Postcards from Panama, Part 8

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for July is called, "Emotional Eating."

Meanwhile, here is the latest installment of Postcards from Panama. For a quick refresher on the complex relationship of Michael and Karen, see here. It's the classic "Will They or Won't They" scenario, but without the uncertainty.


7/2/17
Dear Karen,

I'm deeply sorry that I haven't sent you many postcards this calendar month. I expect that you think about me affectionately when you receive a postcard. I worry that on days that you do not receive a postcard, you think about me longingly. That must be very hard! I just wanted to wait until I had achieved financial security before finalizing our wedding plans. I am happy to report that I have a new investment approach which will allow both of us to feel comfortable proceeding. Stay tuned!

With warmest regards,
Michael


7/3/17
Dear Karen,

I heard a wedding can cost upwards of 20K. A different source, almost as reliable, told me that it may even cost 20G! In most human cultures, it is customary for the bride's family to pay for the wedding party. I haven't seen your parents in a large number of years, but I recall that they were similar to people who had a fondness for traditions. With that in mind, I will be happy to let them pay for our venue, catering, rentals, planner, photographer, entertainment, marriage counseling, and flowers. I would like to take responsibility for the invitations and party pumpers, even if that costs some of the K or G.

Since I haven't seen you in person in an equally large number of years, you may not know if I respect the dollar and have a well-balanced portfolio. I'm not offended by your curiosity. In fact, I'm proud of you for being mature enough to know how important those qualities are in a life-partner.

I reached out to a financial planning group called Frugalidad y Hijos (Frugality and Sons). I had an online chat with the third son, Felix, who recommended the following investment strategy:
30% Short-term large-cap investments
30% Medium-term any-cap investments
20% Tax evasion
20% Stem cells
10% Financial planner fees
5% Unexplained losses

I have been doing this since earlier this calendar month, and I will let you know when it is successful.

With warmest regards,
Michael


7/8/17
Dear Karen,

Is your father still working as a mid-level executive? When we were kids, I was always impressed at how consistently he went to work on weekdays. He was very methodical! I assume he has been postponing retirement because he hasn't found someone he trusts to turn over the middle management of his business to. Filling his shoes requires some very substantial feet!

I recommend my neighbor, Dignidad. He has been out of work for many years, and has very large feet for a man who is slightly shorter than me when we stand back to back.

With warmest regards,
Michael



7/13/17
Dear Karen,

How have you been getting along? I haven't heard back from you for a bit, so I was wondering if you are working on the wedding planning much. I'm happy to do all of it, but I wanted to check to make sure we weren't working on the identical things.

After consulting several women, some of whom might be attracted to me, I recommend that the centerpieces include bowls of clear glass beads. I'm flexible on the color, but I think clear will be a great match for just about any other decoration.

Please note: I did not mention the women to make you jealous! I just brought up that they might be attracted to me because I'm not sure if it affects the integrity of the recommendation for clear glass beads. On one hand, they may be trying to impress me with well-considered, honest advice. On the other hand, they may be passive-aggressively sabotaging our wedding. Maybe we should have no centerpieces, or just use an assortment of local mushrooms.

With warmest regards,
Michael


7/14/17
Dear Karen,

I took my accountant's advice, and invested heavily in stem cells! I ordered several test tubes of premium stem cells from a Tijuana-based online dealership, and got an amazing deal. These cells are going to be even more valuable in a few months because commerce between Mexico and the rest of Central America is about to be cut off. The man at the online dealership tells me that the president of Mexico has promised to build a wall between Mexico and Belize and make Belize pay for it.

I got my first shipment yesterday, and I am keeping them in a warm, moist environment, as directed. You can tell they are real Tijuana stem cells because they have the worm in them.

With warmest regards,
Michael


7/16/17
Dear Karen,

My neighbor Dignidad would like to know if he will be allowed to work remotely when he replaces your father. He is unwilling to be photographed for a work visa because of extreme shyness. I told him that this won't be a problem, because most businesses in the United States are legally required to be sensitive about different cultural issues. The good news is that Dignidad can still get a National Parks Passport without having his picture taken, so he can work from there. All of Panama's beautiful parks are world-class, but none of them have wi-fi, so your father should make sure the work he leaves for Dignidad can be done on paper and faxed over later.

I realize that speaking English is very important for mid-level managing a business in the United States.  Rest assured that Dignidad speaks conversational English. He has mastered over three English conversations (ordering at a restaurant, baseball scores, and how someone is). This is a great start, but I told him to concentrate on fundamentals before learning more conversational English. We are going to focus on Middle English and perhaps ebonics.

With warmest regards,
Michael


7/17/17
Dear Karen,

Today, I practiced Shakespearean English with my neighbor, Dignidad. Did you know that Shakespeare rhymes words based on how they look, rather than how they are pronounced? At one point, he rhymes "fussy" with "pussy." I also think he rhymes "man-bun" with "Cancun," but I can't remember what play it is.

Anyway, Dignidad is such a quick learner! I assured him that your father's company would make him "Employee of the Week" as soon as he starts. This will boost his confidence and reward the hard work that he is planning to do from our beautiful national parks.

With warmest regards,
Michael


7/20/17
Dear Karen,

As you probably noticed, I have started sending these postcards through certified mail. The woman at the post office said she had never seen someone do that with a postcard before, but she admits that she has only been working there a few years.

Anyway, it was a fun, and I received my first return-receipt today! I'm so happy that you enjoyed my postcard from July 3, or at least received it! Another way for me to know if you receive my postcards would be if you wrote back to me, but just in case you prefer that I keep sending them all through certified mail, I will.

With warmest regards,
Michael


7/22/17
Dear Karen,

My stem cell investment is appreciating nicely, but some of the other investments have had mediocre returns. I worry that some of the Medium-Term Any-Cap companies are not keeping investors' best interests in mind, and I plan to write them a strongly-worded postcard.

The upshot is that I may have to ask your family to cover the cost of the party pumpers at the wedding. Your parents will probably be thrilled about this, because it is customary for the bride's family to pay for everything, and they are traditional people in some ways.

To ensure that they can afford this, it may be best if your father held off on retiring for a few more months. Dignidad is disappointed, but Panamanians are very patient (especially the large-footed ones.) He is willing to remain unemployed as long as it takes, so he can step into your father's job with very little notice after the wedding is paid off. He is a great neighbor, and I am confident that when the time comes, he will get excellent quarterly performance evaluations from your father's company.

With warmest regards,
Michael