Since Sliced Bread

Dear Friends,

The new Hard Taco song is called, "Apology Not Accepted," and it's the first thing since sliced bread. That's right, it's not the best thing since sliced bread, but the first thing. 

Think about it. Pre-sliced bread was first sold on July 7, 1928 in Chillicothe, Missouri by Otto Frederick Rohwedder. In the intervening century, there have been no events. Not a single remarkable or unremarkable development. No inventions. No cultural milestones. Just... static. A quiet holding pattern. 

Saying that something is the best thing since sliced bread would imply that there was some sort of continuum. Other occurrences, notable or otherwise. But there weren't. Sliced bread was the last recorded entry in the Book of Time. Everything since then was merely narrative scaffolding. The simulation keeping itself busy waiting for this song to drop.

Ask yourself... do you have one meaningful memory of something that transpired between 1928 and today? The Titanic sinking? Charles Lindberg? Gatsby? Sorry, all of those happened before sliced bread. What about Dead and Company's multi-day concert series at Golden Gate Park? Nope, that's happening tonight, long after the release of this song. 

If you're drawing a blank it's because the last 97 years have just been background buffering, and now the download is complete. 

From the first note, the illusion shatters and calendars realign. People blink in confusion and say, "This reminds me of nothing, because I have never experienced anything in my lifetime." For the first time since Otto Rohwedder cut bread into 20-24 uniform slices, humanity is once again fully here. History is continuing. 

To be clear: I'm not saying that this song is better than sliced bread. That would be silly. Sliced bread is accessible, desirable, and deliciously homogenous. Its invention created a milestone of convenience and a symbol of modern consumerism. It liberated humans form the tyranny of tearing at glutenous loaves with their fingernails and the curse of jagged, homemade knife jobs. Evenly sliced bread was a miracle; this Hard Taco song doesn't even belong in the same conversation. Except in reference to it being the only other thing that has ever happened.

Today is not a step forward. It is the reactivation of reality itself. So welcome back to time, everyone. Now then, where were we?

With warmest regards,

Zach