College Common App Essay

Dear Friends,

This month’s Hard Taco song, “Fine Fine,” is a reimagining of our first date, though we changed all the circumstances and emotions of that encounter because reality was too embarrassing.

Speaking of revisionist history, I'm trying to help my son craft a winning Common App college essay. I know, I know... I shouldn't just write it for him. I should make him look up and replace a few of the adjectives with parent-approved synonyms. But this essay is such a winner, I can't, in good conscience, let him apply to college with even a single word changed.

From Puddles to Pillars: Six Legs, One Dream

When I was five, I rescued a ladybug from drowning in a vast puddle. That was the moment I realized I wanted to make the world a better place overall.

My mission trip to Mexico verified that this was not just a dream, but a passion, which the Oxford English Dictionary defines as “a strong and barely controllable emotion.” The diverse people I met in Cancun were among the poorest on earth. Many of them were elderly or injury-prone, but they were rich in other ways: culturally, spiritually, and in wisdom. I was part of a team that was instrumental in planning where to build a new well. Though our trip ended before we broke ground, we laid the PowerPoint foundations for a struggling community to acquire the freshest water that they had ever tasted. More importantly, we built bridges between two great cultures; Our lasting success could not be measured in pesos, not in cases of giardia prevented, but in smiles per hour. I write “we” instead of “I” because teamwork is instrumental to everything I value in my life. Or should I say, everything WE value in my life. 

Regardless, I will never forget how the proud people of Cancun accepted me as one of their own after only one transformative week. Ahora soy cancunense. They taught me more about inclusion and resilience than any textbook ever could. 

I was already primed for that lesson, because throughout my life, I faced more adversity than anyone can imagine, and found that each challenge made me stronger. In fifth grade, I twisted my ankle mere days before the biggest soccer game of my life. My parents’ jaws dropped in terror when the doctor gave us the news: it was a high ankle sprain, the kind that would leave me languishing on crutches for up to three straight weeks. I thought this was the end, but it was just the beginning. I was broken, but through resilience, I rebuilt myself stronger than ever. The next season, I was back on the field and had more assists than even I dreamed possible. 

Speaking of dreams, I live in a diverse, multicultural world made possible by the dream of one great woman. My grandmother was a Polish immigrant, who gave up everything to move across three oceans and start a new life. (She did not come the fastest way.) It is through her recipes that I discovered who I really am. At grandma’s house, I eat pierogi. At school, I eat pizza. I am both, but neither. The Oxford English dictionary defines “balance” as “an even distribution of weight,” and that is how I feel about this culinary duality. With my left foot, I put half my weight on my love of pierogi, which represent the strange and pungent traditions of my forebears, infused with love and wisdom. With my right foot, I plant the other half of my weight firmly on pizza, representing my open-mindedness about the world of today. With this balance, I heartily treasure modern elements like the latest video games without losing my connection to those who came before me and paved the road with sweat and scabs so my sister and I could have chances they always lacked. 

The last feature I think about when I consider my journey is how much I value originality. I don’t just think outside the box… I think outside the building where the box is stored. in fact, I don’t even acknowledge the box in the first place. When presented with a problem, I just approach it with intense creativity and turn the problem into an opportunity or even an asset. Examples available upon request. 

Sometimes, when I lie awake at night, I think back to that fateful afternoon when the other kids were playing tag, but I was rescuing a struggling ladybug from a puddle. How did it feel when I placed it gently on a nearby leaf? I guess I’ll never know, because the highest form of service is to not expect gratitude, or even wonder about it. But just as a ladybug has six legs, I have a strong foundation on the six pillars that hold me up: passion, service, resilience, balance, pierogi, and originality.

Since Sliced Bread

Dear Friends,

The new Hard Taco song is called, "Apology Not Accepted," and it's the first thing since sliced bread. That's right, it's not the best thing since sliced bread, but the first thing. 

Think about it. Pre-sliced bread was first sold on July 7, 1928 in Chillicothe, Missouri by Otto Frederick Rohwedder. In the intervening century, there have been no events. Not a single remarkable or unremarkable development. No inventions. No cultural milestones. Just... static. A quiet holding pattern. 

Saying that something is the best thing since sliced bread would imply that there was some sort of continuum. Other occurrences, notable or otherwise. But there weren't. Sliced bread was the last recorded entry in the Book of Time. Everything since then was merely narrative scaffolding. The simulation keeping itself busy waiting for this song to drop.

Ask yourself... do you have one meaningful memory of something that transpired between 1928 and today? The Titanic sinking? Charles Lindberg? Gatsby? Sorry, all of those happened before sliced bread. What about Dead and Company's multi-day concert series at Golden Gate Park? Nope, that's happening tonight, long after the release of this song. 

If you're drawing a blank it's because the last 97 years have just been background buffering, and now the download is complete. 

From the first note, the illusion shatters and calendars realign. People blink in confusion and say, "This reminds me of nothing, because I have never experienced anything in my lifetime." For the first time since Otto Rohwedder cut bread into 20-24 uniform slices, humanity is once again fully here. History is continuing. 

To be clear: I'm not saying that this song is better than sliced bread. That would be silly. Sliced bread is accessible, desirable, and deliciously homogenous. Its invention created a milestone of convenience and a symbol of modern consumerism. It liberated humans form the tyranny of tearing at glutenous loaves with their fingernails and the curse of jagged, homemade knife jobs. Evenly sliced bread was a miracle; this Hard Taco song doesn't even belong in the same conversation. Except in reference to it being the only other thing that has ever happened.

Today is not a step forward. It is the reactivation of reality itself. So welcome back to time, everyone. Now then, where were we?

With warmest regards,

Zach

Learn to Play! Piano

Dear Friends,

Rejoice! This month's Hard Taco offering is a fully self-guided song cycle for beginner pianists: "Learn to Play! Piano with Bremlov Stremsky Vol. 2." 

It features fifteen blessedly short songs, and I've compiled the sheet music into THIS BOOKLET, which is free to download. 

I've already let go of my dream of One Direction covering a Hard Taco song instead of the National Anthem at a professional soccer game. But this project gives me a new, humbler dream: That a human child could one day play a piano piece I wrote at a recital in their teacher's basement. If that happens, I will be happy forever. In fact, even imagining this possibility might be enough to make me happy forever.

Bremlov Stremsky Volume 2 is a sequel to a similar song cycle that I cobbled together many moons ago, back when I was a college freshman.  

Aside: I don't just mean many lunar cycles ago. I mean that since I started college, multiple protoplanetary disks have been captured by Earth's gravity and congealed from the surrounding gas and dust into nascent moons. Many of them.

The year was 19-Something, and I was sitting around with my roommate. Let's call him Josh. We were reminiscing about childhood piano lessons with some other riffraff who lived in our dorm. For the sake of simplicity, let's also call them Josh. Someone mentioned how beginner piano books often included lyrics. And that's when I knew: The Lord's plan for my month was to write and record a collection of half-original, half plagiarized piano/vocal duets, Bremlov Stremsky's Piano Lessons Volume 1! 

Okay, that's a really boring origin story. But you're going to love this part. Some of the lyrics for Bremlov Volume 1 were a bit... horribly problematic. But I think it's important to acknowledge growth. Bremlov Volume 2 doesn't include the word "Injuns." Yikes. Volume 2 was recorded with a real piano. And perhaps most importantly, Volume 2 does not directly rip off relatively unknown artists like J.S. Bach. (I told you, Volume 1 was many many moons ago.)

Some things, however, haven't changed. One of the original collaborators (let's call him Josh) was able to travel to Ann Arbor to lend his vocals ot the new tracks. And he sounds exactly like he did when he was 18, but without the "Hey ladies, I'm in an a smarmy cappella group so blah blah blah" attitude. 

Now print out that booklet, and get that kid in your life ready for his/her recital!

With warmest regards,

Zach

What Does Your Car Say About You

Dear Friends,

I was invited to compose theme music for an up-and-coming (and also upcoming) child neurology podcast by Ali Christy and Sam MacKenzie. The podcast, soon to be available wherever podcasts are available, is called Immature Brains: Something Something. (I don't remember what goes after the colon.) But the Hard Taco song for June is simply called, "Immature Brains," and it is available here. And whenever, whyever, and wherever podcasts are available. 

I'm not a car guy. I admit that I like to picture Henry Ford walking the factory floor at his Highland Park plant, shouting, "Avengers, Assemble!" to his most vindictive employees. And to his less vengeful employees, simply yelling, "Assemble!"

But that's about the only time I think about cars. Perhaps I'm not a car guy because I wasn't raised to be a car guy. Allegedly, my dad spent his childhood learning to spot the differences between the tail fins of the 1956 Chevrolet Velvetaire Sassafras Edition and the 1956 Chevrolet Velvetaire Couch-liner Edition. But once he got married and had kids, he forsook dreams of trim levels for more practical concerns. 

As proof, I shall now list all of cars that my family owned during my childhood: Very Rusty Jeep, Very Rusty Jeep with Plow, Tiny Subaru, Plymouth Acclaim, Dodge Spirit (also known as Plymouth Acclaim), Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra, Plymouth Reliant Stick Shift Station Wagon, Oldsmobile Delta 88, Plymouth Grand Caravan. 

The car you drive tells a story about you, and our story is simply this: The Tiny Subarus of 1981 were so overwhelmingly powerful and sexy the Londons briefly suspended their commitment to buy American. 

I'm not a car guy, but I'm pretty perceptive about who people judge each other. So here's my take on what today's cars say about their owners.

Toyota Corolla: I once listened to a podcast about Roman aqueducts and won't shut up about it.  

Hyundai Accent: I like to cosplay as a timid squirrel clearing its throat. 

Kia Soul: I bring "adequate toaster" energy to all my relationships. 

Mazda CX-5: This Zoom-Zoom meeting could have been an email. 

Nissan Sentra: My animal spirit is a bland one-page spreadsheet in which every cell has the word "meh." 

Toyota RAV4: I'm afraid Bluetooth pairing keeps failing because I am unloveable and destined to be alone.  

Subaru Outback: I own both a small tent and a medium tent and have never used either. 

Honda Accord: I make my car listen to NPR all night while I'm asleep in bed. 

Ford Escape: I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22 MPG.

Ford F-150: My band is playing a two-night engagement at Firekeeper's Casino, June 7-8.

Buick Encore: Under my skin, I am throw pillows and oat milk.

Audi Q5: I flash my brights to assert dominance over elementary school crossing guards.   

Volvo XC90 - To prove how much I love my children, I keep them in 12-point harnesses and pack their orifices with Styrofoam peanuts.

Bentley Continental GT - My water bottle is made of 400-year-old walnut that was knighted by Queen Victoria.  

Tesla Cybertruck - (I'm drawing a blank. This must be the most neutral of all vehicles, because I have no opinions whatsoever about the drivers.)

With warmest regards,

Zach

Super Mario 64 - Unreleased Levels Walkthrough

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for May is called, "Look Busy." If I had to describe this song in just one word, I would choose punchy, upbeat, catchy, poignant, melodic, gripping, lush, gritty, heartfelt, playful, hypnotic, edgy, slick, or haunting. 

The 30th Anniversary Edition of Super Mario 64, the iconic Nintendo game, is due to drop in the coming months. Nintendo has promised that the launch will feature a trove of from-the-vault content --- previously unreleased levels and region-specific missions that never saw global distribution. Here is a walkthrough of some of those long-shelved adventures, none of which was considered problematic in 1996.

Peach's Fat Camp

Ground-pound the Weigh-in Scale to trigger the gate to the dining hall. The way forward ia blocked by hungry Fat Toadettes who will try to eat you. Pick up Bob-onbons and press B to throw them to the far side of the room. The Toadettes will race towards the candy, clearing your way to the stairwell. None of the Toadettes will attempt to follow you up the stairs, because they are too fat.

At the top, there is a boss battle face off against the boss, Fat Peach, who will angrily insist that the Lakitu Cam adds 10 pounds. Punch her in the face every time she stops nagging you long enough to take a breath. Once you have blackened both of her eyes, she will vomit up a stream of intact deserts, along with a Power Star. Having done so, she will return to her normal size and sweet demeanor. Collect the Power Star, at which point Mario will inexplicably exclaim, "Better than a-Peach's cooking, am I right?" 

Repressy Ruins

Start in a parked car outside the therapist's office. Sit there for 10 minutes getting up the nerve to go in.  Run through the front door into a dim, wood-paneled office and approach the Koopa wearing a cardigan. Notice that it is holding a clipboard which says, "Mario claims he isn't even sure why he's here and insists he's fine."

Triple jump into the mirrored hallway, where you will see a self-reflection, along with an image of Luigi jumping higher, collecting more coins, and rescuing Princess after Princess. This sets Mario into a spiral, causing him to sink through the floor to the level below. Subconscious fears of inadequacy emerge from the Warp Pipe at progressively faster rates. Jump onto the pipe and pound them back down. Keep pounding them down, long after it is clear they are not reemerging. Once Mario is weeping uncontrollably, run towards the sign that says, "Let it a-go!"  Before you reach it, time expires and Mario warps back to his car, 10 coins poorer. Try again in two weeks.

Yaaas World 64

Search the main level of the castle for an unnaturally excited Toad stylist who will fit you with high heels, lipstick and a wig. Now jump into the Yaaas World 64 painting, where you must infiltrate Bowser's high society gala disguised as Peach. In each room, you will be swarmed by amorous Goombas, whose eyes will pop in and out of their heads as you strut by. If you push the Z button to crouch, the Goombas' tongues will hang out and their bowties will spin around in circles. If you accidentally bump into an obstacle and pop either of the balloons that you stuffed into your corset, the Goombas will immediately recognize you as Mario and kill you. 

Bob-ombay Battlefield, Jolly Raja Bay and Tikka Tock Clock

Three levels were changed slightly for the Indian release, Super Maharaja 64. In Bob-ombay Battlefield, find Lui-Ghee, who will help you unlock the Tan-Door, collect the 8 red curry coins and defeat Chai Guy.

Jungle Gentrification

Warp into a primitive jungle level wearing an explorer's pith helmet. A Toadette with a tiki mask and a bone in her hair will greet you at the entrance to the native village. Stomp on her and take her fire flower. Sprint through the village and torch the native huts while avoiding the banana-worshipping, spear-throwing monkey-themed Toad tribal warriors. Once all the huts are burned to the ground, tip the over their golden banana statue so it falls into the fire. This will break the curse cast on them by their pagan god. They will remove their coconut masks and pick up briefcases, becoming productive, civilized Toads. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Magnetic Resonance and the Neurology Playground

Dear Friends,

My newsfeed has been filled with stories of high-profile public figures resigning in protest - and making their resignation letters public. I usually steer clear of negativity in my life, but this particular slice of human drama fascinated me enough to inspire the Hard Taco song for April, "Take a Dictation, Ms. DiBella." 

You may recall that I have a side hustle as a designer of neurology-themed board and card games through a fake company called NeurdGames. We have a few new offerings that I'd like to bring to your attention!

Magnetic Resonance

This goofy party game is the the newest collaboration with Ali Christy, co-author of Endowed Chairs and Neurdle. In Magnetic Resonance, one player reads a neurology-themed prompt and the other players scramble to come up with the best answer using a big pile of medical words. 

Most of the parts for this game are hand made. Thus, I'm selling it through my Etsy shop, rather than a third-party print-on-demand board game manufacturer. What does that mean for you? It means my fingerprints will be all over it, so it's a great purchase if you are hoping to frame me for smuggling or cybercrime.

Dictation Errors

Dictation Errors came out in late 2024, but I'm floating it to the top of your inbox becaus it has has a theme song. That's right, aforementioned Hard Taco Song for this month, "Take a Dictation, Ms. DiBella" has the word Dictation in its title, so I'm counting it as the theme song. Does the song have anything in common with the game? About as much as Billy Ocean the singer, Ocean's Eleven the heist movie and Ocean Spray the cranberry juice have in common with each other.

Dictation Errors is aimed at anyone who has a medical background and likes shouting. I am starting a rumor that if you give this to a med student, they will start referring to you as their favorite aunt. 

The Neurology Playground

The Neurology Playground the newest addition to the Neurdgames Family. It's a library of FREE print-and-play or playground games. There are already 12 games in the library, and it's growing like a magic beanstalk. And yes, these are also all neurology-themed. If that's not your vibe, go grab a quick neuroscience PhD and come back. I'll wait. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Is This Rapport That I'm Feeling?

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for March is called "XL@XS," which is just a Gen Z way of saying, "Gen X excels at excess and has excellent access to eugenics."

Lauren and I are about to celebrate our 24th anniversary. According to the Census Bureau, the average length of a marriage in the United States is about 20 years. That number takes into account three things:

• Divorce
• Death
• The U.S. Census Bureau is suddenly and inexplicably disbanded, so they stop counting

So, what's the secret to our slightly better than average tenure? Call me corny, but I can sum it up in one word: rapport. 

It was rapport at first sight. A legendary, once-in-a-generation rapport. It conquers all, it makes the world go round, and it is a many-splendored thing. And 24 years later, we make sure to show each other our unconditional rapport in lots of little ways every day.

One way that I express my deep and enduring rapport for my wife is by making her punny Valentine's Day cards. With her permission, you are free to download this INTERACTIVE SLIDESHOW and repurpose these gently used Valentines with your special someone. 

Here's the best way to do it:

1. DOWNLOAD to a computer (not a phone)

2. Open the PowerPoint file from the computer. It works best with native PowerPoint, rather than the online version.

3. Play the Slideshow

4. Click on the image of interest to see the Valentine, and again to see the Valentine message.

5. Try in vain to figure out all 82 puns.

5. Use the red arrows in the bottom right to navigate back to the main menu.

This activity is also an excellent way to pass time with a friend and cultivate a brotherly, platonic rapport.  

With warmest regards,

Zach