Dear Friends,
The latest Hard Taco song, "Auction House," answers the age old question: When will somebody finally sing about mysterious rich people bidding on strange historical artifacts? (Spoiler alert: The answer is 7.5 seconds after you click that link.)
Having lived in Ann Arbor for almost half my life, I have been trained to believe that Columbus, Ohio is a filth pit of boring jealous annoying bland mediocrity. But I've been hanging out in Columbus this weekend, and real talk, it's totally fine. I mean, it's still probably the worst place in Ohio, but just barely.
This got me thinking about how my worldview may have been biased by the local sports rivalries in the six places I've lived.
1. Rochester, New York.
Rochester Red Wings versus Syracuse Mets. (Minor league baseball.)
I only lived in upstate New York for the first six months of my life, but even as an infant I knew these team names were problematic. The fact that there are two teams called "The Red Wings" on the same planet is absurd, but at least they play different sports in different states. "But the Syracuse Mets? Are you kidding me right now?" (I put that in quotes, because my family tells me that those were my first words.)What's to stop one of the Syracuse outfielders from going into a restaurant and making a misleading announcement such as, "I'm a New York... Met... Baseball Player?"
At the time I lived there, I found it hard to articulate why this possibility bothered me so much, so I showed my concern the only way I knew how... spitting up formula on someone's shoulder.
2. Houghton, Michigan.
Biggest rivalry: Houghton Gremlins versus Hancock Bulldogs. (Hockey)
What a fun rivalry! These neighboring high schools have the most diehard fans. More specifically, they have the most DieHard fans. In Michigan's frigid upper peninsula, you can't trust your snowplow's electrical system to a cut-rate ACDelco or Everstart.
3. Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Green Bay Packers versus Chicago Bears. (Football)
In 1923, Curly Lambeau relinquished the ownership of The Packers to the public, selling shares of stock for only $5. The first thousand shareholders convened that October to choose among five team slogans that Lambeu proposed:
- The Bears Still Suck!
- The Bears Suck Still!
- The Bears Suck! Still...
- Suck the Still, Bears!
- The Still Bears Suck
The final option listed above was not chosen as the winner but drew the attention of Robert Frost who went on to write a poem by that title. Critics praised this work, noting that it captured a quiet reflective moment in nature, while also being a timeless and sick burn about the haplessness of the Chicago team.
4. Providence, Rhode Island.
Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton. A few others I forget. How did these schools end up being in a league together.
Even though these teams had been competing in athletic competitions since the 1760s, it wasn't until 1954 that they officially branded themselves the I.V. League, after the roman numeral IV. At the time, this was the GPA requirement for admission. Fortunately for prospective students, the admission standards were soon lowered to account for philanthropic considerations. They briefly considered changing it from IV to II (their GPA admission requirement for wealthy legacy students), but the "Aye Aye League" was already in use by US Naval Academy and their fellow maritime universities.
So in the end, Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton, and the others I forget planted a bunch of vines, and agreed to rebrand themselves as an Ivy League.
5. Madison, Wisconsin.
Wisconsin Badgers versus the Marquette Golden Eagles. (Men's Basketball)
This much-anticipated showdown is often known as the "I-94 Rivalry," because the interstate connects Milwaukee to Madison.
But I-94 also connects Chicago, Detroit, Fargo, Minneapolis, Grand Rapids, and others. A conservative estimate would be that that there are 30 schools off I-94, and each has an average of 16 men's or women's sports teams. Based on that, there are approximately 6,960 permutations of an "I-94 Rivalry."
And with that statistic, I have finally found the first practical use for AI.
6. Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Michigan Wolverines versus Ohio State Buckeyes. (Football)
So far, everyone I've met in Columbus this weekend is a staunch Buckeye fan. Random people on the street literally bleed scarlet (when I garrote them with a piano wire.)
With warmest regards,
Zach
