Saturday, May 1, 2004


Dear Friends,

If you hid a microphone in my living room plants, you would probably figure out that I talk an awful lot about which board games I like and which I don't. Most of you who I suspect of spying on me regularly don't manufacture board games for a living, but in case any of you do, pay close attention.

When I'm playing your game, there must be a situation in which the rules allow for me to yell out the name of the game enthusiastically. Preferably, this happens about once every five to ten minutes, during an appropriately climactic moment. Here are some examples of games that meet my criteria: UNO! SORRY! YAHTZEE! BLACKJACK! CONNECT FOUR! PASS THE PIGS! 

Sometimes, I find a way to yell out the name of the game, even if it's not explicitly called for by the rules of the game. JENGA! TWISTER! BARREL OF MONKEYS! CANDYLAND! (Or, depending on the situation, "Damn you, CANDYLAND!") 

Unfortunately, some games just don't make good exclamations, no matter how much enthusiasm you muster. PICTIONARY JUNIOR! TRIVIAL PURSUIT GENUS 4! I feel that these games should be recalled, and everyone who was duped into buying one should get a fat rebate check from Hasbro or Galoob or whoever is responsible for the travesty. 

I would be especially happy to get a fat rebate check from Galoob, because they have the greatest company name ever. Not only does the company itself beg to be yelled out in a high voice (Galoob! Galoob!), but it can also be spelled upside down on a calculator! Don't believe me? Type 800789 and flip your calculator over. I admit that technically, that spells GBLOOB, but when your friend whispers "What's your favorite game company?" and you pass her the ultra-secret upside-down calculator note, she'll probably be able to figure out you're not talking about Milton Bradley.  

What makes this story even more interesting is that the British actually used the upside down calculator code in World War II to send encrypted messages to the Allied forces. As it turns out, the only two things besides "GBLOOB" that can be written on upside down calculators are "hI BILL" and "BOOBLESS." The first was useful, because of the 600+ British Generals in WWII, over 100 of them were named William. The second was useful for making fun of Hitler's Mistress, Eva Braun, who was flat as a spatula

The Hard Taco song for May is called "Steal a Man a Fish." Contrary to logic, I was not on any drugs at all when I wrote this song. If it sounds like I was, that's only because YOU are probably on drugs RIGHT NOW. Don't think I can't smell it on your nappy-ass hair, you freaking hippy deadbeat. Hopefully, you didn't take so many drugs that you start having seizures before you realize how much Lauren has learned how to rock out. 

Until next time... PARCHESI!

With Warmest Regards,