Natalie Portman's Toes

Dear Friends,

Spotify undermined my creative process this month. 

Everything was going fine until we built The Dood Ranch, our dog-themed Fortress Party room. Scarlett was in charge of music, and she dutifully put together a playlist of bittersweet country songs about dogs, which we played on repeat throughout the party. That was enough to convince Spotify that I'm obsessed with this music and I never want to hear anything else. Since then, no matter what music I request, pivots and reverts to twangy dog anthems.

To make matters even more maddening, those songs weaseled their way into my subconscious. As you may have guessed, the new Hard Taco song, "The Pound," is a bittersweet country song about dogs.

The Elusive Portmantrois

A portmanteau is a word that blends the sounds and meanings of two others. The word labradoodle is a portmanteau of Labrador and Poodle. The Labra comes from Labrador and... sorry, I think I'm mansplaining!

Which is also a portmanteau. See what I did there?

In this month's digest, we will introduce the concept of the PORTMANTROIS (Port-man-TWAH). This is a lexical blend of three words that is, itself, a portmanteau of the word portmanteau and the French number trois. Sorry, mansplaining again. 

Hangri-La

Hangry (Hungry + Angry) + Shangri-La

An earthly paradise for people who get cranky while waiting for the ambrosia of the gods to be served. 

Guesstimitzvah

Guesstimate (Guess + Estimate) + Bar Mitzvah

A celebration where an individual is deemed to have reached Jewish adulthood based on an approximate and uninformed estimation of their age.

Glampede

Glamping (Glamour + Camping) + Stampede.

When tourists trample each other trying to secure the nicest yurt. 

Frenemigo

Frenemy (Friend + Enemy) + Amigo

A person who is 2/3 friend, 1/3 enemy

Chillaxative

Chillax (Chill + Relax) + Laxative

An exclamation used by surfers when they want someone to kick back and have a prune.

Bennifurnace

Bennifer (Ben Affleck + Jennifer Lopez) + Furnace

An incinerator where one tearfully burns memorabilia and tabloid clippings about their favorite celebrity ex-couple.

Romcomnivore 

Romcom (Romantic + Comedy) + Omnivore

A person who enjoys both "Love, Actually" and "Mamma Mia" even though they are totally different subgenres. 

Mocktailgate

Mocktail (Mock + Cocktail) + Tailgate

An outdoor social gathering where people "pre-game" on virgin daiquiris.

Mansplanetarium 

Mansplain (Man + Explain) + Planetarium

A dark room with a dome-shaped ceiling where you can lean over and tell women how to distinguish satellites from stars based on whether they are moving.

Bromancestor 

Bromance (Bro + Romance) + Ancestor

A forebear who shared a close, but completely platonic friendship with another man.

Jazzerseismograph 

Jazzercise (Jazz + Exercise) + Seismograph

An instrument used to record the motions of the Earth caused by synchronous high knee jogs and mambos. 

Volleybollywood 

Bollywood (Bombay + Hollywood) + Volleyball

A high energy, theatrical beach sport with prolonged and completely senseless musical interludes.

Ligerbil

Liger (Lion + Tiger) + Gerbil

A liger will only breed with a gerbil in captivity, and even then, it has to be pretty desperate. 

Alcoholic

Alka-Seltzer + Shopaholic + Chocoholic + Workaholic

A treatment for indigestion, taken after a day of overindulging on Chocohol, Shopahol, and Workahol.

Motelethong 

Motel (Motor + Hotel) + Telethon (Television + Marathon) + Thong

An event, held at a roadside inn, to raise money in the fight against visible panty lines. This is the only five-part portmanteau in English.

Kraftfahrzeughaftpflichtversicherungspolice

(Kraft + Fahrzeug + Haftpflicht + Versicherung + Police) 

A motor vehicle liability insurance policy. This is one of many five-part portmanteaus in German. In fact, they have been known to go as high as six...

Schadenfreudebratwurstkartoffelsalatfestzeltsitzplatzmangel

(Schadenfreude + Bratwurst + Kartoffel + Salat + Festzelt + Sitzplatzmangel)

The feeling of enjoying the misfortune of latecomers when the Oktoberfest beer tent is out of brats, potato salad, and seating. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Fortress Party 2024 Retrospective

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for January is called, "Steam Age Mutant Ninja Turtles." Enjoy both the song and accompanying video.

The song was created as a bit for a Fortress Party '24 room by the same name. Here is your annual Fortress Party Walk Through Video!

Here's the room-by-room recap:

• TED Talks
• Back to the Future / Fractured 1995
• National Treasure
• U.P. Yours
• 20,000 Leagues Under the Cecum
• The Dood Ranch
• Fake Moon Landing
• Steam Age Mutant Ninja Turtles 
• Wheel of Fortin'
• Where Did You Get Your Incan Done?

We had custom 30th Anniversary Shirts made this year, complete with a new logo and our catchphrase, "No nerds, please." Here are some shots of guests (and one random guy in Washington state) who wore their shirts the night of the party.

Finally, and unrelated to Fortress Party or Hard Taco, I'd like to close with a concise retrospective of the prior year. Here goes: 

2024 was a sad year for people who loved James Earls.

With warmest regards,

Zach

Fortress Party 2024 - Where Did You Get Your Incan Done?

Welcome to "Where Did You Get Your Incan Done," the Machu Picchu tattoo parlor.

Once inside (which required crawling), some Incans were tattooing each other. The standing figure was actually holding a functioning (and plugged in) tattoo gun. It's amazing how inexpensive they are! The original plan was to have that out on the table and let guests practice tattooing on fake skins, but eventually I remembered that there might be idiots at the party, and put the device out of reach. 

There were fake tattoos with the word word "Fort" or "Fortress" that were actually available. Many of these were on faces, necks, and lower backs by the end of the evening. 

But most of the Incan-themed tattoo suggestions were for display and inspiration only.  

Fortress Party 2024 - Wheel of Fortin'

Having a functioning Wheel of Fortune game in our basement was a crowning achievement of several Fortress Party Steering committee members working together. Sean Murphy made the wheel and the score displays, Andy Slocum wrote the code for the game, and Nate Kurcz built the podiums. The puzzles were all Fortress Party room themes of bygone years or Fortress Stickers. 

Fortress Party 2024 - Steam Age Mutant Ninja Turtles

This picture tells the whole story. We have Splinter, Raphael, and Leonardo, all dressed in steam punk accessories. Even the pizza boxes have little gears and clock parts.

The adjoining room was a bar, where turtle bartenders (here played by Scarlett) served drinks called Sai Fi, Shred Zeppelin, and The Secret of the Ooze.

And here, once again are the Steam Age Mutant Ninja Turtles videos. This is probably the most labor-intensive Fortress task for me this year.  At the party, a button push would get you one of the eight verses. 

Fortress Party 2024 - The Fake Moon Landing

The "Moon Landing" was actually filmed in an MGM soundstage. Here's the proof.

I need to take a moment to celbrate this lunar rover. Steve "Skippy" Hankes built this from foam, PVC, and a toy umbrella. I overheard him telling an admirer that it took him about 100 hours of labor, and I believe it.

My contribution to this was adding a canister of Tang to the front bumper. 

The room wouldn't be complete without the director (voiced by Malcolm) barking orders at the astronauts and crew. 

Fake Moon Landing Audio

Here is the script of that audio clip: 

Neil. You’re a small town boy from Ohio. Give me curiosity. Give me wonder. Give me, “I can’t believe we pulled this shit off.” You’re not just an astronaut, you’re a poet. A brave, cool poet with a whole bathroom in his pants.

What? Okay, listen, I just got word that Soviets are trying to scoop us. As we speak, they are in a soundstage with three cosmonauts and a grizzly bear planting the Soviet Flag on Pluto. They are planting the grizzly bear on Pluto in the name of U.S.S.R. We got to pick up the pace, people. 

And… action! Neil, slower steps—think majestic, like you’re walking on air. Because you air. Okay, you're bouncing a bit too much! Dial it back—this is not a trampoline park. 

Where’s LInda? Lose the 'Caution: Low Gravity' sign. People will just get it. I don’t pay you to think. Just do it. 

I know the square Earth backdrop is more believable, but this is a movie, people. It’s fantasy. We want Joe Public to suspend his disbelief and imagine the Earth is round. Yes, and that it rotates clockwise. 

Wardrobe! Let’s lose the sequins. The last thing we want is for people to watch this and invent disco. 

Okay, Neil, you’re a humble astronaut. More majestic footprints. Less pelvic thrusting. 

Remember, if anyone asks, this is a training simulation. Keep your NDA in your pocket at all times, people. Even if you’re buying coffee. And I don’t want to see any NASA badges in the trash when you leave. 

What? No. No! You don’t get to take your helmet off and eat the freeze dried ice cream during a take. Jesus, man. I don’t care if you’re LOUIS Armstrong. The helmet stays on.   

Michael, for the last time, you’re the guy stuck in the ship—no screen time for you. SAG-AFTRA rules, buddy. You’re listed as 'Non-speaking Supporting Astronaut #3,' so stop trying to ad-lib from the command module! No, Mike, no. Yelling ‘Can you see me from there?!’ out the window does not count as a speaking role. (To assistant) If Collins sneaks out of that module again, someone shove him back in—he’s background talent, not principal!

The Pentagon wants this footage to scream ‘America is #1,’ so get me more flags on set. More. Flags. Make them billowier. In fact, it would help if you two literally screamed “America is #1” during your moonwalk. 

Okay, let’s sweep up the footprints and let’s get another take. This needs to look so good Khrushchev spits out his vodka when he sees it.

The line is “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Why do you keep saying “mannequin-kind?”

We’ve got to wrap this up, we’re filming Woodstock in the next soundstage on Saturday, and that Hamburger Hill Vietnam footage next week. 

I’ve just gotten word that President Nixon wants us to do some outtakes that we can send to the Soviets, where both of you are flipping off the camera and grabbing your junk. 

Good, good! Now Buzz, don’t look right at the camera here. Now look at the camera. No, don’t. Stop looking at the camera! Okay, now look at the camera. And wave. Make it look accidental. I’m on the moon, and I accidentally waved. Okay, now with purpose. Good, and… cut.

You’re calm, you’re confident. Be those things, but there’s that little sparkle of disbelief in your eyes. You’re a pioneer—but relatable. I want every kid in America to look at you and think, “I wish I was wearing a condom catheter and low gravity fecal containment unit like Neil Armstrong” 

Marv, we’ve got one shot at faking history, and right now you are failing at faking sand. We’re in LA. You can’t trip over your own nuts without finding a mouthful of sand. What am I talking about? What are YOU talking about? Sprinkle more S-A-N-D, and then you’re fired. First the sand, then get out of my soundstage and never work in Hollywood again. But before you go, tell Dottie her stupid stars look like a grid. Scatter them more randomly. 

I want more wires on the rover. But hide them. More hidden wires. I don’t want anyone to see them, but everyone to know they are there, and be impressed with how many wires this thing needs. 

 

Fortress Party 2024 - The Dood Ranch

Ozo the labradoodle was born in 2020, and attended the Londons-only Fortress Party that year. But in subsequent years, he stayed at our local kennel for the days before and after the party. But this year, we decided to make a room for him and his cousins. The DOOD ranch. 

 

Ozo was joined by his friends Charlie (Mekler) and Peanut (Shtein) in this Western-themed room. They all got lots of love that night.

Did they love the attention and cuddles from strangers? Well, they are dogs. What do you think?