Roll Out the Pork Barrel

Dear Friends,

Look, we've talked about this before, but if you're determined to have a baby in the 2010s, there are only two acceptable methods for choosing a name.

1. Your child may one day stumble upon an enchanted time shaft and wake up in 19th century England. Studies show that if he is named after one of the contemporary professions, it will be easier for him to find meaningful work. With that eventuality in mind, you should name him Cooper, Thatcher, Hunter, Mason, Tanner, or Wayne (which is short for Waynewright.)

2. Most traditional names evoke a specific gender, but what if your child is born with ambiguous genitalia? Or what if it's completely unambiguous, but you're too embarrassed to look? No probs! Keep its pants on, paint the nursery yellow, and give it a name that celebrates its androgyny.

• Consonant or consonant sound
• A or AY
• L or D
• EN

Examples include Jaden, Jaylen, Dalen, Bayden, Calen, Graylen, Braden, Bralen, Galen, Hayden, or Baleen.

Now that you know what to type on the birth certificate, it's time to select a pet name for your child.  This month's Hard Taco song, "Big Guy," is about finding the perfect moniker for your cutie wittle babykins.

The London House Rules
Not to toot my own kazoo but (TooOOT! TooOOT!) Lauren and I are better parents than you will ever be. Our kids have survived in this horrible world for an aggregate of 15 person-years, and neither of them tortures worms or screams "I hate you!" at the mirror while dying their eyebrows.

The secret to raising prosperous, natural-browed children is to be very strict about a limited number of rules. Too many rules will drive children away, only to be found five years later in the Sudanese Sacred Army of Brainwashed Child Machine Gun Holders. If they have too few rules, they will grow up and become King Joffrey.

We maintain a happy medium with the London House Rules. We printed this eloquent list of tenets in an austere font and taped it to the kitchen wall at the children's eye level.

1. Be kind. Always.
2. No screen time until you've finished your homework.
3. No chanting (i.e. "Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!") because that's f**ing annoying.

Strictly speaking, there are 11 other London House Rules, but we don't even attempt to enforce the other eight. They are just Styrofoam peanuts to cushion the Big Three. That may seem like a low ratio of wheat to chaff, but it's better than the 10 Commandments. How many of those do we actually enforce? Two... no killing and no stealing. What about no coveting your neighbor's crap? Styrofoam peanuts.

There's actually a cute story there. When Moses first presented the two tablets, he talked them up as "all killer, no filler," but nobody bought it. A bunch of the Commandments were last minute riders, an ingenious tactic to pass controversial provisions by the Hebrews. This was a political masterstroke on God's part. He predicted that nobody would ratify "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" unless it was tied to the popular clause prohibiting murder.

And since he was all-knowing and all-powerful, God was well aware that the line item veto wouldn't be invented for nearly 4000 years.

Biblical scholars have deduced that some of the Hebrews were kvetchy about having to bend to special interests. The High Priest, Aaron, publicly blasted The Almighty for enacting pork-barrel legislation, leading newspapers to run the headline: High Priest Denounces Pork.

So that's how that happened, probably.

With warmest regards,
Zach

Auld Ang Syne

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for January is called, "Attack Ads." I hope listeners know me enough to recognize that this is not simply a send-up of our political system.  Nor is it a style-parody of songs that mimic political farces. Rather, it is a lyrical pasquinade that deconstructs the recipe for lampooning pastiches that impersonate parodies of political spoofs. In other words, it is a Gobstopper of satire, with so many layers that no one is cultured enough to appreciate it on the level it was intended.

Conversely, the most popular songs in the English language have only one layer. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, and they are:

1. Happy Birthday To You
2. For He's a Jolly Good Fellow
3. Auld Ang Syne

One cannot mention these three songs without, in the same breath, discussing their discrepancies in copyright status. Warner Communications claims that it holds all rights to "Happy Birthday To You" until 2030. As a result, a live performance of this song costs $700 in royalties, and inclusion of the song in a movie costs $10,000. Thus, birthday parties in film often culminate with a sing-along of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," a song that is so asinine that no one has confessed to any part of its authorship.

"Auld Ang Syne" is also in the public domain, and thus free. It notable for being the third most popular English language song, despite the fact that it clearly is not in English. The lyrics were written by the Scottish military leader, William Wallace, of "Braveheart" fame. In 1305, King Edward found Wallace guilty of violating a number of intellectual property laws and sentenced him to public disembowelment. Witnesses to the execution transcribed the nonsensical Scottish interjections that Wallace mumbled during his disembowelment, and later cobbled them together to make the lyrics to "Auld Ang Syne."

According to legend, as his final intestine was removed, Wallace shouted, "I immediately revoke all personal or corporate rights to this song or any derivative thereof, pronounce it to be forthwith in the intellectual commons, will seek neither injunctions nor monetary damages, and without duress grant freedom to all parties for its reproduction for any purpose in perpetuity!!!"

This, of course, is the remarkable quote for which William Wallace is best remembered. It is carved into the cornerstone of Edinburgh City Chambers. Scottish children recite it each morning before class, and again whenever someone sneezes. In the filming of "Braveheart," Mel Gibson screamed the whole line with Oscar-winning intensity during the disembowelment scene. Unfortunately, the theatrical release was already pushing three hours, so the editors trimmed it down to, "Freedom!"

That Mr. Wallace sacrificed his viscera to promote the free use of "Auld Ang Syne" only throws into sharp relief the greed of a music industry that would do anything to enforce their dubious rights to the birthday song. Marilyn Monroe famously sang "Happy Birthday to You" to John F. Kennedy, and refused to pay the $700 to Warner Communications. Where was she three months later? Dead of mysterious causes! (Quite possibly public disembowelment.)

That is why my wife and I have come to regret choosing the song, "Happy Birthday to You" as our safe word. Yes, it's sixteen words, and it's not always easy to carry a tune when someone is firing a squirt gun full of hot wax at your forehead. But the main reason I rarely use it is that I'm too much of a cheapskate. Who wants to forfeit $700 in royalties just to avoid a few stiletto marks on the lower back?

Or, um, $10,000 for that one time?

With warmest regards,
Zach

Prost Traumatic Stress Disorder

Dear Friends,

One of the best things about living in Ann Arbor is that we have signs, and one of the best things about signs is that some of them list our Sister Cities.  

In the past, we have taken you on a whirlwind tour of Hikone and a whirlpool tour of Dakar. This month, we will embrace both inter-cultural discourse and distant cultural interccourse as we cyber-jaunt through our oldest urban playmate, Tübingen, Germany. 

People of Tübingen, I offer you this month's Hard Taco song, "Ubble-a Dup Dup," which was so-named to give you a healthy American portion of the letter U the way we believe God intended it... without an umlaut. 

Tübingen is a small college town in Southwest Germany, just a few miles from the German Alps. The first recorded mention of the city was in 1191, when it was besieged by Henry IV, King of Germany. He noted that the gentle Neckar River that runs through the city center was "ideal for kayaking and tubing," and called the town Kayakingenundtübingen. This was shortened to Tübingen in 1540 when Martin Luther exposed kayaking as a Papist pastime. 

The University of Tübingen has a world-class reputation for cultivating innovative thought. Well-know graduates include Friedrich Holderlin, the hypochondriac poet, and Alois Alzheimer, who invented dementia. The most popular major among current students is German, although graduates find careers in everything from engineering to lederhosen engineering.

Tübingen, Germany - Quick Facts/Speculations
Population: 89,000
Old world values: Austerity, order
Liberal college town values: Frugality, tidiness
Emblem: David Hasselhoff carefully arranging Gummy Bears 
Tree: The family tree of the Hapsburgs
Flower, and what one says to it: Edelweiss, every morning you greet me.  
Statue in Town Square: A giant beer stein depicting images of scholars discovering that lunch is the most important meal of the day
Motto: Mut und Glauben, Aber Kein Augenkontakt, Bitte. ("Courage and faith, but no eye contact, please.")
Nickname: A Small Cog In Our Great National Cuckoo Clock
Exports: Train parts, curt nods, Popes who think it's okay to retire, BMV luxury cars (they can't pronounce W.)
Favorite Grimm Fairy Tale: A woodsman sells his children to an evil dwarf and lives happily ever after.
Second Favorite Grimm Fair Tale: A queen prays for a child, and a benevolent angel brings her one... in her soup. She immediately recognizes what it is, so she cries while eating it. 
Most Popular Baby Clothing Store: Snugglers of Catan
Traditional angles for viewing Zungenwurst: From the front and in partial profile

Zungenwurst from the front

Zungenwurst in partial profile

With warmest regards,
Zach

Another Ick in the Wall

Dear Friends,

"There's a pit where bad guys have to dig up crystals all day instead of going to jail."

That is my son Malcolm's vision for the new Hard Taco song, "Chisels 'n Dust," which he co-authored. I enjoyed this collaboration, and hope it is the first of many. I look forward to breaking up over aesthetic differences and grudgingly reuniting after a decade of unsuccessful solo endeavors.

I always feel a bit embarrassed about posting a link to my songs on Facebook, but I do it anyway, just in case one or two people are curious. Other than that, I'm a pretty reserved Facebook poster.

We all know people that exist at the other end of the spectrum. One of my friends furnishes her timeline with new material five or more times a day. Most of the posts are just three letter interjections, such as Yay or Ick, but within minutes, each of these garners hundreds of Likes and Comments.

So what is her secret? Am I an unpopular person or am I just providing unpopular content? To find out, I took 24 hours and posted the same kind of stuff as everybody else. The results will shock you.

With warmest regards,
Zach

The Word Limit

Dear Friends,

If you believe in the old adage about the relative value of pictures and words, this month's wordy Hard Taco song, "Pick Two," is worth over 0.8 pictures. The chorus of this song is a reference to a metaphor I read about in a David Sedaris essay. To paraphrase, your life is spent cooking at a symbolic stovetop. The four burners represent your family, friends, health, and work.  To provide enough heat to two of them (and thus, to be successful at them), you have to turn the other burners off.

Most of us find other places to waste time besides the big four. I'm sure you've got your own auxiliary heat sources, but for me there's the music recording burner, the fort-building burner, and the stupid digest-writing burner (the one I would most like to turn off.) With all of these going, there is certainly no gas for the reading anything other than one book of David Sedaris essays burner. 

In a parallel universe, I bet I'm a great reader. In this one, I make it through one or two novels in a good year. Aside from a fluky Kurt Vonnegut phase in 1999, I haven't really been an avid reader since 9th grade, when I finally outgrew the only favorite author I ever had. Any guesses who it was?

Piers Anthony.

Anyone? No smoldering Piers Anthony fans out there? Not anymore, but in the 80s, he was the reigning colossus of fantasy cheese. For years, it seemed like every time I stepped into Waldenbooks, there was a new Piers Anthony novel on the shelves. All 100 or so of his books were about people who unintentionally traveled between magic and non-magic worlds, a trope which has since been adapted more successfully in countless books and movies.  One factor that was crucial to his limited success was that Anthony was also a pervert, but not so much that they couldn't stock his books in middle school libraries.

From 4th grade on, I carried a Piers Anthony paperback with me at all times. My Grandpa Arnold would see me reading and mumble, "Pierce Rabinowitz." I never knew why changing the last name from Anthony to Rabinowitz was funny. The only similarity between the two names was the long o sound, but it's hard to argue that was enough to qualify as wordplay.

One day, we were running some errands in my grandpa's truck, and he noticed that I was holding a copy of, "On a Pale Horse."

"Pierce Rabinowitz," he mumbled. Whatever joy he got from this clever pun melted away quickly, because I took this as an invitation to summarize the plot of the book. This guy Zane is about to kill himself because he's really sad, but then he sees Death, the actual guy-version of Death, the grim reaper guy with the scythe. So Zane flips out and shoots Death instead of himself! And then here's the cool part...  he has to take over Death's job! He has to drive around the world in a limo, which can turn into a boat sometimes, and collect people's souls.

After about fifteen minutes, I paused to take a breath, and my grandfather said, "Every person is born with a word limit. Once you say all of your allotted words, you die."

So I stopped talking. Not because I understood his point (that I should shut up), but because I thought he was commenting on the book (he wasn't.)

But then I started thinking about what he had said. What if he was right? Could I achieve immortality by taking a Benedictine vow of silence? Were the world's orphanages filled with the children of auctioneers?

It didn't end up holding true for my grandfather. He didn't talk much, but he also didn't live to be particularly old. Still, I think his theory may hold water if we were to examine populations instead of individuals. The average life expectancy in the United States is 78.1 years. In Germany, it's 79.8 years. Why the discrepancy? Contrasting health care systems? Perhaps, but I would argue that they main difference is that Germans can say almost anything in one word. Examples:

Sitzpinkler = A man who sits to pee.
Shmutzfangmattenserive = The act of cleaning doormats
Torschlusspanik = The fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages
Fussbodenschleifmaschinenverleih = Floor sander rentals
Schwartzwalderkirschtortenlieferantenhut = The hat of the black forest cake delivery person

Spanish, on the other hand, uses extra words to express simple concepts. If you want to fundraise, for example, you have to say, "estamos tratando de recaudar fondos." And guess what? The average Guatemalan only makes it to 71.5 years. (And most of them go to their graves without ever understanding what Girl Scouts are doing with all those cookies, because no one has time to explain it to them.)

All of this comes back around to my original point, which is that this month's Hard Taco song, "Pick Two," is extraordinarily wordy. That means I'm going to end up on the wrong end of the actuarial bell curve if I don't make up some ground. So please, if you see me this month, please shut me up when I try to give you a summary of the first 37 Xanth novels.

With warmest regards,
Zach

A Fleshy Chablis for Steam Engine Steve

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for September, "What Has He Done, The Bear," is the most important song you will listen to all day. You won't BELIEVE the third and twelfth lines. One quarter of the way through the song, you'll start to question everything you've ever thought about anything. By the time you're halfway through, you'll start to believe in the jaw-dropping power of the human spirit. And once you rank the 300 signs that you're a Hard Taco Digest reader from most to least unbelievable, what happens next will break your heart.

A Lesson in Wino Pairing
Lauren and I recently attended a destination wedding in Northern California.  Sonoma County is known for breathtaking views of rolling hills, pinstriped with sweeping vineyards. Not surprisingly, the combination of picturesque beauty and unlimited free wine tastings has attracted droves of hoboes to the region for over a century. I'm not talking about the sedentary street bums found in other cities, but actual steam rail-riding, bindle-carrying hoboes.  Thousands of them. They call the region Napa Valley, which is the Wappo Indian term for "Nappy Vagabond."

The old stereotype that hoboes love wine holds true in roughly 100% of cases. I always assumed that the wine a hobo chooses to drink is just a matter of personal preference, but the Sonoma sommeliers know better. Gabriel, who pours at the Lancaster Estates tasting room in Healdsburg, gave us a free primer on how to pair a fine wine with the right breed of hobo. Here are the basics:

Cabernet Sauvignon - A powerful, tannic red grape.  Goes well with a toothless hobo wearing a stovetop pipe hat and coveralls that are missing a button.

Chardonnay - A wider-bodied white grape that is often seen with late harvest tramps, such as Tarnose Nabob or Hobo Huxtable the XII. Also pairs nicely with white-bearded sidetrack hoboes like Mr. Ben "Nickel Note" Pantaloons.

Malbec - A sophisticated mid-season ripener, and a good match for a stocky, snake oil-selling charlatan in tattered coattails. A supple wine that creates delightful stains on burlap pants held up by a piece of rope.

Merlot - A lauded middle-palate grape with a round finish. A bottle of this varietal is often found in the brown paper bag of a tall, stubbly bindle-stiff with a mutt limping a few paces behind him.

Pinot Noir - Delicate and fresh, with softer aromatics. Perfect for inebriating medium-bearded vagabonds like Creaky Rags Lupino or Milo "Extra Chum" Spare-biscuits.

Riesling - A drier white that goes well with chicken, fish, a can of beans, and any urine-soaked bum lying stuporous in a boxcar.

Sangiovese - A silky red wine native to Tuscany, often consumed by a hoboes who begin stories with, "Let me sit down a minute, a stone got in my shoe."

Sauvignon Blanc - A versatile, smoky varietal typically found in the hand of a Westbound hobo sleeping under liberal-leaning newspapers. Popular pairings include Seasick Admiral Mulligan, Steam-for-legs Sal, or Lushy McBedsore. Also pairs well with any hobo wearing a bent fork tied to a string around the neck.

Syrah - A hearty, spicy red, often with toffee notes. Pairs well with harmonica-wielding itinerants like Snaky Bunyan or Earl "Redundant Skinfold" Hardwhiskers.

Zinfandel - Found only in California, Zinfandel grapes are crushed by inserting them between the two plates of the San Andreas Fault and waiting for an earthquake. This creates a zesty and versatile wine that can intoxicate a wide range of hoboes, from dumpster-diving handcar pumpers to your high-end jungle buzzards with corncob pipes.

White zinfandel - Sweet, syrupy, and trashy, white Zin is terrible and no hobo would ever drink it.

With warmest regards,
Zach

Postcards from Panama, Part 6

Dear Friends,

This month, I offer you a sweet redneck love song called, "Write His Name In Monster Trucks."  This song has the honor of being alphabetically last in the Hard Taco catalog.

Meanwhile, here's the annual installment of "Postcards from Panama." You should be able to drop right in, but if you're wondering how we got here, you can catch up here.


Postcards from Panama, Part 6

8/1/14
Dear Karen,

I've been having a symptom. Since we are going to be married soon, I think it is important that we are open with each other about our symptoms, even the non-concerning ones. Mine is that I wake up in the middle of the night and my fingers are making "OK" signs. Most likely, this represents what doctors call a "completely normal variant." In other words, it may be even MORE normal than other positions that hands can be found in upon awakening.

It is also possible that I am dreaming about throwing darts.

Please write back and let me know what you think about the idea of discussing our symptoms with each other.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/4/14
Dear Karen,

I have a longstanding belief (a firm one) that people must follow their dreams, no matter how dire the cost. I think my dreams are telling me to play darts, so on Thursday, I am going to a local carnival. The last time I attended a carnival, I got to throw darts at a wall full of colorful balloons. Had I successfully popped the white one, I would have won a giant plush hyena.

Would you like me to try to win you a life-sized plush hyena, or would you find that to be too threatening? I haven's seen you since 1992, so it is possible that you have developed hyena-related PTSD in the meantime. Just in case, I will pop the white balloon, but only ask for a less-threatening, medium-sized plush hyena off the rack of inferior prizes.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/8/14
Dear Karen,

The carnival was amazing! I will not pussyfoot about this... it exceeded my wildest hopes. When we are married, Karen, I will track down this particular carnival company and we will visit it together, many days in a row.

Here's the best part: Do you remember how someone, perhaps you, always said that I was probably ultra-talented, and that I just hadn't discovered my special power yet? Karen, I have figured out my special talent:  I can look at someone and guess how much weight they need to lose. I got the idea from one of the carnies who was doing something similar. On a whim, I tried it out on my neighbor, Dignidad, and his brother, Debilidad. Both of them need to lose 15.0 pounds. They were amazed that I was accurate to the tenth of a pound.

My neighbor's brother also needs to have a large mole removed, but it doesn't weigh enough to impact my calculations. (Yet.)

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/12/14
Dear Karen,

You haven't written back, so I assume you feel my description of the carnival was not comprehensive enough. Here are some additional details:

They had a balloon-popping game, but instead of throwing darts, I got to shoot a crossbow that was mounted on a table.  The design is ingenious! It is impossible to shoot yourself accidentally unless you stand on the wrong side of the table. When we have children, I will insist that they only play with crossbows that are safely table-mounted.

With warmest regards,
Michael

8/13/14

Dear Karen,

Today was the last day the carnival was in town, so I went back and made an appointment with the manager to discuss job openings. I proposed that he hire me to travel with them from town to town and guess how overweight people are. I even brought my own contract for a flexible three-city tour that included a signing bonus and incentive pay. Haggling is an important part of Panamanian culture, so I expected him to try to bargain me down. (If you don't haggle, they think you are a foreign spy.)

Unfortunately, we couldn't agree to terms and he kicked me out of his office. It was weird, because I kept telling him that he needed to lose 30.4 pounds, and this really should have impressed him. 

It's probably for the best, because carnival workers are notoriously cruel to exotic animals, and I simply can't condone that.  What are your opinions about cruelty to exotic animals? 

With warmest regards,

Michael

8/15/14
Dear Karen,

The carnival was such an amazing experience, Karen. I can't think about anything else! I know it's not the same thing as being here together, but I ordered you a custom bumper sticker that says "I Heart Carnivals." It's not big deal, except that it is very expensive because the minimum order was 200 stickers.

You will probably want to put separate stickers on both your FRONT and REAR bumpers. This will facilitate conversations when you arrive somewhere.  If you only put the sticker on your rear bumper, people won't know how you feel about carnivals until you are driving away and it is too late to discuss!

You can sell the remaining 198 bumper stickers to friends and neighbors. You should pick a price and stick to it, because NOT HAGGLING is an important part of Americans culture.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/15/14
Dear Karen,

I meant to tell you that I ordered your custom bumper stickers from a local "madre and padre" store, not from an online mega-store. A lot of people in South America show their support for local businesses by buying things from Amazon. (The river, not the website.)

My neighbor Dignidad thinks that all of the bricks and mortar stores will collapse because of the sheer number of websites. I think that as long as we all continue to support local commerce, they will be fine. I am more worried about stores that are just bricks, and have no mortar. I think they are much more likely to collapse.

With warmest regards,

Michael

8/25/14

Dear Karen,

By the way, how are you? Out of curiosity, do you have a husband or an active boyfriend right now? If you do, that's okay. I was recently thinking about that one time on August 1, 1989 at 8pm when we promised each other we would get married 20 years later if we were both still single. If you have an active boyfriend right now, it is someone that you made a similar promise to, perhaps predating August 1, 1989? If so, I would completely understand.  Just let me know!

With warmest regards, 

Michael