Dear Friends,
The Hard Taco song for February is called, "Tribute to the Rhythm King." This song features two iconic pieces of colonial headgear... the Pith Helmet and the Giant Bone in the Hair.
Which gives us a nice segue to play a little game I like to call...
WHAT KIND OF HAT ARE YOU?
I know. The phrase, "a little game I like to call" has only ever been used for wicked purposes. But I can tell you're curious. Here's the deal. If I correctly guess what kind of hat you are, you have to listen to the new song.
Are you cone-shaped?
YES
Do you kind of look like a cymbal?
YES
You are an Asian Rice Farmer Hat
NO
Are you stiff?
YES
Do you make your wearer look like an idiot?
YES
Do you have pictures of stars and moons?
YES
You are a Wizard's Hat
NO
When your wearer kisses a frog, does it turn into a dude?
YES
You are a Princess Hat
NO
You are a Dunce Cap
NO
No such hat exists. Start over.
NO
You strike joy into the hearts of...
ALL CHRISTIAN CHILDREN
You are a Santa Cap
A FEW WHITE CHRISTIAN CHILDREN
You are a Klansman Hood
NO
Which U.S. President looked like a total badass wearing you?
Washington
You are a Tricorne Hat
Lincoln
You are a Top Hat
Teddy Roosevelt
You are a Panama Hat
Bush Jr.
You are a Cowboy Hat
Harrison/Ford (mixing presidents here)
You are a Fedora
NONE
Are you meant to be thrown?
YES
Do you have a tassel?
YES
You are a Graduation Cap.
NO
You are Oddjob's deadly Bowler Cap from "Goldfinger."
NO
Do you have a propeller?
YES
You are a Beanie.
NO, because the tail would get caught in it
You are a Coonskin Cap.
NO, because it might scratch the glass ceiling of the Popemobile
You are a Miter.
NO, because I am a Sombrero
You are a Sombrero.
NO, for any other reason
Might you be seen in the vicinity of Buckingham Palace?
YES
Which of the following is most likely said while wearing you?
"WHAT'S ALL THAT, THEN?"
You are a British Constable Hat.
"GOOD LUCK, GUV'NA!"
You are a Chimney Sweep Hat.
"ABSOBLOODYLUTELY."
You are an Ascot Cap.
(Nothing at all.)
You are a Big Black Furry Bearskin Queen's Guard Hat.
"Dude, check this out. He won't talk! Hey Guard.... You suck!!!!"
You are a tourist's Philadelphia Phillies Baseball Cap.
NO
Does everyone who sees you want to rip you off and stomp on you?
YES
Do you have a brim?
YES
You're an Enormous Kentucky Derby Hat.
NO
You're a Toque (Chef's Hat)
NO
Do you actually exist?
YES
You're a Fez or a Hard Hat. (No other question can distinguish these)
NO
You're a Thinking Cap.
With warmest regards,
Zach
