Tuesday, April 1, 2008

It's Never Just a Cigar

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for April, "Sleep Stages," concerns three actual dreams I have had within the last year.

The three dreams described in “Sleep Stages” are particularly enigmatic, so the lyrics of this song might be somewhat difficult to decipher (in contrast, you will agree, to every other Hard Taco song.) To avoid alienating anyone, I see no choice but to lash myself to the psychiatrist’s couch and attempt to interpret these dreams.

Without even scratching the surface, you can see it’s all here: Insecurity. Sex. Guilt. Self-loathing. Fear of commitment. A paternal-fetal-navel-fecal-feral complex. Now, let’s see what we get when we thrust the trowel of illumination a little deeper into the spongy burial mound of my submerged mind.

Dream 1: Permission to Run Free
In this dream, there are two blind fish. Fish 1 inquires, "Permission to run free, sir?" Fish 2 replies sternly, "Permission denied! Stapes do not run free."

Possible interpretation:
The stapes is a bone in the middle ear that conducts sound. "Stapes do not run free" probably means that listening to other people talk is keeping me from self-fulfillment.

Meanwhile, the most obvious characteristics of blind fish are that they smell bad and they see poorly. Thus, the failure of the subordinate fish to achieve autonomy signifies my desire to create something that smells good, such as a new line of perfumes. The fact that he is blind indicates that I long to embrace a visual aesthetic, perhaps by designing cool labels for my new line of men's and women's fragrances. "Permission Denied" could have a number of meanings, although I believe my subliminal self is suggesting Permission Denied as a brand name for a heady new fragrance.

Dream 2: Wedding Tables
In this dream, all of the tables at our wedding were decked out in customized white wedding dresses instead of tablecloths. During the prior three years of our engagement, each table dutifully came to the bridal boutique several times per year for fittings.

Possible interpretation:
The three-year engagement is obviously a reference to Cher, who is starting a three-year engagement at Caesar's Palace this May. I'm not sure what the rest of it means, but I am quite certain it has nothing to do with hidden feelings about my marriage, so shut up.

Dream 3: Fish Pix
In this dream, I catch fish and have them undergo post mortem plastic surgery to lengthen their bodies. Then I sell pictures of these surgically-enlarged fish on the internet. This obliges a unique customer demographic… perverts who want to look at pictures of REALLY BIG fish. For some reason, I accomplish this with actual surgery rather than just Photoshopping the pictures.

Possible interpretation:
While enlarging fish for the benefit of a bunch of internet deviants is sick (just plain sick, truly), I do have a legitimate interest in ichthyoplastics. As the dream implies, I have been strongly considering harnessing my medical background to open a cosmetic surgery clinic for fish. This is not just for the benefit of a few revolting seafood-fetishists (you make me sick, truly.) No, there are plenty of decent, God-fearing aquarium owners who have legitimate reasons for wanting to remove birthmarks, scars, or signs of aging from their marine companions.

Common procedures include scale transplantation and tattooing, unsightly scale removal, "dorse aug" (dorsal fin augmentation), anal finoplasty (tail lift), and caudal peduncle lateral line operculopexy (folding a fish in half and sewing the gills to the base of the tail). It is even possible for fish to undergo a species change. It isn’t discussed much in polite circles, but there are Oscars who hold a deep conviction that they should have been born Mollies. If a simple surgery could allow them to live the rest of their lives as Mollies, who are we to judge them?

After I wrote this, I used an online dream dictionary to break down each of these dreams. Check out the lyrics to “Sleep Stages” to see the professional interpretations and how they compare to these. If you ask me, they stink.

If, on the other hand, it is you who stinks, try spritzing your neck with a free sample of Permission Denied* for Men.

With warmest regards,

* Permission Denied is a woody, masculine fragrance reminiscent of oakmoss, bergamot, leather, calluses, salad bark, and tobacco musk.