The Hard Taco song for May is called, "Look Busy." If I had to describe this song in just one word, I would choose punchy, upbeat, catchy, poignant, melodic, gripping, lush, gritty, heartfelt, playful, hypnotic, edgy, slick, or haunting.
The 30th Anniversary Edition of Super Mario 64, the iconic Nintendo game, is due to drop in the coming months. Nintendo has promised that the launch will feature a trove of from-the-vault content --- previously unreleased levels and region-specific missions that never saw global distribution. Here is a walkthrough of some of those long-shelved adventures, none of which was considered problematic in 1996.
Peach's Fat Camp
Ground-pound the Weigh-in Scale to trigger the gate to the dining hall. The way forward ia blocked by hungry Fat Toadettes who will try to eat you. Pick up Bob-onbons and press B to throw them to the far side of the room. The Toadettes will race towards the candy, clearing your way to the stairwell. None of the Toadettes will attempt to follow you up the stairs, because they are too fat.
At the top, there is a boss battle face off against the boss, Fat Peach, who will angrily insist that the Lakitu Cam adds 10 pounds. Punch her in the face every time she stops nagging you long enough to take a breath. Once you have blackened both of her eyes, she will vomit up a stream of intact deserts, along with a Power Star. Having done so, she will return to her normal size and sweet demeanor. Collect the Power Star, at which point Mario will inexplicably exclaim, "Better than a-Peach's cooking, am I right?"
Repressy Ruins
Start in a parked car outside the therapist's office. Sit there for 10 minutes getting up the nerve to go in. Run through the front door into a dim, wood-paneled office and approach the Koopa wearing a cardigan. Notice that it is holding a clipboard which says, "Mario claims he isn't even sure why he's here and insists he's fine."
Triple jump into the mirrored hallway, where you will see a self-reflection, along with an image of Luigi jumping higher, collecting more coins, and rescuing Princess after Princess. This sets Mario into a spiral, causing him to sink through the floor to the level below. Subconscious fears of inadequacy emerge from the Warp Pipe at progressively faster rates. Jump onto the pipe and pound them back down. Keep pounding them down, long after it is clear they are not reemerging. Once Mario is weeping uncontrollably, run towards the sign that says, "Let it a-go!" Before you reach it, time expires and Mario warps back to his car, 10 coins poorer. Try again in two weeks.
Yaaas World 64
Search the main level of the castle for an unnaturally excited Toad stylist who will fit you with high heels, lipstick and a wig. Now jump into the Yaaas World 64 painting, where you must infiltrate Bowser's high society gala disguised as Peach. In each room, you will be swarmed by amorous Goombas, whose eyes will pop in and out of their heads as you strut by. If you push the Z button to crouch, the Goombas' tongues will hang out and their bowties will spin around in circles. If you accidentally bump into an obstacle and pop either of the balloons that you stuffed into your corset, the Goombas will immediately recognize you as Mario and kill you.
Bob-ombay Battlefield, Jolly Raja Bay and Tikka Tock Clock
Three levels were changed slightly for the Indian release, Super Maharaja 64. In Bob-ombay Battlefield, find Lui-Ghee, who will help you unlock the Tan-Door, collect the 8 red curry coins and defeat Chai Guy.
Jungle Gentrification
Warp into a primitive jungle level wearing an explorer's pith helmet. A Toadette with a tiki mask and a bone in her hair will greet you at the entrance to the native village. Stomp on her and take her fire flower. Sprint through the village and torch the native huts while avoiding the banana-worshipping, spear-throwing monkey-themed Toad tribal warriors. Once all the huts are burned to the ground, tip the over their golden banana statue so it falls into the fire. This will break the curse cast on them by their pagan god. They will remove their coconut masks and pick up briefcases, becoming productive, civilized Toads.
With warmest regards,
Zach
