The Hard Taco song for August, "Goblin Bride," features a solo by an instrument at a formant frequency that is imperceptible to human ears.
With warmest regards,
Zach
Postcards from Panama, Part 4
(This has become an annual installment. You can review the rest of the series here: part 1, part 2, and part 3.)
5/22/2012
Dear Karen,
I wanted to send your father something for Father's Day because when you and I marry, he will be my dad too! Isn't that weird? I emailed my own parents and asked them if your dad has a career, and they wrote back that he is a some kind of medieval executive. What an intriguing job! This information has substantially helped me focus my gift search. I am now debating whether to get him a monogrammed chalice, tankard, goblet, or little glass potion bottle. Since you probably see him more often than I do (I haven't seen him in over 20 years), can you fill me in on the type of monogrammed medieval vessel that he would most like to store his fluids in at work?
I will also need to know his middle initial.
Do you think he'd prefer to be called Pop or just Karen's Dad? I will use whichever term is better for expressing the utmost respect.
With warmest regards,
Michael
6/1/2012
Dear Karen,
I went back and reread the email from my folks, and I realized that they were calling your father a "mid level executive," not a medieval one. I'm embarrassed! Please don't tell him I'm dyslexic, because I'm not. I haven't seen a neuro-psychologist to verify this, but I'm pretty sure I just misread that one word. If you want me to see a neuro-psychologist, I will, but just for reassurance.
I have decided to proceed with sending your father the monogrammed chalice, tankard, goblet, and potion bottle for Father's Day, if that's okay. The way I see it, he will need to remain well-hydrated if wants to become an upper level executive!
I also bought him a monogrammed flagon.
Do you think Karen's Mom would like a monogrammed flagon, as well? What is her middle initial? Even if your parents don't work at the same office, they can both drink from their respective monogrammed flagons at a predetermined time and feel some kind of interesting marital connection. I know you and I will have that kind of connection! :)
With warmest regards,
Michael
7/3/2012
Dear Karen,
There is a church a couple blocks from my apartment called Iglesia de Plácido Domingo ("Church of Calm Sunday.") They do weddings there, sometimes. I made an appointment with the local padre and recommended that he put up a sign, close to the street, with interchangeable letters. He didn't realize that all of the best churches in the U.S. have these. Once I saw a particularly pithy church sign that said, "To prevent sinburn, use Sonscreen." The padre didn't seem to understand why it was so pithy, even when I translated it into Spanish. Nonetheless, he was clearly impressed when I told him that such a sign would increase his congregation by 10%.
I confess (to you, not him) that I made up that figure, but good news: when I got home that day, I went through the calculations, and it turns out that my estimate of 10% was almost exactly correct!
With warmest regards,
Michael
7/16/2012
Dear Karen,
Do you wonder why I keep sending you dozens of post-cards instead of just sending you one or two really long emails? Part of the reason is that I need to use up several sheets of hammerhead shark-themed postage stamps I bought a few months ago. A percentage of the sale of these stamps is going to protect this misunderstood species from the poaching nets of vigilante fisherfolk.
Also, I don't have your email address! Please send it to me as soon as possibly convenient. Don't worry... you'll still be able to see scenic and historical images of Panama, because I plan to scan new postcard pictures and send them as attachments with each email! I don't know whether or not it's legal to scan postage stamps without canceling them first, but I'll find out. In the meantime, I've been practicing canceling them by hand, just in case that is what I'm supposed to do.
With warmest regards,
Michael
7/19/2012
Dear Karen,
The dwarf lanternshark is the smallest shark in the world. That is probably why it is featured on the one centisimo stamp. I bought several pages of dwarf lanternshark one centisimo stamps just in case the postal rates go up, but they have not, so I've started putting a couple on each postcard as a gratuity for the postal worker. Gracias! I admit that two centisimos is a modest gratuity, but postcards aren't very heavy.
I will start tipping more if you worry that I'm being stingy.
With warmest regards,
Michael
7/23/2012
Dear Karen,
I tried to get an appointment with a neuro-psychologist to help prove I don't have dyslexia, but the person I called turned out to be a handwriting analyst. Her name is Señora Chen, DSSH. I didn't know if I could trust a stranger with a full handwriting sample, so I sent her a couple pages of lower case m's. She studied it closely and told me that I was spirited, wary, and ignoble. Impressive, right? If you ever write me back, I would like your permission to have Señora Chen, DSSH analyze your handwriting, too. I'm not sure what the letters after her name stand for, but I think it is some kind of advanced degree that will qualify her to tell us that you and I are a good match for each other.
With warmest regards,
Michael
7/27/2012
Dear Karen,
I've happened to notice that you haven't written me back. Probably this is because you would like for to send you a template. How is this?
"Dear Michael, it's Karen here, hand writing a letter for easy analysis. I agree that postal workers should get a very small gratuity for each postcard, but that it will add up over time. Here's a funny word I heard. <____________> ! If you don't think it's funny, I guess you had to be there! I miss you and I'm sorry I haven't written in recent years. Here is the email address I use for personal communications: <___________>. I check it regularly. XOXO, Karen."With warmest regards,
Michael
