Monday, May 1, 2006

Let's Do the Timewarp, MacDuff

Dear Friends,

In this issue:
A. Rock Simply that Others may Simply Rock
B. Not Just for Pedophiles Anymore
C. Better than a Nose Zit, not as good as Entenmann's Glazed PopEms
D. Let's do the Timewarp, MacDuff

A. Rock Simply that others may Simply Rock
The Hard Taco song this month is called, "Stairwell of Bended Knees," and if you've got a battery-powered dancing Coke can with sunglasses, turn it on now... it will go absolutely NUTS to this song.

B. Not Just for Pedophiles Anymore
I have set up a Myspace Account for Hard Taco. Those of you who are over 14 are probably asking, "What's MySpace?" and "Where are my goddamn dentures, Gloria?" Time to bump up the Ditropan, you doddering old prune-beast. MySpace is a web community where bulimic teenagers and their favorite crappy bands can send each other flashy messages like "That's pimped!!!" and "Thanks for the ADHD!"

Hard Taco is changing all of that. The Hard Taco Myspace page openly welcomes moth-eaten carbuncle-encrusted relics like yourself to mingle freely with the beautiful people. It's also the only place in the universe where you can listen to the EXCLUSIVE release of "Down the Wrong Pipe," the eyebrow-furrowing title track from the upcoming Hard Taco album. I finally got the whole band together for this song, plus the entire lineup from USA for AFRICA!

C. Better than a Nose Zit, not as good as Entenmann's Glazed PopEms
The Hard Taco Project has received a GLOWINGLY NEUTRAL review on a popular website that I'm sure most of you visit frequently, Jeremy Broomfield makes Consumer Reports look like worthless crap. On the same page, he reviews Pedialyte, Tom Robbins, and nostril zits. I am proud to say that Hard Taco received higher marks than the nose pimples, but lower marks than a website dedicated to outlawing the use of the font 'Comic Sans.' Overall, I'd have to say that's a pretty appropriate assessment.

D. Let's do the Timewarp, MacDuff
I am amazed by modern adaptations of Shakespeare, because no contemporary director would even consider setting a Shakespeare play in Elizabethan England. They feel the need to put Juliet in fatigues, give her 80's hair, and have her lean off a portico in Managua, saying, "Art thou not Romeo, and a Sandonista?" I've seen everything from Hamlet set in Nazi Germany (where Claudius is Hitler and Hamlet's father represents the 6 million Jews) to Timon of Athens changed to a modern day San Fernando Valley high school dramady.

Furthermore, a good director should arbitrarily change the race or gender of one of the main characters. This trend took off in 1985 when Nell Carter starred in an Off-Broadway production of Henry V, coining the phrase, "Sugar, go get yo bad selves up on that breach one mo' time!" That’s not offensive at all!

This summer, I am excited to announce that the Stratford Shakespeare festival is putting on a version of MacBeth done Rocky-Horror Picture Show style. I would like to share a brief excerpt I saw on Good Morning America:
Witch 1: When shall we three meet again, in thunder lightning, or in rain?

(Audience: "When will you stop being a filthy slut?!")

Witch 2: When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost and won.
Witch 3: That will be ere the set of sun.
(Audience throws SunChips at the stage and starts pelvic thrusting somewhat apathetically.)

With Warmest Regards,
Hard Taco