I Can't Believe. It's Been 10 Years. You Look Fabulous.

Dear Friends,

If you love intrigue, but hate reggae, you'll have mixed feelings about the new Hard Taco song, "Bioluminescent Bear." Also, if you don't speak patua (Jamaican slang) you may want to contact Ziggy Marley and have him translate it for you. Of course, if I know Ziggy, he'll probably just yammer on about brotherhood, sexuality, and some inevitable uprising. I should warn you that these topics are only peripherally addressed by this song.

So I went to my college reunion last weekend. For 48 hours I smiled and nodded my way through a maze of awkward interactions with ugly old people who insisted that I looked familiar. I decided that if my classmates and I were able to obtain a few basic sound bites about each other (job, current home town, spouse, children, weight gain, level of alcohol consumption) there would be no reason to have reunions at all.

Thus, for the 1300 folks in the class of '97 who didn't come to the reunion, I think we should fill each other in on our career paths. I'll go first. Here are some of the things I told some of your classmates about myself last weekend:

1. I do software development. My product scans personalized license plate requests for dirty words and alternate spellings of dirty words. After five years of revisions, we have implemented version 1.0, which can identify and reject over 2000 permutations of the word ASS. If our funding holds up, we hope to completely eradicate CRAP and BULLCRAP by the end of 2008.

2. I am the vice president of decals for Over The Hill party supplies. We make chattering false teeth for people turning 30, fake urine-soaked underpants for people turning 40, bibs that say "Got Sagging Boobs?" for people turning 50, and for 60-year-olds, customized hearing aides that repeat the phrase "my wife's back is hairier than my head." Remember to ask for genuine Over the Hill products (NOT "Old Fart" products. That's the company my freshman roommate works for.)

3. I'm a toy designer for Tyco. Right now I'm working on the newest version of Torture-me-Elmo. When you touch it, it rolls back and forth on its back and shrieks, "Ahhh! You torture Elmo! Stop! Stop!"

4. I am a staff writer for Cosmopolitan. You probably have read either or both of my two monthly columns, "15 Try-Right-Now Sex Acts" and "Real Men: Top Three Naughtiest Rural Fantasies."

5. I am working on the vaccine for mule pox.

6. I am fat, bald, single, childless, unemployed and drunk, but at least I live in New York. Thank God.

7. Have you ever seen that pop-up ad where you are a kangaroo with boxing gloves, and if you punch out Osama Bin Laden, you win a free ring tone? I designed those gloves.

8. I do fund-raising for "Don't Go There", a non-profit aimed at fighting the battle against colon cancer research.

9. I work at the MIT optics lab. We use optics to see around corners (using prisms) or see through women's clothing. We only use these powers to help clients, and only clients who mean well. Furthermore, when our firm does see through women's clothing, we always acknowledge optics, rather than taking all the credit for ourselves.

10. I am a French consultant for shampoo companies. My first big break was in 2001, when I convinced Garnier Fructis to replace the English word "Shampoo" with the French word "Shampooing" on all of their bottles. Things have gone well, and I just signed a $12 million dollar contract with L'Oreal for the phrase "crème micro nutritifs d'enrichissement, avec le éclat et lisse des vitamines E et K," which means "fortifying nutritive microcreams, with the sheen/sleek of vitamins E and K."

Anyway, I would love to hear from the rest of you! Class of '97 rules! (Also: Class of '98 drools.)

With Warmest Regards,

Zach

Makin' Bacon and Namesakin'

Dear Friends, 

The Hard Taco song for May is called, "Girls are So Neat." Whether you agree with this assertion or not, I suggest you listen to the song so that you can assail me with the sort of dangerously honest feedback that burns as it heals.

Due to my role as inventor of the world’s trendiest band name, I often get asked, Hard Taco, what should I name my baby? Somehow, I inferred that by “baby” these people were referring to a Jewish Synth-Pop band they were forming. By time we smoothed out that miscommunication, there were dozens of children in my town named Shabbatica! 

When it comes to real human baby names, it’s simply a matter of asking yourself three fundamental questions.

Question 1. What year is it?

Question 2. Do I want to raise my child to be a bluesman? 

Question 3. Do I want to give my child a traditional Inuit name?

--------------

Question 1. What year is it?

A. 1915-1930

If it’s the Roaring Late Teens-Through-Twenties, you need to use the "fork-in-the-living-room method." In this model, the expectant mother blindfolds herself, spins around until she is dizzy, and hurls a fork as hard as she can. Whatever the fork sticks into becomes the baby's namesake. For instance, if the fork punctures the couch, the child should be Sophie. If it sticks into the plaster, the young lad should be called Wally. If it ricochets off the door jamb and falls idly onto the ground, the newborn will be christened Doris Florence. If the father-to-be gets excited and runs into the room to see what’s happening, you may very well end up calling the kid Junior. 

B. 1960-1971 

Welcome to parenthood, you beautiful earth mothers, you! To name your child, I recommend the "doobie-in-the-yard-method." Simply close your eyes and throw your beloved spleef out the living room window.  Then skip outside in slow motion while tossing your enormous hair around and see where it landed. Using this model, you will find the inspiration for far out names like Little Flower,Dreamy Seagull, Fern-Or-Maybe-Ivy, and occasionally Lost Doobie. 

C. 1995-2007

Are you “in the know”? If not, you may not be aware that everyone born in the last ten years is named after a large urban center. In fact, Babies 'R' Us has started stocking U.S. road atlases instead of baby name books.  Naming your newborn after a city has the same general effect as printing "the arrogant jackass of tomorrow" on their 6-9 month onesie. If you really want your child to be a condescending little prig, you need to look for inspiration as far below the Mason Dixon line as possible. By way of example, Charlotte and Alexandria are moderately conceited names, but Jackson, Savannah, Austin, Dallas, Galviston and Corpus Christi are downright cheeky. If you insist on using a Yankee name, I would avoid Madison, which has become trite, and go with St. Paul. 

D. 2050-3000

In the near future, parents will use the "phaeton-blaster-into-deep-space method." Expectant couples will jettison a Volkswagon Phaeton into the cosmos, tracking its trajectory using tiny computers and long division. They may have to wait thousands of years for the vehicle to crash into another astral body, but when it does, their children will get ass-kicking names likeSupernova, Globular Cluster, Oort Cloud and, if they're lucky, White Dwarf. 

--------------

Question 2. Do I want to raise my child to be a bluesman? 

If the answer is yes, you are in luck, because naming your child is as easy as opening up the dictionary and choosing a random entry. Unfortunately, this method only works if your last name is Johnson. For example, Ladybug Johnson, Hatchback Johnson, and Manslaughter Johnson would all connote busking prowess. If you insert the prefix "blind" before any of these, your child’s stock as a bluesman will increase logarithmically (inversely proportional to his or her stock as a marksman.) 

--------------

Question 3. Do I want my child to have a traditional Inuit name? 

There’s an old legend that Eskimos have over 200 words for snow, while we have only one. If you buy that, you've just stepped into a big gleaming pile of husky shit and lies. The Eskimo part is true, of course, but the English part couldn’t be more wrong. In fact, we have nine words for snow, including frost, sleet, ice, slush, flurry, glaciation, hail, and winteriness. Some would also include "freeze-cipitation," although you would have to agree to count everything I say out loud once as an English word.

Anyway, the truth is that that the Eskimos also have over 200 words for "Joe," any one of which could be an appropriate moniker for your infant. Here are a few of the most popular: 

Ataninnuaq (Joe at dawn) 

Timugkauyar (Joe that is crusted on the surface) 

Qekkeitsertok (Joe that is good for packing into into Joe-balls) 

Tukkarnit (Joe in the mouth of the lead dog) 

Uarralikitak (Joe that falls quickly) 

Kagojut (Joe that has been marked by wolves) 

Nappianartok (Ordinary Joe) 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Real Hot American Extreme Justice

Dear Friends, 

The April Hard Taco song, "Jupiter" is an homage to an actual Barnum and Bailey circus horse from the early part of the 20th century. Jupiter's act consisted of floating around the big top suspended from a large hydrogen-filled balloon. He was undoubtedly the first horse to accomplish this feat, and it is likely that he was also the last.

Booty call / Civic Duty Call 

I had the honor of sitting on my first jury last week. Anyone can be summoned for jury duty, of course, but they don't select just anybody to sit on the panel. Have you ever wondered if you have the grit to disburse real extreme justice? Let's find out. I'll give you the facts and you decide the verdict. 

Please note that none of the names have been changed, since all of this is now part of the public record. However, if any of the named parties prefer that I give them pseudonyms, please threaten me in some way, and I will be happy to change them.

The defendant, David Carden, was accused of driving while intoxicated.  On the evening of February 23rd, 2006, he met his accountant at Banfield's Bar and Grill to go over some back taxes. When their business concluded, the defendant consumed one "Jack and Coke", left the bar, and drove towards his brother's house on the north side of town. A couple of miles into the trip, he dropped a lit cigarette on the floor of his car. When he bent down to pick it up, he drove off the road and totaled his car. 

An experienced police officer arrived on the scene a few minutes later and ran the standard battery of sobriety tests. The defendant was able to successfully walk a straight line and stand on one foot counting backwards. However, when asked to say the alphabet (forwards, mind you), Mr. Carden got stuck at Q, and then skipped to W, X, Y, Z. He was brought back to the police station and given a formal Breathalyzer test (the "Datamaster 2000"), which he failed. 

If you're thinking, "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" you might have what it takes to be a U.S. Citizen. Nevertheless, I suggest you hear the rest of the evidence before lurching to conclusions like a total idiot. 

Galloping Through the W-2 

Jeffrey Strauss, the defense attorney, called only one witness besides the defendant himself. I can affirm that what follows is more or less a verbatim transcript, because I was taking notes. 

"The defense calls Robert Binang to the stand. This man is my client's accountant. However, I will have you know that this man goes by many other names." 

With that, Mr. Binang took the oath and sat in the witness chair. Mr. Strauss then launched into a series of questionably relevant questions. 

"Mr. Binang. Is it true that you also go by the name... FARM ANIMAL?" 

  "Yes, it's true." 

"And Mr. Binang, is not also true that some people call you... STALLION?" 

  "Yes, sir." 

"And finally, Mr. Binang, is it not true that most people at Banfield's know you simply as...PONY?" 

  "It's true." 

The rest of the examination made no reference to these monikers, whatsoever. I wasn't really paying close attention, though, because the mention of accounting reminded me that I had not yet filed my own taxes this year. Instead of dissecting the testimony, I just kept sizing up The Farm Animal, wondering how much he would charge per hour to go over my deductions. 

Seeing How it Goes  

The most remarkable moment of the trial came during the defense's closing arguments. Mr. Strauss walked back and forth in front of the jury,  insisting that the defendant's failure to properly recite the alphabet was not significant. Mr. Carden had, after all, passed the balance tests with flying colors, so he could not have been drunk. 

"I can't ask you to stand up and do these balance tests," Mr. Strauss told us, "but I invite you to say the alphabet and see how it goes." 

What? I looked around at my fellow jurors but no one else seemed to have caught that. Did he just ask us to say the alphabet... and see how it goes? Was he challenging us, the jury of this man's peers, to recite all 26 English letters in order, and determine for ourselves if this task constituted a reasonable measure of sobriety? 

Scratching Our Nails on the Chalkboard of Real Hot American Extreme Justice 

The jury reached a guilty verdict in under a minute. For the sake of appearances, we hung around in the jury room for another 10 minutes pretending that we were carefully delberating about the strengths of the Alphabet Defense. 

I have to say... I am convinced that if the defense attorney had come up with a memorable catch phrase, his client would still be free today. For future reference, Mr. Strauss, I suggest,"The alpha-bit... is some tough shit. You must acquit!" 

With warmest regards, 

Zach

Public Service Announcement Number One

Dear Friends,   

   The only thing I find more odious than the phrase "Old School" is the phrase "Kickin' it Old School." I can't legally condone violence against others for saying it, but if I ever utter the words, "Kickin' it Old School," please break a dinner plate over my face. 

  The Hard Taco song for this month, "Lay Down Paul Revere," is kicking it onlypartially old school. (OUCH! My nose is broken and I deserve it, which is what really hurts!) 

   While you're listening to it, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge, by genre, some of the hip & hop artists that have influenced me most in the last thirty days. 

Old School 
DJ Jazzy Dwight 
The Def Godfather 
Schoolly B 
Boogie La Funk
Steady Mack Mack 
Grandmaster Groove E. Dance 
Kool Terrance
 

New School 

Biggie Flow 
New Jack Twista 
$crapes 'n' Bruise$ 
Explicit A thru L  
Nasty Nutz Cop Raper 
Trillion Dollar Bill 

 

Parochial School 
MC Benevolence 
Rhythm-Method Man 
The Priesty Boys 

Montessori School 

DJ One Centimeter Wooden Cube 

Prep School 

Swettah Vest 
The Bloodline Gang 

Hogwartz School 

Dumble D 
The Playa-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named 

 

   This song is part of a rap opera I am working on called, "Public Service Announcement Number One," the theme song of which is entitled, "Glue Sniffing (Don't Do It.)" I want teenaged youth-persons to know that the rapper lifestyle is not all about spinning radiator grills and huffing glue off of underage girls' chests. Take it from someone who has learned some difficult lessons. Should children be seen and not heard? Maybe. Should glue be touched and not smelled? You better believe it, youth-persons.

   The glamorous people will disappear from your life as soon as the supply of Elmer's dries up (or simply dries.) You will get disabling carpal tunnel syndrome in your glue-stick-twisting hand. One day, you will wake up naked under a stall-table at a Burger King, surrounded by empty bottles of rubber cement and unable to feel your tongue or face.

   I want the rap community to encourage youth-persons to make healthy glue lifestyle choices. Fashioning balsa dinosaur skeletons is a healthy glue lifestyle choice. Writing "I Love You" on manila construction paper with dried macaroni is a healthy glue lifestyle choice. Covering a crappy wicker hand basket with seashells is a healthy glue lifestyle choice. These activities give you what I call "a natural glue high." Am I high on glue? You bet I am. I am high on glue naturally!

With warmest regards,

Zach

Didja Know / Doncha Know

Dear Friends, 

  If Billboard tracked the popularity of quirky French Murder Waltzes, Hard Taco would easily crack the top 20 with our new song, "Les Cavernes Perigord." Get ready to get your Le Freakon.

  For this month's Hard Taco Digest, I am presenting a charming new feature called, "Didja know? / Doncha know?" There's one DK/DK fact for every day of the month, so try to pace yourself.

Feb 1: Didja Know that if you lined up all the molecules in the human intestine side-by-side they would span the distance between two adjacent football fields Doncha Know? 

Feb 2. Didja Know that all of the salt in a 6 oz bag of popcorn could fill a bathtub the size of a mason jar in less time than it takes to fill a box of tissues with pennies Doncha Know? 

Feb 3. Didja Know that when they aired "I Love Lucy" in Japan, they renamed the show, "I will neglect a very popular problem" Doncha Know? 

Feb 4. Didja Know that Wilt Chamberlain reportedly consumed over 15,000 vitamin supplements? That averages out to nearly three vitamins a day since he was 14 years old Doncha Know! 

Feb 5. Didja Know that Nostradamus foresaw that the lower case letter "y" would be a ubiquitous prefix for popular websites and gadgets by the year 2010? He specifically mentions yBank, ySpools, and yYolk Doncha Know. 

Feb 6. Didja Know that Jeffrey Dahmer had a number of severe food allergies, including wheat, eggs, and most vegetables Doncha Know? 

Feb 7. Didja Know that the origin of the phrase "a feather in your cap?" It used to be customary to place a feather into one's cap in certain situations. The practice has been lost over time, but the phrase lives on, and is used in certain situations Doncha Know. 

Feb 8. Didja Know that there were actually 18 American flags planted on the moon? In this picture Neil Armstrong's caddy,  Buzz, is getting ready to lift one of them out of the ninth hole as Armstrong (not shown) prepares to attempt a 600-yard putt Doncha Know.

Feb 9. Didja Know that the dumbest criminal ever was a man in Pennsylvania who tried to hold up a grocery store, but his pants fell down around his ankles and he fell into a grocery cart that rolled into the parking lot and hit a passing police car Doncha Know?

Feb 10. Didja Know that the original basketball was made of burlap and stuffed with molasses Doncha Know?

Feb 11. Didja Know that I am sending several copies of this month's Hard Taco Digest to Bob Barker (price@www.cbs.com), Tori Spelling (favoriteletters@hotmail.com), and Danielle Steele mailto:awsomed@aol.com) Doncha Know? 

Feb 12. Didja Know that in the World Chess Championship, players are allowed to "take back" a poorly conceived move after their opponent’s next turn, so long as they say, "Oh shoot, I didn't see that Doncha Know." 

Feb 13. Didja Know that in Baton Rouge it is customary for a newly elected mayor to mount his opponent's right hand on a scepter and carry it with him to meetings Doncha Know? 

Feb 14. Didja Know that there are less than 3 Malaysian Ringitts to the Canadian Dollar today Doncha Know? 

Feb 15. Didja Know that the first article in the first issue of Reader's Digest was entitled, “Terrifying Stories of People who were Eaten by Man-Eating Sharks and Lived to Tell About it” Doncha Know? 

Feb 16. Didja Know that television actor Skeletor was actually born Rueben Morris Klinenburg Doncha Know?

Feb 17. Didja Know that an ant can carry 100 times it's body weight and a hummingbird can eat 50 times it's body weight, but you (a human) are already fat Doncha Know?

Feb 18. Didja Know that a woman in Europe bought a new car that had accidentally been filled with spider eggs by the manufacturer? Before the woman realized this, she had already driven over fifty miles and the spiders had all hatched and eaten her Doncha Know. 

Feb 19. Didja Know that in England, men point their umbrellas forwards instead of holding them upright or leaning them on their shoulders Doncha Know?

Feb 20. Didja Know that "The Far Side" was turned down for syndication over 100 times? Gary Larson noted that his success came later, when he stopped submitting as a sample an uncaptioned drawing of a gorilla masturbating Doncha Know. 

Feb 21. Didja Know that the term "Dude" was derived from "Yankee Doodle Dandy" Doncha Know? 

Feb 22. Didja Know that the world's oldest calendar is a bone with notches in it, dating back to 15,000 BC Doncha Know?

Feb 23. Didja Know that the world's second oldest calendar is a bone with notches in it and twelve pictures of adorable baby mammoths Doncha Know?

Feb 24. Didja Know that the Volkswagon Microbus is named after the Pygmy Mouse Lemur (Microbus myoxinus) whose shape and unsettling rattle the minivan emulate Doncha Know?

Feb 25. Didja Know that there was a controversial episode of Rainbow Brite that was never aired? In the episode, "Starlite Star Sprite", Murky and Lurky use the Super Gloom Machine to cause sadness all over Rainbowland and steal all of the Star Sprinkles and Color CrystalsDoncha Know. 

Feb 26. Didja Know that Evelyn Pierrepont was the only Duke of Kingston-upon-Hull to be appointed as Master of the Staghounds Doncha Know?

Feb 27. Didja Know that there are the same number of volcanoes in Pakistan (5) as there are planets in our solar system that are thought not to exist Doncha Know?

Feb 28. Didja Know that Starbucks Coffee uses over 40% of the steam imported into America Doncha Know? 

Sincerely,

Zach