Album Drip/Drop

Dear Friends,

The new Hard Taco album, Oddly Specific, drips today! 

Real talk: The word drip is mostly associated with unpleasant imagery such as leaky faucets, gonorrhea, and incontinence. But drop is even worse... Dropping a vase, moose droppings, dropping acid, dropping out of school, and precipitous temperature drops. So I went with drip, manifesting that this album will drip like a hot brown espresso shot. It's got ten great songs (out of eleven), including the new Hard Taco tune for this month, "Freeze Tag." 

In theory, you may now listen to Oddly Specific wherever you stream your music, whether that's Spotify (most Earthlings), Pandora (my parents), YouTube (Eastern European bots) or Apple Music (Nostalgic roadies who worked on U2's Songs of Innocence tour.) 

So sprint to the nearest planet that has wi-fi and give it a listen, and thanks for supporting whatever the heck this thing is!

With warmest regards,
Zach

Hard Taco Digest - The Avril Lavigne Reader's Club

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for November is called, "Jen's Got a Second Book Group." It's dedicated to my sister, who is not named Jen, but has almost certainly committed book group infidelity on multiple occasions. 

I wanted to pitch a variation on the traditional book group. How about a book group... aimed at kids... featuring picture-only books... about 2000's radio hits? 

As a proof of concept, I've storyboarded a few sample books. See if you can figure what line is represented by each image.

Book 1:

1-1

1-2

1-3

1-4

1-5

1-6

Book 2:

2-1

2-2

2-3

2-4

2-5

Book 3:

3-1

3-2

3-3

3-4

3-5

3-6

3-7

3-8

With warmest regards,

Zach

Answer Key:

1. Teenage Dirtbag

1-1. Her name is Noelle. I have a dream about her. She rings my bell. I got gym class in half an hour. Oh, how she rocks In Keds and tube socks

1-2. I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby. Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me.

1-3. Her boyfriend's a dick. And he brings a gun to school and he'd simply kick my ass if he knew the truth. He lives on my block and he drives an IROC.

1-4. I feel like mold. It's prom night and I am lonely.

1-5. I got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby. Come with me Friday, don't say maybe.

1-6. Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby like you

2. Party in the U.S.A.

2-1. Hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan

2-2. Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time Look to my right, and I see the Hollywood sign

2-3. So I put my hands up, they're playing my song, the butterflies fly away

2-4. Get to the club in my taxi cab, everybody's looking at me know like, "Who's that chick that's rocking' kicks?"

2-5. All I see are stilettos. I guess I never got the memo"

3. Sk8r Boi

3-1. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? He was a punk. She did ballet. What more can I say?

3-2. He wanted her. She'd never tell secretly she wanted him, as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose. They had a problem with his baggy clothes

3-3. She had a pretty face but her head was up in space She needed to come back down to earth.

3-4. Five years from now she sits at home feeding the baby. She's all alone.

3-5. She turns on TV. Guess who she sees... Skater boy rockin' up MTV.

3-6. She calls up her friends. They already know and they've all got tickets to see his show.

3-7. She tags along and stands in the crowd, looks up at the man that she turned down. 

3-8. Sorry, girl, but you missed out. Well, tough, luck that boy's mine now We are more than just good friends. This is how the story ends

Oh-So-Great Dog Moments Captured on Film

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for October is a pop-punk banger about doghood called, "Someone's Got the Zoomies." 

But let's back up. It's May 23, 2020. School is online. Summer camp is cancelled. So far, Scarlett (15) and Malcolm (12) have spent Saturday in their rooms watching The West Wing and playing Minecraft, respectively. 

Lauren lures them out with a snack and drags them downstairs. She has devised an escape-room style puzzle for them. It's going to take an hour, and they are going to have to work together. At first, they grumble. But soon they get into it. 

Then, something happens that none of us expected. 

https://youtu.be/5DcL74FcF2A

If you have no patience for cute kids, clever puzzles, or trumpet practice, just skip to around 7:36.  

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with joy that it left you completely devastated? Now go back and watch the ending a second time. The best part of this movie isn't Scarlett's explosive catharsis, but her impressionable younger brother trying to match her energy. At first, Malcolm is happy, but when he sees her reaction, he starts moaning and writhing around.  He even hides in the closet, because that seems to be what the circumstances call for. 

So we got a dog that summer. Ozo is a mini labradoodle, and here is the dog version of his Madden stats: 

• Fluffiness 98
• Affection 94
• Protectiveness 92
• Playfulness 88
• Vision 34
• Squirrel Awareness 89
• Obedience 16
• Sock Destructiveness 100

This week, I was reorganizing a closet for Fortress Party prep, and a found Malcolm's trumpet, unused since shortly after its appearance in the escape room video. I fingered the valves a little and managed to blow out a few strangled "notes." And suddenly, there's Ozo, and he starts...singing? He is four years old, and this is the first time this ever happened. 

https://youtu.be/5jjkykhLUwo

If I’m ever having a not-so-great day, please play me these videos. Or even just remind me that they exist. 

And I will immediately start having an oh-so-great day. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Parent(hetical) Trap

Dear Friends,

Last year, Malcolm was cast in the role of Fred in the Pioneer High School production of Oklahoma! Fred is one of the farmers who attends town meetings and social gatherings, nodding and clapping people on the back. Occasionally, he shouts plot-moving interjections like "Sure is!" or "That's right!" or "Go on, tell us!"

Malcolm was wonderful. Fred is supposed to be a chorus member but audiences agreed that Malcolm brought the energy and gravitas of a Featured Supplementary Supporting Character. It was a definitely a proud parenting moment for us!

This month's Hard Taco song, "The Barber and the Plow Driver (Should Fight)," is an attempt to recapture that old-style musical magic. Both the kids play small roles, and I daresay they elevate their characters from Featured Townspersons to Memorable Civilian Taxpayer Inhabitants. 

The key to the success of this song is that it has parentheses in the tile. That puts it in distinguished company! Parentheses can transform a forgettable B-Side into an instant Billboard Top 10 single. Just look at what happened to "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" and "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)."

Going forward, I will no longer waste time inventing new song titles from whole cloth. Rather, I will take existing popular songs with parentheses in their titles, and simply swap the parenthetical parts. Listeners will be primed to love these songs, but they won't know why! Here are my planned mashups:

The Blue Oyster Cult and Aretha Franklin

• "(You Make Me Feel Like) The Reaper"
• "(Don't Fear) A Natural Woman"

Elton John and The Offspring

• Pretty Fly (For Fighting)
• Saturday Night's Alright (For a White Guy)

T. Rex and R.E.M.

• Bang a Gong (And I Feel Fine)
• It's The End of the World As We Know It (Get it On)

AC/DC and the Beatles 

• I Want You (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll)
• It's a Long Way to the Top (She's So Heavy)

The Beastie Boys and James Taylor

• (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Be Loved By You)
• How Sweet It Is (To Party)

Meatloaf and U2

• I'd Do Anything For Love (In the Name of Love)
• Pride (But I Won't Do That)

Train and They Might be Giants

• Istanbul (Tell Me)
• Drops of Jupiter (Not Constantinople)

Green Day and Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes

• (I've Had) (The Time of Your Life)
• Good Riddance The Time of My Life

Elton John and Cutting Crew

• (I Just) (Think It's Going To Be A Long, Long Time)
• Rocket Man Died In Your Arms

ABBA and Otis Redding

• (Sittin' On) (A Man After Midnight)
• Gimme Gimme Gimme The Dock of the Bay

Kelly Clarkson and Elvis Costello

• Stronger Peace Love, and Understanding
• (What's So Funny Bout) (What Doesn't Kill You)

Brittney Spears and The Proclaimers

• (You Drive Me) (500 Miles)
• I'm Gonna Be Crazy

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Girl Scout-Killing Memory Palace

Dear Friends, 

Do you ever feel like you've stuffed your tender little mind with so much knowledge that 90% of it falls out the back?  Today, we change that. Today, you learn how to remember all the things. Today, you learn to build a memory palace.

Read this passage:

Please excuse my dad's alarming savagery. Someone offered him cocaine and he's tripped out apeshit crazy aggressive and bloodthirsty, just screaming and causing carnage. Here comes Pops, malevolently killing hundreds dead. Basically, Dad's committing mass murder while avoiding justice. Mass murder! Dude keeps pouring cement on freakin' Girl Scouts. Everything's absolutely awful. Nobody anticipated such abject atrocities. 

Now read it again. Picture the narrator, the deranged father, the victims. Imagine the way their chests move like rolling waves when they breathe. Picture the bulging vein on the father's forehead, the smell of fresh cement, the satisfying mouthfeel of Thin Mints. Now, read the passage again, to thoroughly anchor these vivid images in your mind. 

What just happened?

In "The Karate Kid," there is classic scene where Daniel unknowingly learns karate blocks by developing muscle memory from the rote repetition of staining a fence and waxing Miyagi's back. (Shut up, I haven't seen the movie in a while.)

Well, you just did the same thing. You thought you were reading a disturbing parable about a drug-fueled killing spree, but you were building a memory palace for all of the world's knowledge. Prepare to amaze yourself with what you've just learned!

The order of operations in mathematics

Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction

Please Excuse My Dad's Alarming Savagery.

Trigonometry

Sine = Opposite/Hypotenuse, Cosine = Adjacent/Hypotenuse, Tangent = Opposite/Adjacent

Someone offered him cocaine and he's tripped out apeshit

The order of Henry VIIIs Wives

Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Ann of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr

Crazy aggressive and bloodthirsty, just screaming and causing carnage. Here comes Pops. 

The Metric System Prefixes, Largest to Smallest

Mega-, Kilo-, Hecto-, Deca-, (Base), Deci-, Centi-, Milli-, Micro-

Malevolently Killing Hundreds Dead. Basically, Dad's Committing Mass Murder.

The First Five U.S. Presidents

Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe

While Avoiding Justice. Mass Murder!

The Taxonomy Hierarchy:

Domain, Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species

Dude Keeps Pouring Cement On Freakin' Girl Scouts!

The Earth's Continents

Europe, Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Australia, Antarctica

Everything's absolutely awful. Nobody anticipated such abject atrocities. 

The Hard Taco song for August is called, "Deer in the Headphones," and it will teach you the rest of everything. 

 

With warmest regards, 

Zach

Sports Rivalries!

Dear Friends,

The latest Hard Taco song, "Auction House," answers the age old question: When will somebody finally sing about mysterious rich people bidding on strange historical artifacts? (Spoiler alert: The answer is 7.5 seconds after you click that link.)

Having lived in Ann Arbor for almost half my life, I have been trained to believe that Columbus, Ohio is a filth pit of boring jealous annoying bland mediocrity. But I've been hanging out in Columbus this weekend, and real talk, it's totally fine. I mean, it's still probably the worst place in Ohio, but just barely. 

This got me thinking about how my worldview may have been biased by the local sports rivalries in the six places I've lived. 

1. Rochester, New York. 

Rochester Red Wings versus Syracuse Mets. (Minor league baseball.)

I only lived in upstate New York for the first six months of my life, but even as an infant I knew these team names were problematic. The fact that there are two teams called "The Red Wings" on the same planet is absurd, but at least they play different sports in different states. "But the Syracuse Mets? Are you kidding me right now?" (I put that in quotes, because my family tells me that those were my first words.)

What's to stop one of the Syracuse outfielders from going into a restaurant and making a misleading announcement such as, "I'm a New York... Met... Baseball Player?" 

At the time I lived there, I found it hard to articulate why this possibility bothered me so much, so I showed my concern the only way I knew how... spitting up formula on someone's shoulder. 

2. Houghton, Michigan. 

Biggest rivalry: Houghton Gremlins versus Hancock Bulldogs. (Hockey)

What a fun rivalry! These neighboring high schools have the most diehard fans. More specifically, they have the most DieHard fans. In Michigan's frigid upper peninsula, you can't trust your snowplow's electrical system to a cut-rate ACDelco or Everstart.

3. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 

Green Bay Packers versus Chicago Bears. (Football)

In 1923, Curly Lambeau relinquished the ownership of The Packers to the public, selling shares of stock for only $5. The first thousand shareholders convened that October to choose among five team slogans that Lambeu proposed:

• The Bears Still Suck! 
• The Bears Suck Still!
• The Bears Suck! Still... 
• Suck the Still, Bears!
• The Still Bears Suck 

The final option listed above was not chosen as the winner but drew the attention of Robert Frost who went on to write a poem by that title. Critics praised this work, noting that it captured a quiet reflective moment in nature, while also being a timeless and sick burn about the haplessness of the Chicago team. 

4. Providence, Rhode Island. 

Brown Bears versus Harvard Crimson. (Hockey)

Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton. A few others I forget. How did these schools end up being in a league together. 

Even though these teams had been competing in athletic competitions since the 1760s, it wasn't until 1954 that they officially branded themselves the I.V. League, after the roman numeral IV. At the time, this was the GPA requirement for admission. Fortunately for prospective students, the admission standards were soon lowered to account for philanthropic considerations. They briefly considered changing it from IV to II (their GPA admission requirement for wealthy legacy students), but the "Aye Aye League" was already in use by US Naval Academy and their fellow maritime universities. 

So in the end, Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton, and the others I forget planted a bunch of vines, and agreed to rebrand themselves as an Ivy League. 

5. Madison, Wisconsin.

Wisconsin Badgers versus the Marquette Golden Eagles. (Men's Basketball)

This much-anticipated showdown is often known as the "I-94 Rivalry," because the interstate connects Milwaukee to Madison. 

But I-94 also connects Chicago, Detroit, Fargo, Minneapolis, Grand Rapids, and others. A conservative estimate would be that that there are 30 schools off I-94, and each has an average of 16 men's or women's sports teams. Based on that, there are approximately 6,960 permutations of an "I-94 Rivalry."

And with that statistic, I have finally found the first practical use for AI. 

6. Ann Arbor, Michigan. 

Michigan Wolverines versus Ohio State Buckeyes. (Football) 

So far, everyone I've met in Columbus this weekend is a staunch Buckeye fan. Random people on the street literally bleed scarlet (when I garrote them with a piano wire.)

With warmest regards,

Zach

Who Is Humphrey?

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for June, "Humphrey," is the theme song for Field Cut, a new neurology-themed board game that I am about to release. For a preview, visit the Neurdgames website. 

In this game, there's a little guy in a yellow hat named Humphrey, and players take turns moving him around a map of the brain and trying to outsmart each other.

We gave him that name in reference to the Humphrey Visual Field test, an automated diagnostic tool used by eye doctors to assess a patient's visual fields. 

I tried to learn more about the namesake of the test, Robert H.S. Humphrey, but he doesn't have much of an internet presence. All I could find was this weirdly cropped picture of a man that very well could be him. 

Since uploading that picture, I learned that the Humphrey Visual Field device was invented in the 1980s. So I guess this picture is not accurate... he should be wearing shoulder pads and a Hypercolor T-Shirt. 

According to the few public records of his life, Robert H.S. Humphrey was not the inventor of the device that bears his name; he merely popularized it. This would not be the first or last time we named something after an influencer. Oprah Winfrey did not invent the book club, and Gabriel Fahrenheit merely popularized things having a temperature. 

But there isn't enough known about Humphrey to write a song about him, so I'm giving him an origin story that will tie the whole concept together. In this song, Humphrey is a grizzled, saddle-weary Old West sheriff with homonymous hemianopsia, a neurologic problem that prevents him from seeing anything in the right half of either eye.  Humphrey is a rugged quick draw who brings his brand of frontier justice to any outlaw, as long as they are committing their crooked deeds in the left half of his vision. 

With warmest regards,

Zach