of their petting zoos are stocked with marsupials and kiwi birds.

- Shift-workers who only have the time to pet animals between the hours of 2am and 7am.

Sincerely,

HT

Lost in Translation

Dear Friends,

The new Hard Taco song, "O Lover, Drowned Lover" is now available for download!

Here is that same phrase in Spanish, courtesy of a free online translation service:

¡La canción Dura nueva del Taco, "Amante O, Amante Ahogado" está ahora disponible para la descarga!

Which, when translated into English, means:

The new Hard song of the Plug, "Lover OR, Lover Drowned" is now available for the discharge! 

Which, in French, is:

La nouvelle chanson Dure du Bouchon, « l'Amant OU, l'Amant A Noyé » est maintenant disponible pour la décharge!

Now back to English:

The new song Lasts Cork, « the lover OR, the lover Drowned » now available east for the disposal! 

To Portuguese:

A nova canção Dura a Cortiça, « o amante OU, o amante Afogou-se » leste agora disponível para a disposição!

Back to English:

To new Hard song the Cork, « the lover OR, the lover Drowned » you read now available for the arrangement! 

To Russian:

К новой Твердой(Трудной) песне Пробка, " любитель(возлюбленный) ИЛИ, любитель(возлюбленный) Тонул " Вы читает теперь доступный для договоренности! 

Back to English:

To a new Firm (Difficult) song the Fuse, " the fan(amateur) (beloved) OR, the fan(amateur) (beloved) Sank " you reads now accessible to the arrangement! 

To Italian:

A una Società nuova (Difficile) la canzone il Fusibile, " il ventilatore (il dilettante) (l'amato) O, il ventilatore (il dilettante) (l'amato) Ha Affondato " lei legge adesso accessibile alla disposizione!

Back to English, and IN CONCLUSION:

To a new Society (Difficult) the song the Fuse, " the fan (the delights) (loved it) OR, the fan (the delights) (loved it) Sank " she reads now accessible to the disposition! 

That's just the teaser. I have actually subjected ALL of the lyrics of this song to the same process of multiple translations. Check out both versions and let me know if you think I should re-record the vocals with the translated lyrics...

With Warmest Regards,

HT

A Tree Ring Circus

Dear Friends,

WHAT IS DENDROCHRONOLOGY?

Dendrochronology is the science of studying tree rings to learn about climate changes. A master chronology can be created by lining up pieces of wood from different eras. For instance, let's compare the rings of three trees using these pictures I scanned in.

o) ) ) ))  ) ) )) )  )                             Dead tree 1

     o))  ) ) )) )  ))  )    ) ))                 Dead tree 2

             o)) )  ))  )    ) ))  ) )) )         Living tree

Now we can make a master chronology that looks like this:

o) ) ) ))  ) ) )) )  ))  )    ) ))  ) )) )

Using this method, the bristlecone pine of the White Mountains has been traced back almost 9000 years continuously.

The most relevant use of this science is to date pieces of wood. For instance, scientists were able to prove that the log cabin in Hodgenville, KY that was supposedly Abraham Lincoln's birthplace wasn't actually built until the 1950's!

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

Yes, and even more startling was the analysis of the two wooden beams used to make Jesus' cross. Dendrochronologic dating demonstrated that the horizontal crossbar wasn't nailed on until almost 500 years later! This proves what many historians have suspected for years... Jesus was actually crucified on a single vertical log.

The ramifications of this discovery will have on Christian symbolism are significant. Pope Benedict XVI has wasted no time decrying the horizontal portion of the cross and is spearheading a movement to have all of the horizontal shafts removed from the world's crosses. In a recent address, the pontiff pleaded with the Catholic community at large to start by dismantling the horizontal portions of church crosses, and then work down to smaller crosses like wall-hangings and jewelry.

The Vatican has also demanded that thousands of paintings and stained glass windows be altered in accordance with this new evidence. Antonio Paolucci, a renowned art historian and curator of the Uffzi Art Museum in Florence, called this edict "an outrage" in a recent Washington Post interview. "Many of these works were painted by the great masters hundreds of years ago," he stated, "and to paint over them is most profane form of vandalism." He recommended instead that the collected works simply be thrown out.

As the final step of his plan, Benedict XVI plans to have the letter "t" replaced with the letter "l" in religious words like Christian and Vatican. For instance, Catholics will be called Calholics (except for Irish Catholics, who will continue to be called Alcoholics.) The Pope is expected to formally condemn the 90 degree angle later this week, and a delegation of Cardinals is convening to decide whether 180 degrees should inherit the tem "Right Angle."

The discovery has also shone light on another ancient controversy. Many theologians and historians believe that Christ may simply have had no arms, obviating the need for a horizontal crossbar. Support for this theory has been strengthened by the observation that many of Jesus' contemporaries, such as Venus de Milo, also suffered from armlessness. As it happens, the New Testament is filled with references to Jesus' legs, trunk, and head, but his arms are never mentioned. Furthermore, a traditionally-limbed person would most likely carry something up a hill in their arms, but Jesus suspiciously bore the cross on his back.

Finally, in light of these changes, vampires have grudgingly agreed to be repelled by a vertically held piece of wood.

The Hard Taco song for the month is called, "The Dancingest Boy in Town," and it is about a boy named Sacha who used to go to my summer camp. This song is an extended dance mix which means that it is about 1-2 minutes longer than it should be. The extra 60-120 seconds should be used for dancing or thinking about dancing.

With Warmest Regards,

Zach

The Secret Life of GERMS

Dear Friends,

White tigers, and to a lesser degree dinosaurs, are extremely popular on account of their rarity. Who would want to hang out and watch TV with a squirrel or a bat if they could watch the same TV but sit next to a white tiger? Prevalence and popularity are so inversely proportional, in fact, that the most common animal of all is probably the most ostracized. I'm speaking, of course, of the germ.

I'm not saying the germ doesn't deserve some of its notoriety, but it is probably the most misunderstood animal you'll ever meet. I have tried to keep an open mind, and learn about germs without being judgmental. It's been really eye-opening and helped me to appreciate the world as one big neighborhood rather than a series of single-family homes surrounded by water. Here are some facts about germs to help you feel like you're part of a neighborhood.

1. Germs are not ticklish.

2. The germ's favorite kind of Jell-o is called "agar", which is always circular and 1 cm deep. Unlike humans, germs do not like to suspend fruit cocktail in their Jell-o, so 1 cm is deep enough.

3. Liquid soap is very harmful to germs and should not be consumed unless you are positive you want nothing to do with germs.

4. The idealized germs rendered in science textbooks create an unrealistic physical ideal that fosters feelings of inadequacy among normal germs, who are not perfectly rod-shaped and don't have such evenly spaced cilia.

5. Germ Warfare was banned under the Geneva Protocol of 1925, but Germ Fanfare is generally felt to be rousing and inspirational.

6. If all of the germs in the world were lined up end to end, they would stretch to the moon and back six times. This many germs in a line would make for a very exciting game of "telephone."

7. If left unchecked, the germ that causes Senior-itis can cause full-blown Party Fever.

8. One time a germ was abducted from his parents as an infant and raised by people. Even though he didn't know the truth about his past, he recognized a lullaby that his mother used to sing him and it brought back all kinds of really deep memories.

9. Unlike germs, I AM very ticklish. If I ever need a pedicure, I would like to get an epidural beforehand.

10. Individual germs are good at both crimes and crimefighting, but their colonies are so large (>100,000) that the crime-doing and crimefighting germs tend to offset each other. Therefore, germs do not cause a net change in the total amount of crime that takes place.

11. Under the coverslip, germs look round and smooshy, but in their natural habitat, most germs are shaped like pyramids or shamrocks (or sometimes scissors.)

After a couple months of rocking you about the face and head, we're going to tone it down a little for the May Hard Taco song, which is called, "We All Die Young." If you are either too drunk to find your hands or simply nostalgic for your childhood accordion, this song will likely reduce you to tears.

 

Meanwhile, don't forget that back issues of the Hard Taco Digest are available for your enjoyment. I have entered into a multi-million dollar agreement with Google, whereby you can find old Hard Taco Digests by "Googling" any of these terms:

Crucified Goat-Demon, Giving Swirlies, Beating an Old Grocer, Christian Psychobilly, Turkish Levitra Substitute, Boobless Calculator Code, Tangible Pithiness, Surgically Darkened Armpits, Hemiparetic Nun, Fine Higgle, Chinese Pants-soiling, Fake Shredded Lettuce, Logbert, Enormous Calves.

With warmest regards,

Zach

My Mom's Poems Kick Your Mom's Poems' Asses

Dear Friends,

If you're not in rabbinic school, you may download the new Hard Taco song, "Dovetails" right now.

Today, I would like to pay tribute to one of the greatest bards of the modern era. She is one of the most prolific contemporary American poets, and yet she has never been published... until now. I speak, of course, of my mother, Roberta London. For years I have been haunting the auction houses, scouring garage sales, and scanning through endless reels of microfiche at the Library of Congress. At long last, I have acquired what I believe to be the largest anthology of Roberta London poems anywhere in the world. Now, for the first time ever, these poems have been published online, and they are available exclusively to readers of the Hard Taco Digest. Included are such great works as "You Put the Meaning in the 'F' Word: 'Friend'" and "To Spartacus Fartacus Upon the Occasion of His Recovery From Lumbar Laminectomy of Level 3/4 and 4/5." See here to enjoy this robust collection of long, elegant poems.

 

Speaking of things that are long and elegant, yet robust, I am totally obsessed with the Hummer Limousine! You may have seen these on the streets, but you might not realize that they are the most fearsome military apparatus on the planet.  The Hummer Limo can transport up to 22 armed soldiers over some of the world's the most rugged and uninviting terrain. It's the only stretch limousine with 9.1 inches of ground clearance, a 37.5 degree approach angle and the capacity to ford up to 24 inches of water! It also has 3 plasma screen TV's, a wet bar, a fireplace and a mirror ball. Most of them have been deployed to battle zones already, but there are a handful back in the states, and they are available to civilians for rental! Here are some common scenarios in which you may choose to rent a Hummer Limo:

1. It's prom night, but the school gym is being fumigated, so the dance has been moved 800 miles north into the heart of the Yukon tundra.

2. You need to transport a squad of green berets into enemy territory for a rescue mission, but you forgot to put them through basic training first. If only you could secure a vehicle that has an X-box so they can play HALO on their way to the mission...

3. A dozen of your most important clients just flew in from Japan, and they wired a message to your office saying that they want a "Disco Party in a Volcano." It might be a mistranslation, but do you really want to take chances with a two million dollar account?

The Hard Taco song for April is called "Dovetails." Those of you that are rabbinic students may now download it. I just wanted to make you guys wait to give everyone else a chance for once.

With Warmest Regards,

HT