Saturday, April 1, 2006

Weapons of Moon Destruction

Dear Friends,

This Hard Taco song for April is called, "Let's Dig Up Harry." This is the song that puts the Rave in Grave-robbing! It's 30% folky, 30% extreme and 100% free.

At the height of the Cold War, it was often said that Russia and the United States had enough nuclear warheads to blow up the entire world 10 times over. Of course, this would have required a fair amount of cooperation on the part of both nations, and the logistics of organizing it were probably prohibitive.

Since the Soviet Union dissolved, Russia has been left with a mere 22,500 nuclear missiles, while the U.S. still has about 12,000. The other confirmed nuclear powers have even fewer... China, Great Britain, France, Israel, India, and of course, Pakistan. With only 12-18 missiles, Pakistan clearly lacks the firepower to destroy the planet several times over. In fact, 12-18 nuclear warheads are barely enough to blow up the moon, and certainly not more than once. I had the opportunity to sit down with Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf to discuss his nuclear arsenal and other subjects in a rare interview...

HTP: Since your successful military coup in 1999, you have embraced the civil rights movement, denounced extremism and made enormous strides in the peace process with India. What has been the key to the success of your administration?

Musharraf: All of that may be true, but make no mistake - If the Federal Republic of Pakistan feels threatened in any way, I will not hesitate to use pre-emptive military force... and destroy the moon IN ITS ENTIRETY.

HTP: (pause) Your brother Naved lives in Chicago and is actively involved in an organization that supports increasing trade and dialogue between Pakistan and India. What does he think of your policies?

Musharraf: Naved is a fool. His apologist tea party will not deter me from carpet bombing the moon in a cataclysmic thermonuclear inferno. Not a day goes by that [Pakistani Prime Minister Shaukat] Aziz and I don't fight about who gets to push the big red buttons and rain vengeful hellfire on our lunar enemies. He thinks we should split them, but I feel that as President, it is my privilege to push all 12-18 buttons myself.

HTP: I see that you have made this the foundation of your reelection campaign. You ran a recent TV spot saying, and I quote, "Musharraf in 2007: I will personally destroy the moon without anyone's help. I will lay waste to it, reduce it to scorched rubble and slag in the name of Pervez Musharraf, and to a lesser degree the people of Pakistan. And perhaps Allah." Do you think that this accurately reflects the political climate in Pakistan?

Musharraf: Most definitely. I do not make false campaign promises. I will annihilate, despoil, and atomize the moon. I will ruthlessly blanket the lunar surface with ferocious mushroom clouds, grinding the entire terrestrial body into offal and debris. I will then incinerate this debris, torching whatever remains until it is nothing more than aerosolized particles screaming through deep space. This interview is over.


P.S. Here is the slogan from Pervez Musharraf's last election in 2001: "I like Hi-C because it comes in so many different flavors. The size of the box is convenient. If I had to pick a favorite? Probably Either Orange Lavaburst or Stawberry Kiwi Kraze. Vote for Musharraf!"