Saturday, December 1, 2012

Hooray Luuuuucifer

Dear Friends,

My fellow miracles, there is a new Hard Taco album out today, and it is called Vainglorious.

This is an album of nice wholesome songs. What makes them wholesome? The BPM (beats per minute) is considerably larger than the FBPM (F-bombs per minute.) 60 FBPM, or one F-bomb every second, is really the upper limit of good taste. After that, listeners may become desensitized to high-frequency rhythmic cursing.

I've played this album in public on a few occasions, and each time I sensed energetic disapproval from the people around me. Were they actually booing? Maybe. Or maybe they were watching football games on their phones and cheering for a player with an "oo" sound in his name. John Kuhn, Isaac Bruce, Deuce McAllister, Victor Cruz... Maybe somewhere, one of those guys scored a touchdown. That would certainly make more sense than hundreds of people booing my CD, which as I mentioned, is both nice and wholesome.

And yet, if I took anything away from my freshman world history class, it's that you have to be very careful about how you interpret crowds of people going, "ooooo." Perhaps one of the more egregiously misleading statements ever made was, "Your Majesty, they're not booing.... they're cheering Looooooouis the 16th! You should just keep doing your thing. It's working!"

And Louis XVI was not the only historical figure who failed, because of the vowels in his name, to realize he was being booed. There's John Wilkes Booth, Mussolini, Shaka Zulu, Caligula, and Tupac Shakur, to name a few. Most likely, none of these men knew how terribly unpopular they were until they were being executed or assassinated.

Seriously! Stop shooting me! Wait, does that mean that all this time you guys were saying Boooo and not Raspuuuuutin?

So if you play this new album and immediately hear 100's of decibels of sibilance, be sure to ask the crowd: Are you hissing or just saying Vaingloriousssss?

Finally, I should mention that there is a new song this month, and it's called, "If I Wanted Your Opinion (I Would Beat it Out of You.)" You love yachting, so I know you'll find that this song to be a perfect companion to a quiet afternoon kicking back on your 115 foot yacht. You can close your eyes, let the music wash over you, and feel smooth and satisfied like you're kicking back on a 220 foot superyacht.

What other song can promise to double the length of your luxury watercraft?

With warmest regards,

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