Saturday, July 1, 2006

The Two Man Flannel Springboard 14" Flying Hack

Dear Friends,

In this issue:
I. Toe Heel Flap Step Stomp Buffalo Scuff He-ball
II. We Came, We Saw
III. New Hard Taco CD Available... wait for it... NOW!
IV. The Frugal Philatelist

Maybe you're a tap-dancing junkie, or maybe you're just a kid that likes to party now and again. Either way, I'm your pusher-man. The Hard Taco song for August is called, "The Funny Wagon," and it has all the real tap-dancing you need for some real good times this weekend. I've got your basic paddle and roll, your shim sham shimmy, and of course, I can set you up with some shuffle ball change heel dig flea hop flap triple cramp roll.

As a child I idolized the great tap dancers, many of whose names have long since been forgotten (I want to say Teresa Heinz and Danny Glover?) They had so much grace, and they could say more with a bunch of clicking sounds than most dancers could say with no sound at all. Truly, there is nothing more satisfying than the sound of metal on wood. Not only does that explain our universal love of tap-dancing, but it also explains our universal love of hitting cymbals with wooden drum sticks and watching horses walk back and forth on covered bridges.
It is also why one of the most popular sports on television is the Lumberjack Games.

What can I say? If loving lumberjack games is a crime, you might as well whip out the ink pad and take my fingerprints now, because I have no intention of being rehabilitated. I cannot resist the erotic sounds of the underhand chop, the jack and jill crosscut, the hot saw double buck, the ironjack axe throw, or the two man flannel springboard 14" flying hack.

You may be saying, "Hold on, Hard Taco. You didn't mention log-rolling (otherwise known as birling) in your list of favorites."  That was intentional, and asking only makes you look more foolish. Many of us do not feel that log-rolling should even be considered a Lumberjack Sport, because when the event is completed, the appointed log has not been chopped/cleaved whatsoever! You wouldn't say someone is a great axe-murderer because they can stand on top of somebody, would you? Of course not, and standing on top of a log doesn't make you worth beans as a lumberjack, either.

In reality, my beef with log-rolling is that it is the only event that doesn't produce that satisfying metal-on-wood sound. I have thought about this a lot, and I have reached the conclusion that the rules need to be modified so that the competitors wear tap shoes. It would sound just like regular tap-dancing, but soggier!

Anyway, if you want to get a taste for lumberjack sports, I recommend the Squamish Timber Sports Games in Sqamish, B.C., on ESPN3, or the Vicodin International Lumberjack and Lumberjill Games in Oconto, WI, also on ESPN3. The Vicodin International is the only event that I know of in which the chief sponsor is a schedule III narcotic.

Run, don't walk, to the nearest record store right now! Now turn around and run back home again!

Now you've burned off enough calories so that you can sit and listen to this CD a few times and not gain too much weight. The dazzlingly new album, "Down the Wrong Pipe," is guaranteed to be as loveable as your own children, and as magnificent as that necklace of human ears you made in Vietnam. As usual, the price is lung-shatteringly low at just $6, including shipping!

Have you fantasized about owning the rarest stamp in the world? When I was a kid I used to dream about that stamp with the upside-down airplane on it. Then I discovered girls. And then I discovered this stamp with 12 small tacos on it and forgot about girls completely. You, too, will lose interest in women once you see this stamp, and with enough of them, you can ship that mail-order bride back to Greece!

With warmest regards,