Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The Tourist's Secret Window to the Magic Kingdom

Dear Friends,

  The premier Hard Taco song for 2013 is called, "September Wedding." This song has words, but strangely, they are not rhyming words. Writing a song without rhyming lyrics is like setting a teacup on a saucer without an opulent paper doily. It's a little risky, because the guests are more likely to storm out of the house and say, "Why, I never!" But if the tea is good enough, patrons may view the absence of the doily as charmingly droll.

  Last Fall, we took a family trip to Orlando, and spent a couple days at "the happiest place on earth." That's my nickname for The National Vietnam War Museum. I knew the kids would love it, but the lines were terrible! Just to leave at the end of the day, we had to contend with this:

This is the shuttle to the parking lot, right?
Next time I go to the Vietnam War Museum, I'm getting Fast Pass tickets.

  We also managed to squeeze in a brief visit to Disney World. I discovered that there are two types of attractions at the Magic Kingdom: those based on Johnny Depp movies, and those not yet based on Johnny Depp movies. Here is my guide to the former.

Johnny Depp movie: Pirates of the Caribbean
Attraction: Pirates of the Caribbean
Come see some of the saltiest dogs who ever sacked the Spanish Main! This ride is not yet available at Tokyo Disneyland, but they do have a refreshment stand that claims to serve some of the saltiest dog.

Johnny Depp movie: Finding Neverland
Attraction: Peter Pan's Flight
There is also Peter Pan's Beer Flight, which you can order during the monorail pub crawl.

Johnny Depp movie: Alice in Wonderland
Attraction: The Mad Tea Party
Learn from my oversight of judgment... if you must go on this spinning tea cup ride, do so before drinking Peter Pan's Beer Flight.

Johnny Depp movie:  Sleepy Hollow
Attraction: Sleepy Hollow Refreshments
This is in the part of the park formerly called Liberty Square, which will soon be renamed The Libertine Square.
Sleepy Hollow Refreshments

Sleepy Hollow: The Sign
The upstairs offices are leased by Ichabod Craniofacial Surgeons
Johnny Depp movie: Public Enemies
Attraction: The Hall of Presidents 
Ooh snap! But seriously, Walt was an anarchist.

Johnny Depp movie: The Ninth Gate
Attraction: The entrance to the Magic Kingdom parking lot
The gate on the far right, the ninth one, is usually not that crowded. 

Johnny Depp movie: From Hell
Attraction: It's a Small World
There must be some kind of arcane invocation that will send them back.

Johnny Depp movie: Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street 
Attraction: Mr. Todd's Wild Ride
There is also the Harmony Barber Shop in the Main Street U.S.A. area. Apparently, they actually cut hair there, but that doesn't explain why the building has a smoke stack.

Johnny Depp movie:  Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Attraction: Cinderella's Castle
My kids waited in line to have this picture taken with Seen-dare-AY-yah.
In some regions it's pronounced Seen-dare-Asia.
Hola, princesa. Me llamo Malcolm. Eres tan hermosa como la puesta de sol.

Johnny Depp movie: The Corpse Bride
Attraction: The Haunted Mansion

Possibly also based on The Astronaut's Wife.

A large area of Fantasyland was blocked off when we were there, because they were building new rides and exhibits which should open later this year. Here are my predictions!

Johnny Depp movie: 21 Jumpstreet
Attraction: One Hundred and One Jumpstreets

Johnny Depp movie: What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Attraction: What's Eating Gilbert Gottfried, Who Played the Cranky Loud-Mouthed Parrot from Aladdin.

Johnny Depp movie: Blow
Attraction: Dopey the Dwarf's Rock Bottom Plunge

Johnny Depp movie: Don Juan DeMarco
Attraction: Mulan Juan DeMarco

Johnny Depp movie: Benny and Joon
Attraction: Benny and Jonas Brothers

Johnny Depp movie: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Attraction: Wreck-it (The Hotel Room) Ralph