Friday, April 1, 2005

My Mom's Poems Kick Your Mom's Poems' Asses

Dear Friends,

If you're not in rabbinic school, you may download the new Hard Taco song, "Dovetails" right now.

Today, I would like to pay tribute to one of the greatest bards of the modern era. She is one of the most prolific contemporary American poets, and yet she has never been published... until now. I speak, of course, of my mother, Roberta London. For years I have been haunting the auction houses, scouring garage sales, and scanning through endless reels of microfiche at the Library of Congress. At long last, I have acquired what I believe to be the largest anthology of Roberta London poems anywhere in the world. Now, for the first time ever, these poems have been published online, and they are available exclusively to readers of the Hard Taco Digest. Included are such great works as "You Put the Meaning in the 'F' Word: 'Friend'" and "To Spartacus Fartacus Upon the Occasion of His Recovery From Lumbar Laminectomy of Level 3/4 and 4/5." See here to enjoy this robust collection of long, elegant poems.


Speaking of things that are long and elegant, yet robust, I am totally obsessed with the Hummer Limousine! You may have seen these on the streets, but you might not realize that they are the most fearsome military apparatus on the planet.  The Hummer Limo can transport up to 22 armed soldiers over some of the world's the most rugged and uninviting terrain. It's the only stretch limousine with 9.1 inches of ground clearance, a 37.5 degree approach angle and the capacity to ford up to 24 inches of water! It also has 3 plasma screen TV's, a wet bar, a fireplace and a mirror ball. Most of them have been deployed to battle zones already, but there are a handful back in the states, and they are available to civilians for rental! Here are some common scenarios in which you may choose to rent a Hummer Limo:

1. It's prom night, but the school gym is being fumigated, so the dance has been moved 800 miles north into the heart of the Yukon tundra.
2. You need to transport a squad of green berets into enemy territory for a rescue mission, but you forgot to put them through basic training first. If only you could secure a vehicle that has an X-box so they can play HALO on their way to the mission...
3. A dozen of your most important clients just flew in from Japan, and they wired a message to your office saying that they want a "Disco Party in a Volcano." It might be a mistranslation, but do you really want to take chances with a two million dollar account?

The Hard Taco song for April is called "Dovetails." Those of you that are rabbinic students may now download it. I just wanted to make you guys wait to give everyone else a chance for once.

With Warmest Regards,