Sunday, April 1, 2018

A High Pranking Official

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for April is called, "Lifelong Memories." It's certainly true that both songs and smells can bring back childhood memories. Now let's see if a song about memory can bring back childhood smells.

Hey, Reader. Did you hear that they changed the calendar so that today is March 32nd? I'm not kidding. I swear on cemetery-full of dead relatives that I'm telling the truth!


Oh, Reader, you're such a gullible dope. We're all pointing at you because you fell for the oldest prank in the proverbial eBook. You've got so much egg on your face, guests have started asking the chef at the omelet bar if they could get theirs with a human nose, too.

It's actually April 1st on the Gregorian calendar, and that means you have the opportunity to pay it forward. Here are the 15 freshest japes to try out on your naive friends and co-workers before midnight.

Hide a baby monitor in crawlspace above the ceiling and transmit recordings of medieval battle through it.

Gradually replace all the framed family photos in the house with pictures of Laura Bush.

Convince warring medieval tribes to have an actual battle in the crawlspace above the ceiling.

Put a note on someone's car that says, "I'm sorry about the meteorite damage."

Write a co-worker's name on the waistband of some underwear and bury it in an undisclosed location in the woods while the co-worker is wearing it.

Replace someone's deodorant with a deck of cards and watch them flip out as they rub the cards up and down their armpit over and over.

Superglue a quarter to the sidewalk and when someone bends down to pick it up, superglue their hand to the sidewalk, too. Now superglue another quarter to their butt and wait for the next gullible passerby.

Lean over the parapet and pour boiling oil on to your enemies. Shout, "April Fuels!"

Offer to teach your friend the world's best palindromes, but instead, teach him or her phrases that only sound like palindromes, such as:

  • Banana moms bomb Panama
  • A dog appendix in Nepal is a pagoda
  • Acrobats stab acorns and an orca
  • Trick a new anus? I won, Ma. Or is it Mom? Mammy? Or are we now Nana? Christ.

Cut the main power line to your city so your friend's CPAP machine stops working. Now the snoring will keep his wife awake half the night.

Cover the sensor on the remote control with a piece of clear tape. While your kids are tied up with the frustration of not being able to turn the TV on, cover the sensors on the fire alarm and the carbon monoxide detector.

Tape a piece of paper with the phrase, "Patient voice activated only" to one of the ventilators in the ICU.

Pour out the ketchup and replace it with fish blood. Serve your friend some French fries while they are in shark-infested waters.

Hand someone a newspaper and tape the following over the headline: "Authorities Determine April 1st to be Renamed February 60th."

Water down someone's food coloring, which will make their own April Fools pranks modestly less effective.

With warmest regards,