Thursday, April 1, 2004

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Dear Friends,

    Someone recently pointed out to me that some junk mail filters are siphoning off your well-deserved Hard Taco updates into junk mail folders of questionable moral content. These Hard Taco Digests are very innocent appearing, and are an easy target for the other ignominious emails that are rightfully banished to these disreputable cesspools of quackery and perversion. I'm sure you would be as shocked as I would to see my untainted, fawn-eyed April Update bullied by a Turkish Levitra Substitute email or molested by an invitation to Consolidate Your Debt with Free University Diplomas.
    Therefore, I've removed suspicious words from my title (like "Hard" and more specifically the capital letter "H" which is crucial if you're advertising Horny Asian Teen Housewives. Hopefully, this will result in 75% more emails getting through and 200% more people linking to my favorite Charles Grodin fanpage. It was "Made in the Netherlands by a really big fan." I was going to put it at the bottom, but you've been patient enough.
    Getting back to the subject of horny teen housewives, I am a huge fan of the phrase "barely legal." My New Year's Resolution this year is to use that phrase all the time. This English Muffin I'm toasting right now is so fresh, it's barely legal! I'm going to dig a hole in my yard right now and I'm not going to stop until it's barely legal!
    I know what you're thinking, and don't worry... If I start enacting a New Year's resolution three months late, it's only fair that I continue describing everything as barely legal until April '05. One caveat: When I'm talking about something that I expect to happen after 4/05, I don't have to use the phrase.
    For example, by late 2005 I will complete work on my one-wheeled robot butler. He will have a painted-on tuxedo and monocle and a wrought iron mustache that will rotate back and forth when he talks.  I will call him either RoboButlerBot, RoboButBotLer, or perhpas Cyber-Jeeves-odroid the Electrobutlertron. I will program him to say adorable things like "Please. I can't work any faster," and to have a mind-blowing crush on Lauren's grandmother.
    This month's song, "Kollector," is titillating pinch of pop-rock chew to place between your cheek and gum. It is now available for download, but I should warn you that downloading free MP3's off the Hard Taco Project site is only barely legal! I spelled Collector wrong on purpose because where I grew up, that's the way we pronounced it. It's not that I'm unaware of the correct spelling... it's just that spelling it phoenetically lets you know that I'm street smart and on the level.

With warmest regards,