Dear Friends,
The Hard Taco song for August is the named, "Worth the While," and I like to think it is aptly titled.
Meanwhile, here is the annual installment of "Postcards from Panama." If you need a refresher on the puzzling relationship of our heroes, you can find it here.
Postcards From Panama, Part 7
8/5/15
Dear Karen,
You will be pleased to know that I am a philanthropist now. I donated some of my hair to an organization called, “Locks of Lust.” They are a non-profit that provides used clumps of hair to very sick people. (Apparently, some of the sickest!) It’s not a big deal, except that now I am getting to be known for my beneficence and my large bald spot.
With warmest regards,
Michael
8/9/15
Dear Karen,
Would you like me to send you a picture of my new comb over? A growing number of people (mostly women our age or slightly younger) have commented to each other about how tasteful it is. I will send you some photos that showcase my comb over from different tasteful angles.
Unfortunately, there is only one place around here that develops film, and I don’t trust the suspicious-looking boy who works there. What if he makes extra copies of my comb over pictures for his own purposes? I know this photo is important to you, so I will risk it.
With warmest regards,
Michael
8/11/15
Dear Karen,
My neighbor, Dignidad, is in a support group for people who suffer from emotional eating. I sometimes eat when I am hungry. I assume hunger is an emotion, so perhaps I should join the group? They meet on Thursday afternoons at one of the mall kiosks. It is next to the place that develops film, so I can excuse myself from the support group every few minutes to spy on the suspicious-looking film boy.
With warmest regards,
Michael
8/14/15
Dear Karen,
What a night! You would be amazed to learn about all the different emotions that can lead to binge eating! Obviously, sadness is the big one, but tonight I met people who stuff their faces when they feel all kinds of things... timid, detached, trusting, or even indignant.
As you may expect, there was much less diversity in the type of foods involved. Everyone in the support group overeats the same traditional diet of plantains, root vegetables, and tropical fruits.
With warmest regards,
Michael
8/15/15
Dear Karen,
The woman who mediates the emotional eating support group is named Nobleza Moralidad, which means Nobility Morality. She is a recovering emotional eater, and she has a Panamanian Unibrow. This is different from the unibrows you see in the United States, where the two eyebrows meet in the middle of the forehead. Nobleza Moralidad’s eyebrows extend outwards around the sides of the head and meet in the back. It is very unflattering, but I won’t tell her that, because it might send her into a corkscrew of shame and cause her to relapse.
With warmest regards,
Michael
8/20/15
Dear Karen,
Nobleza Moralidad invited me to dinner at her favorite mid-scale restaurant, Chorizo on Skewers. I assumed she was vetting me to verify my status as a card-carrying emotional eater.
Over dinner, I mostly talked about you, and about how we agreed to get married after 20 years if both of us were still single. This made me a little emotional (4 on a 10 point scale), so I ate three chorizo skewers. I told her that you and I never got around to exchanging promise rings, but if we had, I wouldn’t be able to wear one anymore because my fingers had become fat from all of the emotional eating. After that, I cried for fifteen minutes and ate ten more chorizo skewers. Mostly, I ate them with my mouth open, so I could keep crying.
As we were leaving the restaurant, she informed me that she had not been vetting me for the support group. It turns out that our dinner had been a date! Either way, I think it went pretty well.
With warmest regards,
Michael
8/22/15
Dear Karen,
Oh no! There was an old mestizo woman selling photos of my comb over at the Farmer’s Market today! I don’t know how she got them, but I am positive that it has something to do with the suspicious-looking boy at the photo shop! The silver lining to this whole fiasco is that I was able to buy every copy she had, and I will send them all to you shortly. Would you prefer them in 12-panel frame or a more organic-looking photo collage?
With warmest regards,
Michael
8/25/15
Dear Karen,
I broke up with Nobleza Moralidad this afternoon. I could tell she was angry, because she immediately turned around and started gorging herself with plantains and root vegetables. The other clue to her anger was the furrowed unibrow on the back of her head.
Karen, I know that you and I have been “keeping it loose,” but I think I’m finally ready to take it to the next level with you. Please write back and let me know your daytime phone number and how you are doing. Also, please include detailed information regarding whether you think that taking it to the next level is something we should do this very minute, or if we should wait a couple more weeks. I am willing to wait two weeks so your co-workers don’t accuse you of being my rebound wife.
With warmest regards,
Michael
