Sunday, May 1, 2005

The Secret Life of GERMS

Dear Friends,

White tigers, and to a lesser degree dinosaurs, are extremely popular on account of their rarity. Who would want to hang out and watch TV with a squirrel or a bat if they could watch the same TV but sit next to a white tiger? Prevalence and popularity are so inversely proportional, in fact, that the most common animal of all is probably the most ostracized. I'm speaking, of course, of the germ.

I'm not saying the germ doesn't deserve some of its notoriety, but it is probably the most misunderstood animal you'll ever meet. I have tried to keep an open mind, and learn about germs without being judgmental. It's been really eye-opening and helped me to appreciate the world as one big neighborhood rather than a series of single-family homes surrounded by water. Here are some facts about germs to help you feel like you're part of a neighborhood.

1. Germs are not ticklish.
2. The germ's favorite kind of Jell-o is called "agar", which is always circular and 1 cm deep. Unlike humans, germs do not like to suspend fruit cocktail in their Jell-o, so 1 cm is deep enough.
3. Liquid soap is very harmful to germs and should not be consumed unless you are positive you want nothing to do with germs.
4. The idealized germs rendered in science textbooks create an unrealistic physical ideal that fosters feelings of inadequacy among normal germs, who are not perfectly rod-shaped and don't have such evenly spaced cilia.
5. Germ Warfare was banned under the Geneva Protocol of 1925, but Germ Fanfare is generally felt to be rousing and inspirational.
6. If all of the germs in the world were lined up end to end, they would stretch to the moon and back six times. This many germs in a line would make for a very exciting game of "telephone."
7. If left unchecked, the germ that causes Senior-itis can cause full-blown Party Fever.
8. One time a germ was abducted from his parents as an infant and raised by people. Even though he didn't know the truth about his past, he recognized a lullaby that his mother used to sing him and it brought back all kinds of really deep memories.
9. Unlike germs, I AM very ticklish. If I ever need a pedicure, I would like to get an epidural beforehand.
10. Individual germs are good at both crimes and crimefighting, but their colonies are so large (>100,000) that the crime-doing and crimefighting germs tend to offset each other. Therefore, germs do not cause a net change in the total amount of crime that takes place.
11. Under the coverslip, germs look round and smooshy, but in their natural habitat, most germs are shaped like pyramids or shamrocks (or sometimes scissors.)

After a couple months of rocking you about the face and head, we're going to tone it down a little for the May Hard Taco song, which is called, "We All Die Young." If you are either too drunk to find your hands or simply nostalgic for your childhood accordion, this song will likely reduce you to tears.


Meanwhile, don't forget that back issues of the Hard Taco Digest are available for your enjoyment. I have entered into a multi-million dollar agreement with Google, whereby you can find old Hard Taco Digests by "Googling" any of these terms:
Crucified Goat-Demon, Giving Swirlies, Beating an Old Grocer, Christian Psychobilly, Turkish Levitra Substitute, Boobless Calculator Code, Tangible Pithiness, Surgically Darkened Armpits, Hemiparetic Nun, Fine Higgle, Chinese Pants-soiling, Fake Shredded Lettuce, Logbert, Enormous Calves.

With warmest regards,