Tuesday, March 1, 2005

Compost Toasties

Dear Friends,

Hard Taco records different types of songs, which are powered by different forms of energy. There are acoustic songs, which are powered by "kinetic energy," and electric songs, which are powered by "compost."  For those of you who don’t dabble in thermo-environmentalism, composting is the process of harnessing organic chemistry from clinical rot to power up some awesomely loud electric guitars.  The bad news is, the only things I routinely throw away are meat and metal shelves, neither of which is recommended for composting. In fact, I have to make three or four special trips to the grocery store a week to buy things that will eventually rot, like fresh cabbage and pizza crusts. When I get home, I place them directly onto the compost pile. One month later, we have enough electricity to record a medium-length song!

By the way, conventional electricity is measured in terms of watt-hours, but power is measured in Newtons, which is what we use (more expensive, but better sound quality.)

Anyway, that explains why we generally only record one song a month, and it also explains why I spend a lot of time in grocery store checkout lines.
If I happen to glance at the front page of certain periodicals every now and then, it's only because I'm checking them out for composting purposes. Now, I don't actually read tabloids, but I have noticed a disturbing trend that I find interesting for medical reasons.  Last week I saw a headline that read, "300 pound Kirstie Alley Collapses." One shelf below, another one said "Rosie O'Donnell goes on Binge, Collapses at Ranch." Do you see what’s going on? As it turns out, the endpoint of obesity is not heart disease or diabetes, but actual bodily collapse.
For those of you who have never seen someone collapse, it is much more dramatic than merely falling down. The way it works is this: You're gaining weight, gaining weight, and one day you reach a certain critical mass, cross some invisible threshold, and BAM! You suddenly undergo a violent process that is a cross between having a stroke and being instantly deboned. The other major feature that separates collapsing from traditional diseases is the emotional response of onlookers. Heart attacks, for instance, are generally felt to be terrible, while collapsing is usually described as disgusting and pathetic.

The Hard Taco Song this month is called "The Sewing Circle Kills Again." For the next 1000 years, everyone will think of this song whenever someone mentions "cool" and "March '05" in the same sentence. BELIEVE ME. After that, those words will probably remind people of something cool that happens in March, 3005. I don't recommend waiting that long. Get in on the ground floor and download this song today!

With warmest regards