Monday, June 1, 2015

The Bureau of Taco-hol, Tobacco, and Fire Sauce

Dear friends,

The Hard Taco song for June is called, "Cute As a Button." It's a Taco-rific Taco-gasmic Taco-palooza.

See what I did there? I started with an ordinary word (taco) and treated it to three bastard suffixes in the same sentence! This is not to say that words ending in -rific and -gasmic are not legitimate English. Quite to the contrary, these words are so pleasant and utterly NOT ANNOYING that babies born out of wedlock should be honored by the comparison.

I have this idea for a children's show called "Tards." It sounds offensive, but it's not what you think... Tards is actually short for Bastards. The main character is Bastard, a complete bastard who is always making up excuses for not doing his chores. His obstinate half-sibling, Conservatard, is also a complete bastard. You can tell just by looking at his smug face. The premise (which gives the title its rich double meaning), is that the two of them primarily talk in words with bastard suffixes.  Here's the opening scene of the pilot.

Tards - Episode 1
"The Shirk-monger"

Bastard: It must be May. The melting snow always sets off my May-dar.
Conservatard: It's melt-astic.
Bastard: It's defrostacular. But it's happening at an alarming rate.
Conservatard: Thawmageddon.
Bastard: Exactamundo... Thawpocalypse!
Conservatard: Check out the ground now. Stick-o-rama.
Bastard: Twigtopia?
Conservatard: Twignarok. No time for a May-cation. We're going to have a Spring Cleanupalooza this weekend.
Bastard: Sorry. Can't help out with the yard-workathon.
Conservatard: Why are you always such a slack-omatic shirk-aholic?
Bastard: I was a yard-workaholic, but I've been on the wagon since I got caught at school with an elevated blood yard-workohol level.
Conservatard: I remember that. It was scandalicious. Everyone was talking about yard-workgate.
Bastard: Bastards.

My second idea for a children's show is slightly more controversial. It's called "Three Litt7e Pigs." In it, my family wears fake animal noses and reenacts fairy tales. We will never explain why there is a 7 in the title.

The first episode is a totally straight rendition of the Three Little Pigs story.

Once we've secured our contract with PBS, we'll start filming the more obscure and morbid fairy tales, like "The Merry Headsman and the Randy Beggar," or "FrankenKeller: The Zombie Who Mastered Braille."

With warmest regards,