Intrigue. Relevance to you, to your day. On the first of every month, we bring you an original Hard Taco song, and this digest, a two headed worm of relevance and intrigue.
The Hard Taco song for May is called, "God and Amazon." I set out to create something reminiscent of the theme music to Stranger Things, but the song was a rebellious teenager and had different ideas for itself. It just wanted to hang out with the stoner crowd, wallow in angst and wear Pink Floyd T-shirts. I don't know what to do. We try so hard for our songs, but I guess that sometimes we just need to give them space and hope they eventually find their own way.
One of my academic mentors, Jim Albers, once told me that I shouldn't put a lot of effort into creating anything new unless I can use it at least five times. It takes hours to research for a presentation, make slides, and practice the delivery, so if you only give the presentation once, you haven't gotten a good return on your investment. The trick is to repurpose it for different audiences and tinker with it, so it gets better over time.
I have tried to take that advice at work, and to a lesser degree outside of work. While I still record an original song every month, there is one song that I have recycled EIGHT times. Today, we're going to meet that 8-headed hydra, the Happy Wedding Song.
1. "Happy Wedding, Molly and Paul"- 2005
Here is how the story starts. I was invited to two out-of-town weddings on the same weekend, and I had to choose between the friend I was closer to and the friend whose party was more likely to be fun. I went with the latter, because bad decisions make better stories. Afterwards, I tried to make it up to the couple I jilted by writing them a wedding song, burning it onto a CD and mailing it to them. Here is that song:
2. "Happy Wedding, Joanna and Zach" - 2006
Later that year, my cousin got married, and I forgot to send her a present. When my family brought this to my attention, it was already 2006, and I was both RACKED and WRACKED with guilt. So, I modified the lyrics to the Happy Wedding song to be about my cousin and her husband and mailed it to them on a CD-R.
3. "Happy Wedding, Parkie and Joe"- 2006
A few months after that, I had to turn down a wedding invitation to take my neurology board examination. By this point, musical apologies had become second nature. I don't think the recording of this one survived, but here are the lyrics:
So Parkie got married to a guy I'd never met
In the wedding of the century that none shall soon forget
And I missed it for some stupid test, a move I now regret
I had to chew my fingers off 'cause I was so upset
I had to chew my fingers off 'cause I was so upset
So happy wedding Parkie and Joe
The fact we missed it tops the list of things that really blow
And it's not just that we came in late, we didn't even show
But if you have another one, I swear to God we'll go
So happy wedding Parkie and Joe
Your love's a solid victory for Cupid's mighty bow
For it's stronger than a wildebeest and sweet as cookie dough
And richer than a chocolate cake or even Ross Perot
So happy wedding Parkie and Joe
The next time we're in Georgia we'll swing by and say hello
First we'll tour the Jimmy Carter house then come and see your show
And visit the High Museum where they keep Whitney Houston's fro
So happy wedding Parkie and Joe
We haven't even seen your face since five long years ago
Now we wish you all the happiness that marriage can bestow
And we love you more than Jesus does (It's true... he told me so)
4. "Happy Wedding, Adriene and Jon"- 2012
Once you get into your mid-30s, wedding invitations inevitably slow to a trickle, so I didn't find an occasion to auto-plagiarize the song for the next six years. This time, it was for a wedding party toast rather than an apology. I don't really like to perform original music in front of a live audience, so this video is a bit of an anomaly.
5. "Happy Wedding, Russell and Dawn" - 2013
The next year, my brother-and-sister-in-law were married. Maybe I performed this version live? I don't remember, but I don't seem to have a recording of it. And since Dawn sort of rhymes with Jon, I was even able to reuse a couple of the lines from the prior iteration.
So Russ is getting married, and by now I hope you’ve met
His fiancé, who is currently both Jewish and brunette
And despite the fees to Match.com which put them both in debt
The groom and bride have DIY’d the greatest wedding yet
The groom and bride have DIY’d the greatest wedding yet
So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn
The bride will be a vision in her ivory chiffon
And in previewing the slideshow I can see why Russ was drawn
It wasn’t long ago she was a shiksa and a blonde
The wedding will be charming, so we thank you in advance
We can notch another victory for internet romance
For Dawn, we hope that every day with Russ provides a chance
To fidget with your hair a lot and photograph some plants
To fidget with your hair and photograph some boring plants
So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn
Your nuptials have raised the bar for weddings from now on
If marriages were condiments then yours would be Dijon
It's the most romantic thing since Princess Leia married Han
So here's to all the special things your marriage has in store
A life of love and joy and Kurasawa films galore
And you will find each other cute for fifty years or more
Which in my book would qualify as being way hard core
Which in my book would qualify as being way hard core
So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn
Enjoy your trek to Reykjavik, have fun, goodbye, so long
To Iceland, that’s the country Russ’s play is based upon
Which makes me glad that Thorstein didn’t take place in Iran
So Happy Wedding, Russell and Dawn
You’ve bought so many books, your bank account is overdrawn
But Russ gets paid to act, there’s always that to fall back on
Like when he did a touch of soft-core porn for Wild Swan
So happy wedding, here’s to Dawn and Russ
A marriage never lasts, they say, if only built on lust
But yours is built on love of cats, on Melville and on trust
So [RADIO EDIT], I’m sure that you’ll adjust
6. "It's Your Bat Mitzvah, Scarlett Avalyn"- 2018
Why limit yourself to weddings, when there are so many life cycle events begging to be celebrated in song? We serenaded Scarlett with a personalized toast at her Bat Mitzvah party. Thanks to Kelly Cameron for finding this video on her phone after I published this digest, so I could re-release a live music version!
7. "Happy Wedding, Andy and Coleen"- 2020
My cousin Andy tied the knot in a small private ceremony in Napa Valley during the pandemic-soaked summer of 2020. We were driving to visit my parents on the day that this video was "due," so we pulled over into a parking lot off the highway and perched the phone in hatch of Lauren's car to record this.
8. "It's Your Bar Mitzvah, Malcolm David L." - 2021
Finally, we had Malcolm's Bar Mitzvah (and party) virtually this year, so Lauren and I sang this into camera eye of the computer at which I am now facing.
So that's all eight versions so far. If anyone has an audio or video clip of the missing ones, please send them my way!
Meanwhile, I'll just keep biding my time until I get invited to a funeral of someone whose name has four or five syllables.
