Boaters, Bowlers, and Berets

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for February is called, "Tribute to the Rhythm King." This song features two iconic pieces of colonial headgear... the Pith Helmet and the Giant Bone in the Hair.

Which gives us a nice segue to play a little game I like to call...

WHAT KIND OF HAT ARE YOU?

I know. The phrase, "a little game I like to call" has only ever been used for wicked purposes. But I can tell you're curious. Here's the deal. If I correctly guess what kind of hat you are, you have to listen to the new song.

Are you cone-shaped?
YES
  Do you kind of look like a cymbal?
  YES
    You are an Asian Rice Farmer Hat
  NO
    Are you stiff?
    YES
      Do you make your wearer look like an idiot?
      YES
        Do you have pictures of stars and moons?
        YES
          You are a Wizard's Hat
        NO
          When your wearer kisses a frog, does it turn into a dude?
          YES
            You are a Princess Hat
          NO
            You are a Dunce Cap
      NO
        No such hat exists. Start over.
    NO
      You strike joy into the hearts of... 
      ALL CHRISTIAN CHILDREN
        You are a Santa Cap
      A FEW WHITE CHRISTIAN CHILDREN
        You are a Klansman Hood
NO
  Which U.S. President looked like a total badass wearing you?
  Washington
    You are a Tricorne Hat
  Lincoln
    You are a Top Hat
  Teddy Roosevelt
    You are a Panama Hat
  Bush Jr.
    You are a Cowboy Hat
  Harrison/Ford (mixing presidents here)
    You are a Fedora
  NONE
    Are you meant to be thrown?
    YES
      Do you have a tassel?
      YES
        You are a Graduation Cap.
      NO
        You are Oddjob's deadly Bowler Cap from "Goldfinger."
    NO
      Do you have a propeller?
      YES
        You are a Beanie.
      NO, because the tail would get caught in it
        You are a Coonskin Cap.
      NO, because it might scratch the glass ceiling of the Popemobile
        You are a Miter.
      NO, because I am a Sombrero
        You are a Sombrero.
      NO, for any other reason
        Might you be seen in the vicinity of Buckingham Palace?
        YES
          Which of the following is most likely said while wearing you?
          "WHAT'S ALL THAT, THEN?"
             You are a British Constable Hat.
          "GOOD LUCK, GUV'NA!"
             You are a Chimney Sweep Hat.
          "ABSOBLOODYLUTELY."
             You are an Ascot Cap.
          (Nothing at all.) 
             You are a Big Black Furry Bearskin Queen's Guard Hat.
          "Dude, check this out. He won't talk! Hey Guard.... You suck!!!!" 
             You are a tourist's Philadelphia Phillies Baseball Cap.
        NO
          Does everyone who sees you want to rip you off and stomp on you?
          YES
            Do you have a brim? 
            YES
              You're an Enormous Kentucky Derby Hat. 
            NO
               You're a Toque (Chef's Hat)
          NO
            Do you actually exist?
            YES
              You're a Fez or a Hard Hat. (No other question can distinguish these)
            NO
              You're a Thinking Cap.

With warmest regards,
Zach