Postcards from Panama, Part 1

The new Hard Taco Song for August: "Backup Torch Song" is ready to be enjoyed and feared. 

8/1/09

Dear Karen,

   Remember when you made me promise that if neither of us were married by August 2009, we should just give up looking for someone else and marry each other? I just happened to be near a calendar last night (at midnight) and realized that it is August 2009! I’ve been travelling all summer, but I will be back in the U.S. in a few weeks, and I thought maybe we could get together to laugh about that silly little promise we made in eighth grade, and how funny it is that we both remember it. I hope all is well.

With warmest regards,

Michael

8/4/09

Dear Karen,

   Have you seen that YouTube video with the 4-year-old who plays the gong? She plays very fast, with a great deal of confidence. The fact that she’s so young makes it even more amazing. I know it has been a long time since we’ve talked, but I think I still know the kind of thing that you would find amazing.

With warmest regards,

Michael

8/15/09

Dear Karen,

   I haven’t heard from you yet. What are you up to?! This is a picture of passenger ship I rode down the infamous Panama Canal today. The Captain told me that A) The average toll to take a ship through the Panama Canal is $54,000, and B) The lane with the attendant is actually quicker than the lane where you throw change in the basket. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve been sending these postcards to your parents’ house, because I’m not 100% sure I know where you live right now.

With warmest regards,

Michael

8/16/09

Dear Karen,

  Did you know there is a psychiatric disease that is unique to Panamanians? They call it Almejaldulterio. (It is a masculine word even when a woman has the disease.) The afflicted person becomes convinced, despite reasonable evidence to the contrary, that a clam is wearing their clothes and aiming to replace them in the workplace and the wedding bed. Pilar told me about a movie (a thriller) in which a clam really is wearing this woman’s clothes, and nobody believes her because they think she has Almejalduterio. In case you were wondering, Pilar is a friend who I know because she works at the place I go to rent inner tubes.

With warmest regards,

Michael

8/17/09

Dear Karen,

   The natural beauty here is amazing. I have never seen so many trees packed in so tightly. Pilar drives a Toyota pickup truck with flames painted on the back half of it. The flames make it look like the truck is backing up really fast. She needs a pickup truck for her job because she has to carry stacks of inner tubes upstream after people are done riding them. I am not telling you this to make you jealous. Interestingly, many people have commented to each other that she is quite attractive, but I just see her as a close friend.  Please write me back and acknowledge that you received the ocarina I sent you. It is nothing special, except that it was very expensive because it was made out of something called vegetable ivory. Hope you’re doing well!!! Please write back.

With warmest regards,

Michael

8/17/09

Dear Karen,

   I still haven’t heard from you, and I’m wondering if it is because you’ve had second thoughts about keeping that promise you made on the evening of August 1, 1989. I’m positive that we promised each other that we would get married exactly twenty years later, because I wrote it down at the time. I’ve been thinking about how much you’d love Panama, especially because the people here are so vigilant about defending the rain forests. The objective is to minimize the impact on wildlife and their habitats. With that in mind, do you think we should just go ahead and have the wedding down here? I don’t care either way.

With warmest regards,

Michael

P.S. If you are already married to someone else, please let me know, because that would be totally fine with me. Just let me know.