Dear Friends,
The Hard Taco song for February is called, "The King with Six Friends." This song is based on the children's book by the same name, which also happened to be my favorite bedtime story as a child. It's a gorgeously illustrated tale of adventure, magic, heroism, and the bonds of friendship. And if you skip the horribly sexist parts, it mostly holds up.
Countdown Stories- Children's Book Edition
I am excited to retell some of my other childhood favorites in a format I call Countdown Stories. The first of the 10 lines must have 10 words, the second line must have 9 words, and so on, with the goal of finishing the story by the final one-word line. For other great examples Countdown of Stories, check out this 2019 digest about some of my favorite movies.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
On Sunday, a baby caterpillar popped out of an egg
Every day that week, he consumed progressively larger portions
Nothing was good enough for this selfish slob
Meanwhile, a baby bird
Born that morning
Ate one
Butterfly
Before we start, can we agree that animals don't speak?
And different species certainly can't talk to each other
Let alone in English (especially not barn spiders.)
A spider's voice would be inaudibly quiet
Seriously, its lungs are basically microscopic!
And I noticed something else...
The name "Charlotte's Web"
Sounds like a
Porn site
www.charlottesweb.xxx
Goodnight Moon
Fill it with shadows, anthropomorphic animals, and trippy art
Like an exploded antebellum circus wagon on LSD
Do you find this cozy or terrifying?
Now say goodnight to each atrocity
See that woman whispering hush?
That's not a woman
That's Donnie Darko's
Rabbit Vision
(Shudder.)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
In the 1964 edition, Oompa Loompas were black African pygmies
That Wonka "discovered" and shipped to England in crates
Dahl literally wrote they were "rescued" into servitude
His loyal readers had no compunction whatsoever
About this sickeningly blatant pro-slavery stance
Following years of NAACP protests
Dahl finally rewrote it.
This shit's insane.
Read more
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
November 8, 2016, was a terrible horrible very bad day
I started thinking that maybe Alexander wasn't being dramatic
When he declared he would move to Australia
Relocating Down Under actually sounds awesome, right?
But the red tape is prohibitive
And realistically, there are
Right wing nuts everywhere
Even in Australia
Even in
Australia
The Bridge to Terabithia
There's a mischievous monkey and a man wearing yellow
And twelve little girls in two straight lines
Wait, I think I'm getting this confused
I haven't actually read that book
Or maybe Curious George.
Or Madeline. Whatever.
I prefer
Movies
With warmest regards,
Zach
