Friday, December 1, 2017

The iPhone Triple X

Dear friends,

The Hard Taco song for December is called, “Strain.” I wrote this tune when I was 17, but two decades of song-specific writer’s block prevented me from coming up with the last few lines. Over time, I became so confident that I would never finish it that I actually poached some of the lyrics I liked for other songs. Finally, last month, we dug it out of the vault, and patched it up with some new parts, producing the recording to give it that early Hard Taco vibe. The song came out okay, but most importantly, I feel lighter having recorded it!

Hard Tech-o: We review the iPhone X so you don't have to
Thinking about getting an iPhone X? If so, don’t humiliate yourself my mispronouncing it when you go into the Apple Store. You are supposed to say the Roman numerals, so it is actually pronounced, “One phone Ten.”

The first thing you will notice about the iPhone X is the new 5.8 inch OLED display. Compared to the LCD screens of previous iPhones, blacks look much blacker. In fact, every color in the spectrum looks blacker, so that ROY G. BIV now stands for Raven, Onyx, ebonY, Gorilla Fur, Black as Hell, Inner Space, and Vacuum. If you turn up the brightness on the screen, you can also see shades of Pitch White.

The most impressive new feature is the Genital ID. You just point the camera at your penis, or vice versa, and it unlocks your screen! The iPhone X has both front and rear cameras, so you can unlock your phone no matter where your penis is. How does it work? The 12 MP TrueDepth camera projects and analyzes over 30,000 invisible dots to create a realistic 3D map of the unique contours of your penis. Having to expose your penis to unlock your phone is actually a giant step forwards for privacy, because you can now feel confident that your pictures will be safe if the phone is stolen.

Your new phone will also let you register your partner’s penis, so he can access the music apps while you are driving. In fact, you can register up to 10 penises, so everyone in on the team bus can have a turn to DJ!

Other reviewers have pointed out that potential customers may not have a penis at the time of purchase. Reasonable criticism, but Apple has worked around it by equipping the iPhone X with Face ID. Of course, Genital ID is more secure; it is possible for two people to have the same face.

One glaring fault of the iPhone 7 that Apple neglected to fix was the lack of a headphone jack. Fortunately, Most iPhone X owners prefer to play their music on the crappy built-in speakers, to draw attention to the fact that they are wealthy enough to own a phone with no headphone jack.

Another downside I see is that the housing of the new iPhone X is made out of glass, rendering it more prone to cracks than prior models. So I'm just going to say it: people who live with glass housings shouldn’t throw phones. 

With warmest regards,