Thursday, May 1, 2003

And I Certainly Don't Know How to Insert Headers

Dear Friends,

  You've probably noticed that Hawaiians say everything twice, like "Mahi Mahi" or "Humu humu nuku nuku apu ah ah." Therefore, when I tell you that organ donation is a "win-win" situation, you may think I am practicing for a ukulele song. To the contrary, I am merely referring to the fact that donating an organ is the soundest investment a brain dead person can make. In many European countries, organ donation status is presumed unless you specifically request an exemption from the government. Why is it any different here, at a time when organ shortages are approaching Depression-era magnitude? I would like to exercise my power as a celebrity endorser to urge you to get a donor card the next time you are at the DMV. If you want, you can even be selective about which organs you wish to donate. For instance, you can give away your skin and your lungs but keep your eyes. (Note: even nice eyes probably won't get you a date after your skin has been donated.)
  Organs are just another example of quality taking a back seat to quantity. When the chips are down, I like some cold hard numbers to hang my harp on. After all, the Hard Taco machine spits out one song a month, no matter what, whether it's good or bad. That's the power of raw numbers, my friend. For May of 2003, we have reached a new milestone in our quest for the objectively measurable. The new song, "Kid Fingers," has more lyrics than any other Hard Taco song in our exhausting history, or for that matter, any other song I can think of offhand. With the help of Microsoft's Word Count feature, I am privileged to present you with some data supporting this claim. See for yourself how we match up to other verbose songs: 
"It's the End of the World As We Know It" by R.E.M. - 362 words
"We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel  410 words
"One Week" by Barenaked Ladies  592 words
"Tangled Up in Blue" by Bob Dylan - 594 words
"American Pie" by Don McLean  856 words
"Kid Fingers" by Hard Taco - 892 words

   I would have presented this in chart form, but the Word Count is the only feature in Microsoft Word that I'm comfortable with. The point is, do not be lulled by the professional musicianship, catchy melodies, and high recording quality of those other songs. Those are just cheap studio tricks that you have to slather on when you don't have the sheer force of 892 words to back you up. 
   Anyway, enjoy, and keep those organs coming coming. Aloha!

With warmest regards,